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AIBU?

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Original poster

Told him how I feel and he has not responded

203 replies

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 09:36

I have been dating a man for a while and I’ve told him that I have developed feelings. I just wanted to get it off my chest to him how I feel. He read the message late last night and has not replied. Now my anxiety is kicking in and I think I may of ruined things. What would you do?

OP posts:
Whoatealltheminieggs · 19/05/2022 15:05

Benched you. Keeping you on a back burner. Whatever you want to call it but it’s not good.

roadsweep · 19/05/2022 15:07

He wanted something easy and fun, and now you've made it serious.

Who broke up the marriage?

Original poster
Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 15:08

@roadsweep she left apparently but she apparently was also the cause

OP posts:
roadsweep · 19/05/2022 15:10

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 15:08

@roadsweep she left apparently but she apparently was also the cause

So he could be still in love? I would tread very carefully.

Perhaps you need a frank conversation with him about this.

He didn't respond to your message about feelings, ask him why and see where it goes from there.

shewasa99 · 19/05/2022 15:13

SeedyBloomer · 19/05/2022 11:26

no matter how busy he is, once he read your text it would take under ten seconds to reply ‘chat later x’ or some other basic acknowledgment. Everyone knows that to not reply at all to a text like that will fuck with the other person’s head, and he knows you have anxiety. Regardless of whether he’s into you or not, he’s certainly not sensitive.

I'm probably showing my age but I didn't know that was how people dealt with difficult texts.
But then it might not be my age, it might be that if I received a reply saying 'chat later x' that would really worry me.

Calphurnia88 · 19/05/2022 15:17

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 15:05

Thank you. Lots of helpful replies and lots of things to think about here. I am almost in my mid 20s and he’s about to turn 40. He said I came as a nice surprise to him as he wasn’t looking for anything at the time because of the break down of the marriage but he said he’s glad it has come about.

Could be an age thing.

I remember in my early 20s investing a lot of thought into text conversations but in my 30s it all seems a bit trivial. My other half was always a terrible texter but now we have a child together.

Actions speak louder than words so before you write off the entire relationship just speak to him.

Herejustforthisone · 19/05/2022 15:18

You’re early twenties, he’s almost 40.

He is not yet divorced and his marriage ended only six months ago.

He was carrying on with you before his marriage ended.

He slags his wife off to you.

He ignored your declaration.

Oh OP, I mean this kindly but wise up. This is a really terrible foundation to any sort of ‘relationship’. I could be entirely wrong but I suspect he’s using you as an ego massage, so to speak.

Please don’t tell me he still lives with his wife.

roadsweep · 19/05/2022 15:19

Herejustforthisone · 19/05/2022 15:18

You’re early twenties, he’s almost 40.

He is not yet divorced and his marriage ended only six months ago.

He was carrying on with you before his marriage ended.

He slags his wife off to you.

He ignored your declaration.

Oh OP, I mean this kindly but wise up. This is a really terrible foundation to any sort of ‘relationship’. I could be entirely wrong but I suspect he’s using you as an ego massage, so to speak.

Please don’t tell me he still lives with his wife.

I have to agree with this.

Jedsnewstar · 19/05/2022 15:21

Red flags all over this:

You have been dating for 4 months but spoke before that, and he only split from his wife 6 months ago?

On top of that he is middle aged and you are in your 20s. - not a massive red flag but depends on how young you look act…

He said it’s all her fault they split….they all say this. Don’t tell me she is crazy….

Original poster
Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 15:24

@Herejustforthisone thanks. all the replies are what I need to hear. His wife moved out a while ago

OP posts:
savemeagin · 19/05/2022 15:25

Herejustforthisone · 19/05/2022 15:18

You’re early twenties, he’s almost 40.

He is not yet divorced and his marriage ended only six months ago.

He was carrying on with you before his marriage ended.

He slags his wife off to you.

He ignored your declaration.

Oh OP, I mean this kindly but wise up. This is a really terrible foundation to any sort of ‘relationship’. I could be entirely wrong but I suspect he’s using you as an ego massage, so to speak.

Please don’t tell me he still lives with his wife.

Also agree with this. ^
'You where a nice surprise' by which he means 'you were a nice distraction when everything in his life isn't going well' he also is probably very pleased to be able to tell his ExDW that's he's now dating someone early 20's.
I think you should move on.

roadsweep · 19/05/2022 15:27

Find someone with no/less baggage. Especially if you already have anxiety

roadsweep · 19/05/2022 15:28

Does he have children?

ElenaSt · 19/05/2022 15:30

He's at a completely different stage to you in life and once the divorce is done he will probably drop you like a ton of rocks to kick his heels.

I'm not saying he is using you now but you are a convenient and no doubt lovely distraction for him at the moment.

You can do so much better.

EscapeTheCastle · 19/05/2022 15:42

Blimey OP.
Live and date and have fun with a hot guy nearer your age!
Dog walks and hanging out at home? No No No.
You should be out seeing interesting things and doing nice things, living and growing with someone - not listening to some old duffer bad mouthing his ex wife!

DangerouslyBored · 19/05/2022 15:45

I don’t like the sound of any of this. The age difference, the huge amount of baggage, the slating of the ex,the fact that he didn’t refer to the text you had sent.

Think seriously about whether this man can genuinely make you happy. Or if really, he is going to bring a load of drama and unhappiness to your life.

DangerouslyBored · 19/05/2022 15:46

EscapeTheCastle · 19/05/2022 15:42

Blimey OP.
Live and date and have fun with a hot guy nearer your age!
Dog walks and hanging out at home? No No No.
You should be out seeing interesting things and doing nice things, living and growing with someone - not listening to some old duffer bad mouthing his ex wife!

Grin

and this ^

Metalandtea · 19/05/2022 15:50

OP your situation sounds very similar to a relationship I had many years ago in my early 20s, with a similar age gap. The guy was supposedly separated, lovebombed me but was reluctant to actually say the words, and of course it was all his ex’s fault. I carried on with the relationship only to find out he had been on/off living with her the whole time we were together. He really screwed with my head and I bitterly regret wasting what should have been a lovely carefree time in my life with someone who was not worth my time. Meeting my lovely husband couldn’t be more different - he was very clear in his feelings and never messed me about. You deserve so much better! 🙂

CaptSkippy · 19/05/2022 16:12

OP, this story gets worse and worse.

I'll list the things you has mentioned that are massive red-flags:


  • He started chatting to you while he was still with his wife

  • She left, but he blames her for the split

  • There is a decade-and-a-ahalf age difference between you two

  • He completely ignores a text from you that is big admission of vulnerability to most people. He is simply acting like it never happened.


Any of these alone should disqualify him as partner, but all of them combined mean that he basically traded his wife in for a younger woman he is sexuallity attracted to but doesn't really love.

And make no mistake about it. Plenty of men will fake a relationship on the spot because they think that's what women want to hear and it will get them laid.

Sorry, but he is not a nice man. You deserve better. So does his (ex-)wife.

SunshineCake · 19/05/2022 16:28

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 15:24

@Herejustforthisone thanks. all the replies are what I need to hear. His wife moved out a while ago

Work on your self esteem as you really shouldn't need strangers to point out to you what a bad idea this is.

TheFairyNamedMary · 19/05/2022 16:45

If he wanted more than just sex he would have found a few minutes to message you in response to your text. He’s 40 and you are early 20s. Honestly, he doesn’t want more than a causal thing now
after you split up if he’d found someone else he would not be back with you doing this casual crap

leave him to his non commitment and find someone who will love you and want to spend time with you

coffeecupsandfairylights · 19/05/2022 16:54

You're in your twenties - why on earth are you interested in pursuing a relationship with a 40-odd year old who's in the middle of a divorce?

EthicalNonMahogany · 19/05/2022 18:18

I reckon he's not separated, too.

SunscreenCentral · 19/05/2022 20:26

I would not spend any more time or emotional energy on this OP. I really wouldn't.

Vikinga · 19/05/2022 20:44

Crikey, no, leave him. Like peeps said find a nice guy in his 20s you can have fun with and leave him to his dog walks.