Told him how I feel and he has not responded

[Cantthinkofaname24]

I have been dating a man for a while and I’ve told him that I have developed feelings. I just wanted to get it off my chest to him how I feel. He read the message late last night and has not replied. Now my anxiety is kicking in and I think I may of ruined things. What would you do?

I asked him if he was ok last night and he just said ‘yeah’ nothing else. I think it is definitely time to work on my self esteem before meeting someone new!

Please don't message him again. He is currently treating you badly in order to test your boundaries. Delete his number from your phone, so you're not tempted to message him after a few drinks. Just memorise the last 3 digits of his number, so you'll know it's him if he does get back in touch. He sounds like a right dickhead.

Definitely! He really doesn't sound nice. Slagging off the ex is a big red flag. He sounds manipulative.

You're so young. Work on you. Go on adventures and live an exciting life. Try not to invest too much in men. When the right one comes along he'll treat you like a goddess and it'll feel natural. Mr issues isn't the one believe me.

Look up wild wanderers on Facebook. Even if you don't go on the adventures the posts will inspire you. They have local groups too.

It may not feel great right now but you have learned a valuable lesson pretty young, which is that a man who starts a new relationship in the ashes of the old, and blames his ex for the failure without detailed explanation and reflection on his own part is one who should not be trusted.

He really has painted this whole picture. That he’s the good guy and his ex did him wrong. He even called her a bitch to me. I feel so naive! I definitely won’t be messaging him again

@Juniper68 thank you. I will have a look!

i suppose he saw me as an ‘easy target’. If only I had stuck to my guns and trusted my gut that it wouldn’t end well. Not the best start to getting back into dating but a valuable lesson as others have said. I’m glad I posted here as the advice has been really helpful

I know you are probably feeling like crap right now OP and I am sorry that he is doing this to you. Just be glad that you discovered what he is like now rather than a year or 5 years down the road.

In the meantime, look after yourself.

I would end it with a nice text ("I wish you well..."). Not because he deserves a nice goodbye, but because you do. You will feel better about yourself if you quietly and calmly draw a line under this experience. Leaving it without a final word feels like unfinished business and it will be harder to put behind you.

You sound like a sweet person, and you can feel good about that. You can feel good about having boundaries and limits on what you will put up with. You can feel good about being the mature one who ended this without a big mess and drama.

(He, on the other hand, sounds like a wankstain)

This is painful now but he’s done you a favour really. He could have strung you along by saying pretty and empty words but instead he’s chosen to play more games in addition to essentially manipulating you into meeting him in the first place.

If he was a decent sort he’d have had the discussion with you, even if he didn’t feel the same. Leaving you hanging like this with ignoring your message and giving you one word answers is a power play - designed to get you to back off bringing anything emotional up. If you were to hang on (and I don’t think you will, you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on!) I would bet highly that he’d try to pick up some more ‘dates’ after a couple of weeks of this behaviour. Rinse and repeat until you drive yourself crazy trying to please him and respond how he wants.

Fuck that! You’ve done nothing wrong, so don’t feel bad. Your spidey sense went off at the beginning but his greater experience made him able to fool you into going against what your initial gut feeling told you. You can learn from this and in the end look back on him as that dickhead who taught you how to spot players and emotional manipulators. An unpleasant lesson now, but you’re future self will be happy or happened when it leads you to bigger and better things with someone who is worth your time and attention.

He's not into you. Move on.

I think you’re trying to be a victim here.

You got with him 2 months after he split up with his wife and you’ve only been with him for 4 months.

He obviously isn’t going to want to commit to a serious relationship or discuss feelings when he’s still getting over his marriage.

He should acknowledge it and explain that he doesn’t feel that way about you but how do you do that without sounding like you don’t care or hurting someone’s feelings.

If someone had texted me like you did after 4 months then I would feel quite awkward, let alone if I’d only been separated 2 months.

You obviously want a serious relationship and he doesn’t.
So you now have a choice whether you stay with him and see if in the future he wants the same things as you or you cut your loses and find someone who wants the same things as you do.

Honestly you're not naïve. They have ways of manipulation. Just learn from it.

Good luck OP. Hopefully the next one is a nicer person!

This is two people who want something very different from this as you are in very differetn stages of life and situations. You say you have been dating for 4 months but then say the other night there were kisses and cuddles so you thought that was a sign of something more...

Has this been a physical / sexual relationship?

He id a middle aged man leaving a sinking marriage and is going through a separation right now. He shouldn't and isn't looking for a serious relationship of any kind. He may want some companionship, emotional support or an listening ear, sex, and distraction from life. Realistically anymore than that wouldn't be healthy for him.

You can' help having feelings and there is nothing wrong at all with speaking up to let him know but before your feelings intensify or you get in deeper - you really need to try and step back and look at this relationship more objectively and think about why you want to stay in it. What do you want from it and him - and given where he is at in life and what his needs are - does that align with what you want in a relationship.

@Cantthinkofaname24 I have read the majority of your thread.

Firstly, please don't feel stupid. Try to change your mindset on this and that being at least you found out now what he is like.

This guy is testing you. I think he doesn't quite want a full on relationship but also doesn't want you to want a full on relationship. You declaring how you feel (I don't think you were wrong to) has changed his game plan. He is now using tactics such as manipulation to get you back where he wants you - the 1 word answers, ignoring you etc is so you 'back down' on your feelings or at the very least 'keep them to yourself' and once he feels he's got you back where he wants you, his toy basically, then I would bet money he will start to interact with you again through messages/calls/wanting to meet up aslong as you keep your feelings to yourself.

Please don't do this to yourself. You deserve better. You are worth more. There will only be one person who gets hurt in this and that will be you. It will shatter what self esteem and confidence you have left not to mention your mental health will take a massive dip! You deserve better. Ditch him.

You didn’t say anything majorly heavy, just that you enjoyed your time together and liked him. You don’t deserve radio silence.

You were a bit naive getting sucked into his web barely before he’s got out of his marriage, and are probably a great boost to his ego and a dig for his wife. He sounds like he knew what he was doing. But you’re young - you don’t need a 40 year old with baggage messing you around ( and he absolutely is messing you around if he can’t reply with a short, polite reply in three days). You’re better off without him, even if it doesn’t feel like that now. But beware he’ll be back with excuses if he feels you stepping away, trying to reel you in.

Same tactic Johnny Depp is using. Men like this make me sick.

@Onwards22

I think you’re trying to be a victim here.

I agree. I have never seen a thread with such positive responses to who is essentially an OW. This started before his separation, the fact that you didn't meet up until after is irrelevant imo. Get involved with married men, get burnt. Look for someone single next time?

@fluffycereal thank you, I do understand this. But as I have said in my updates it took me 2 months of speaking to actually agree to meet up with him because of the situation. This is after he said many things to try and convince me. I realise I should have stuck to my guns but I unfortunately didn’t this time

Also at this point when we started to speak he said his wife had already moved out

I really don't think OP should be encouraged to send any emotional monologues via text message.

Most men hate that sort of thing, especially 40 year old men who have already dodged similar messages.

Seriously OP, either have a frank conversation IN PERSON about what you want (and if he doesn't want the same thing, move on) or if you really believe that he's been manipulating you (and not just because people on MN have wound you up to think this is the case) then don't even bother contacting him. He'll get the message without out having to spell it out for him.

He is back messaging me saying that he’s thinking about me at work but it’s in a sexual nature.

Op, why not just block him?

The older man nagging, manipulating and making demands of the younger, naive girlfriend is a tale as old as time.

If you show any independent thought at all, he'll break your confidence and hope that you'll go back to begging for his attentions. Which usually happens.

You need a life, interests and friends to keep busy. If you want to see this man, do it on your terms, but if you want a relationship, look elsewhere. He's just looking for a side-piece while he casts off the marriage. Men in their 40s only want girls in their 20s for one thing, and it's not a relationship.