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Original poster

Told him how I feel and he has not responded

203 replies

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 09:36

I have been dating a man for a while and I’ve told him that I have developed feelings. I just wanted to get it off my chest to him how I feel. He read the message late last night and has not replied. Now my anxiety is kicking in and I think I may of ruined things. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkofaname24 · 20/05/2022 00:38

Thank you. My self esteem is in tatters at the moment. He has been very short with me since the text last night and is now ignoring me. I feel really stupid

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 20/05/2022 00:50

Ah fuck him. Think about yourself, distract yourself. Make plans for the next few days.. you do not need this man. If hes not interested,hes not interested. Plenty more out there. 😉

Notimeforaname · 20/05/2022 00:52

Dont waste any more time "feeling stupid" hes not the keeper of your self esteem.

If you had self esteem issues before you met him, perhaps work on those before meeting someone else.

And if he IS the cause of your low self esteem,just delete his number now.

Ishacoco · 20/05/2022 01:08

Move on. Trying to second what he's thinking/feeling all the time is exhausting. As is watching your phone constantly for him to message. Been there, done that and it's no way to live. A functional relationship is one you feel secure in.

Ishacoco · 20/05/2022 01:08

Second GUESS that should say!

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 20/05/2022 01:14

nothing. switch your phone off. She says, still scrolling at 1am. But that is probably what you shdoul do.

Sortilege · 20/05/2022 02:20

orwellwasright · 19/05/2022 09:54

Urgh. We have such an ingrained culture of women not being upfront about their feelings or needs in a relationship because that makes us 'needy' or demanding and we'll scare off the poor, ickle frightened man.

If your relationship can be ruined by honesty and candour then it's not one worth keeping.

Quick caveat: declarations of undying love after 48 hours are probably a bit much 😄

This.

We still have such weird ideas about heterosexual relationships that women should flop around prettily waiting for the men to progress things. From first dates to marriage proposals. It’s so silly. Women can ask men out, declare feelings, propose…

Next time face to face will save you this nasty uncertain wait though OP.

CheekyHobson · 20/05/2022 02:47

Thank you. My self esteem is in tatters at the moment. He has been very short with me since the text last night and is now ignoring me. I feel really stupid

Please don't. You've been caught up in a relationship that hasn't turned out to be what you thought but that's happened to many, many smart people!

It sounds to me like his wife left him and rather than reflect on his contribution to the relationship breakdown and process his emotions, he jumped straight online to look for an emotional band-aid, who unfortunately turned out to be you.

Now he's realised that his light and easy ego boost actually expects more than casual sex from him and that's a layer of complication to his life that he's not prepared to deal with.

His shortness isn't to do with you, it's about the fact that inside he has a tumult of bad emotions (repressed and unprocessed guilt, anger, confusion, inadequacy and sadness about his marriage breaking down) and your admission of wanting more from the relationship has made him feel out of control, because someone wants something from him that he's afraid he's not equipped to give.

ImustLearn2Cook · 20/05/2022 05:06

@Cantthinkofaname24 He text you yesterday around 1pm and apologised for not replying earlier because he’s been rushing around like a mad man. He had to leave for work at 3am. It seems to me that he has a lot going on right now. It’s only been less then 24 hrs since he texted you.

Relax. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

I am in a similar age group to him and I honestly don’t get this expectation of instant replies to text messages etc. because sometimes you can’t.

Also, discussions about feelings and relationships and other important issues are really better off waiting for when you see each other face to face or have time for an uninterrupted phone call. I am really not a fan of texting back and forth for a conversation. Maybe he isn’t either.

WTF475878237NC · 20/05/2022 05:57

rather than reflect on his contribution to the relationship breakdown and process his emotions, he jumped straight online to look for an emotional band-aid, who unfortunately turned out to be you

^ I think so too. You are a lovely bit of avoidance and fun to push away the pain. He may well like you but he is in no position to have a relationship right now.

Sushi7 · 20/05/2022 06:50

Cantthinkofaname24 · 19/05/2022 15:05

Thank you. Lots of helpful replies and lots of things to think about here. I am almost in my mid 20s and he’s about to turn 40. He said I came as a nice surprise to him as he wasn’t looking for anything at the time because of the break down of the marriage but he said he’s glad it has come about.

So you’re 24 and he’s 40? You are at very very different life stages. He’s going through a divorce and probably just wanted a pretty young thing to either make his wife jealous and/or just for a bit of fun. I’m sorry.

It's probably not a good idea to get into a relationship with a much older man who’s going through what sounds like a messy divorce. If she left him then he’s probably still in love with her and might want her back. Does he have any dc?

Cut your losses and find someone who is closer in age to you. Someone who is at a similar point in life as you. Also get help for your anxiety because that may negatively affect future relationships.

spotcheck · 20/05/2022 06:51

Herejustforthisone · 19/05/2022 15:18

You’re early twenties, he’s almost 40.

He is not yet divorced and his marriage ended only six months ago.

He was carrying on with you before his marriage ended.

He slags his wife off to you.

He ignored your declaration.

Oh OP, I mean this kindly but wise up. This is a really terrible foundation to any sort of ‘relationship’. I could be entirely wrong but I suspect he’s using you as an ego massage, so to speak.

Please don’t tell me he still lives with his wife.

👆👆👆
Yep. And he's clearly a man who can't be in his own which suggests emotional immaturity

ventingventing123 · 20/05/2022 07:13

OP hope you feel a bit better this morning. It can be easy for some people to show affection without it meaning anything. Also next time focus on actions rather than basing your decisions on what he's said. He was happy with a fwb type situation but fortunately you spoke up and he's showed his true colours. Women also often develop bonding hormones as a result of having sex, it's biological so your actions are understandable

When someone shows you their true colours believe them!

LittleBirdBlu · 20/05/2022 07:27

CheekyHobson · 20/05/2022 02:47

Thank you. My self esteem is in tatters at the moment. He has been very short with me since the text last night and is now ignoring me. I feel really stupid

Please don't. You've been caught up in a relationship that hasn't turned out to be what you thought but that's happened to many, many smart people!

It sounds to me like his wife left him and rather than reflect on his contribution to the relationship breakdown and process his emotions, he jumped straight online to look for an emotional band-aid, who unfortunately turned out to be you.

Now he's realised that his light and easy ego boost actually expects more than casual sex from him and that's a layer of complication to his life that he's not prepared to deal with.

His shortness isn't to do with you, it's about the fact that inside he has a tumult of bad emotions (repressed and unprocessed guilt, anger, confusion, inadequacy and sadness about his marriage breaking down) and your admission of wanting more from the relationship has made him feel out of control, because someone wants something from him that he's afraid he's not equipped to give.

This

He's not over his marriage breakdown, please ditch him and find someone else. He isn't worth the heartache

NewGardenProject · 20/05/2022 07:32

It doesn’t matter OP how you did it or whether you would have waited another week/month/whatever.

Men (people!) who are interested in a relationship with you and truly have feelings for you will not be “scared off” by you being upfront and honest about your feelings.

PizzaPizza56 · 20/05/2022 07:36

I told my partner I was falling in love with him after 6 months in person and he said nothing back to me whatsoever. Took him another year to say he loved me. We've now been together 4 years and he's so much more affectionate than he was. He'd been single for so long he wanted to be completely sure that this had proper potential. When he did finally say it I asked what took him so long and he said 'I thought you already knew'. Typical!

Calphurnia88 · 20/05/2022 07:38

ImustLearn2Cook · 20/05/2022 05:06

@Cantthinkofaname24 He text you yesterday around 1pm and apologised for not replying earlier because he’s been rushing around like a mad man. He had to leave for work at 3am. It seems to me that he has a lot going on right now. It’s only been less then 24 hrs since he texted you.

Relax. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

I am in a similar age group to him and I honestly don’t get this expectation of instant replies to text messages etc. because sometimes you can’t.

Also, discussions about feelings and relationships and other important issues are really better off waiting for when you see each other face to face or have time for an uninterrupted phone call. I am really not a fan of texting back and forth for a conversation. Maybe he isn’t either.

I'm with you, and find most of the other comments a bit bizarre to be honest.

Other people have done a full psychoanalysis on this chap and come to some very specific conclusions about his feelings and intentions for OP, and decided she should end things with him immediately, all on the basis that he hasn't responded to the OPs text message (which she said herself she regretted sending) and is going through a recent divorce. Scary.

On the age gap, I don't think this means the relationship is doomed, but I do think OP may have different expectations and communication styles due to her age and experience, including focusing too much on communication via text.

OP, just talk to him.

Lovemusic33 · 20/05/2022 07:40

I think it’s always best to be upfront (I should take my own advice), you told him how you feel, his reaction or lack of just conforms that he doesn’t really feel the same. Tbh I usually know pretty quickly if I have feelings for someone, it doesn’t happen very often and like you I get really anxious, the thought of rejection fills me with worry but at the end of the day it’s better to find out early so you can move on before getting even more emotionally involved. Those first few months of dating would be easy but often it’s full of no knowing and anxiety, not knowing if you both feel the same or if it’s going anywhere.

Scianel · 20/05/2022 07:55

He's way too old for you. Find a guy your own age.

roadsweep · 20/05/2022 07:55

ImustLearn2Cook · 20/05/2022 05:06

@Cantthinkofaname24 He text you yesterday around 1pm and apologised for not replying earlier because he’s been rushing around like a mad man. He had to leave for work at 3am. It seems to me that he has a lot going on right now. It’s only been less then 24 hrs since he texted you.

Relax. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

I am in a similar age group to him and I honestly don’t get this expectation of instant replies to text messages etc. because sometimes you can’t.

Also, discussions about feelings and relationships and other important issues are really better off waiting for when you see each other face to face or have time for an uninterrupted phone call. I am really not a fan of texting back and forth for a conversation. Maybe he isn’t either.

Then he should say that.

CaptSkippy · 20/05/2022 08:23

Cantthinkofaname24 · 20/05/2022 00:38

Thank you. My self esteem is in tatters at the moment. He has been very short with me since the text last night and is now ignoring me. I feel really stupid

OP, you are not stupid. You are young and a little naive and he could see that. He probably targeted you because of that. You are not the first this has happened to and you won't be the last.

He is the one to blame. He has a wife and considerable life-experience and he used that to waste your time and play with your feelings. Use this as a learning opportunity and block and delete him. You are now better at recognizing the signs of such pathetic, manipulative men.

Original poster
Cantthinkofaname24 · 20/05/2022 08:32

Hi all. Thank you so much for all your replies.

The thing which is annoying me the most at the minute is that when we first started speaking I was a bit reluctant at first and he can see that. Looking back he tried all the tricks in the book to convince me to go and see him.

We spoke for a while but I wouldn’t commit to a meeting because of his situation and he told me I was ‘messing him around and playing with his emotions’. He told me what I was doing was ‘exploiting the vulnerability of a person knowing they have been hurt in recent months’ and told me it is something he would never do. He made me feel bad for not going to see him and now he has done this to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cantthinkofaname24 · 20/05/2022 08:33

He also said if I don’t commit to a meet up it is done before it begins and that we both loose out on the experience of what could of been very special. I think he knew exactly what he was doing

OP posts:
CorpseReviver · 20/05/2022 08:36

Cantthinkofaname24 · 20/05/2022 08:33

He also said if I don’t commit to a meet up it is done before it begins and that we both loose out on the experience of what could of been very special. I think he knew exactly what he was doing

That's the point at which you say, "Ah well, that's a shame, bye Felipe."

Not, "Oh no, that would be terrible, quick you'd better come and shag me so I can prove how amazing I think you are."

Original poster
Cantthinkofaname24 · 20/05/2022 08:39

@CorpseReviver Very true. I wish I didn’t fall for it. It was just him trying to make me feel bad if I didn’t go ahead with it

OP posts: