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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

218 replies

folly115 · 17/05/2022 19:12

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

OP posts:
Topgub · 17/05/2022 19:14

Why have you stayed with someone who won't parent their kids?

And now won't go out and is controlling how much money you spend?

Fuck that

PBJTime · 17/05/2022 19:14

YANBU.

To stop the kids doing clubs or from you leaving the house is highly unreasonable and very controlling.

Original poster
folly115 · 17/05/2022 19:15

TBH before the pandemic and cost of living crisis he wasn't this bad - it has escalated alot within the last 6 months.

OP posts:
Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 17/05/2022 19:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Andromachehadabadday · 17/05/2022 19:17

Sounds like he controlled you through refusing to parent his own children.

Now they are older and that’s not working, money is the excuse he is using to control you and the kids now.

melissasummerfield · 17/05/2022 19:17

Sounds like an utterly miserable experience on many levels, why have you stayed with this man?

Anonymous48 · 17/05/2022 19:18

"I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids."

Did I seriously just read this? He doesn't want to be responsible for his own kids?

AntarcticTern · 17/05/2022 19:18

He sounds completely joyless OP. Personally I'd be thinking seriously about whether this is the life I want.

RealBecca · 17/05/2022 19:18

He can control his money and spending but not fair to impose his control to manage his anxieties on others.

Stop enabling by offering to work weekends. He needs to find a coping strategy.

YukoandHiro · 17/05/2022 19:19

You need to sit down and go through a budget with him. Show wiling to understand his side but make clear the budget needs to set out enough for your kids activities and for you to socialise/enjoy life etc

PBJTime · 17/05/2022 19:19

folly115 · 17/05/2022 19:15

TBH before the pandemic and cost of living crisis he wasn't this bad - it has escalated alot within the last 6 months.

It's still not normal op. He's refusing to be a dad and now controlling you all.

Why an earth are you allowing this?

Topgub · 17/05/2022 19:19

@folly115

So he looked after them on his own pre pandemic?

Roselilly36 · 17/05/2022 19:19

That doesn’t sound healthy OP, do you think he’s having a breakdown? I agree times are getting tough, but you have to live too. Life is all about balance.

YukoandHiro · 17/05/2022 19:20

But I do also think @Andromachehadabadday might have a point and maybe you should look at seeing a relationship counsellor (even if just on your own) to get to the bottom of that

NC1010 · 17/05/2022 19:20

I couldn't be in a controlling, and boring relationship with a man who is actively stopping me and my children from having fun.

What is he going to do for Christmas and birthdays?

God I just couldn't.

ChiswickFlo · 17/05/2022 19:21

Your poor kids

WulyJmpr · 17/05/2022 19:21

He sounds rubbish. Does he have any good points?

He can't tell you how to spend your money anyway.

Hugasauras · 17/05/2022 19:22

I'd encourage him to do the double shifts just so you don't have to see him tbh.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 17/05/2022 19:22

Honestly denying the children a birthday party would have me packing his bags and changing the locks. I’m careful with money but he sounds fucking miserable

LetitiaLeghorn · 17/05/2022 19:23

What a miserable existence. How about cutting the cost of feeding him?

Dauncets · 17/05/2022 19:23

This sounds incredibly miserable both for you and for him. I get that he's worried about money and I'm sure we've all had our "fuck, I really don't want to commit to xyz future plan because things are getting tighter" thoughts recently but the extent to which he is taking this is far beyond belt tightening.

Do you want to live like this? And for your kids to live like this?

420Bruh · 17/05/2022 19:23

Remind him how expensive divorce is

SheWoreYellow · 17/05/2022 19:24

In your opinion you can afford football club and to see friends. So can you afford it?
And is he just worried about the cost of living going up further?

Could you agree on a level of savings that he will be comfortable with, and apart from that you can spend your monthly income without feeling bad?

LoveSpringDaffs · 17/05/2022 19:24

Do you still love him?
Do you want to try & 'fix it'?

or do you think it might be time for you to go your separate ways?

thefirstmrsrochester · 17/05/2022 19:27

He is financially controlling and that is abuse.

So you all have to stay home and be miserable because he doesn’t like to go out.

He won’t allow you to have a weekend job to cover the costs of your childrens clubs because he doesn’t want to be part of bringing up his own children.

It is very grim OP.