AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

[folly115]

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

Refusing to parent the DCs is nothing to do with money and everything to do with him being an arse. That is the main problem. He's opted out of family life and sees himself as only having the role of 'provider'. He hasn't had to be a father or husband.

I can't tell if you want advice or if you want to leave? If you want to leave, then do so. You have permission.

If you want advice, then make an appointment for you both to see a financial adviser. For someone who is focused on financial security, the combination of the cost of living increase and the pandemic is a worrying time. He's not the only person reconsidering their spending and investments. People who thought they had security are now realising that their situation is more precarious than they thought.

I think he has some sort of undiagnosed mental health issue as this is not normal. To be that fixated on the money issue to the extent that's having a detrimental impact on your wellbeing and that of the DCs needs addressing. Anxiety, OCD, Asperger's, something else - I think he needs to see a Doc as that might give him an understanding of his behaviour which might mean he can manage it.
You won't be able to change this on your own OP. He sounds very entrenched in his behaviour

@Topgub if he is autistic he will not be able to understand how his behaviour is impacting family if it is not explained logically and visually. It is a disability, asking someone with asd to empathise and understand emotional reasoning can be like expecting a deaf person to be able to hear you shouting at them.

All she has to do is change communication style and urge him to get help.

He has to get help, accept his autism, go through therapy and change the parameters of what is currently making him feel secure and safe when he has a huge anxiety response.

Most of the onus is on him - if he can’t deal with his shit better he risks losing his family and the financial security he has built up.

Does he understand that if you leave him, and the kids go with you (which is inevitable) then his refusal to take any responsibility for them will mean he will have to pay maintenance for them? He sounds controling and obsessive, and there's no way I could live like that.

@Robinni

All she has to do is..

Cause changing how you communicate is that easy.

I'm aware autism is a disability but this person doesn't have a diagnosis.

He might just be an arsehole who liked his own way and has been allowed to get away with not parenting his kids

You can't stay with him because some other people who aren't you like him! Particularly if one of the people who doesn't like him is one of your children.

why are you still with him??

As for somebody mentioning how he is outside of home vs at home - this is masking; just like the little kid who is ace in school, but then comes home and has meltdowns.

This isn't a meltdown or less social behaviour at home, this a systematic controlling of another person's finances, social life etc. It's an entire abdication from parenthood. If he knows enough to know that it's important to be pleasant to others outside the home, he should realise that while it's okay to have some downtime from this, it doesn't mean that you can treat your immediate family with disdain.

Besides which he hasn't even got a diagnosis, so it's just speculation. Sometimes I think autism is used as an excuse for being an arsehole, which must be awful for people who have autism.

I'm a bloke, and admittedly not read the whole string.
His controlled spending does sound a bit much, given the financial position you allude to. In harsh economic times like this, it's natural to reign in household spending, but do so in a way that does not curb fun and happiness.
I don't do debt either, and avoid it at all costs to keep my stress levels down. But that's me.
Suggest you talk to him, and try to agree some compromise.
Good luck.

@Topgub

well exactly He might just be an arsehole who liked his own way and has been allowed to get away with not parenting his kids

But OP has stated they are pretty sure they have a disability and everything described points to extreme anxiety and difficulty coping with change.

So wouldn’t it be better to try and support DH to deal with his health issues rather than just call him a dickhead and be done with it… potential neurodevelopmental problems require the consideration just the same as a cardiovascular complaint or any other health issue.

Most adults are capable of reviewing their finances, calculating a budget and percentage change based on inflationary projections, primary school maths.

All I’m saying is OP present the information to prove that his beliefs are illogical and anxiety driven. And change some of their language from emotive “I need/want/should have/desire xyz” to logical and assertive “I am/kids are going to do xyz because it has such and such benefits and is affordable within our budget”.

Reading a few pages online about communication styles for autistics or reading a book isn’t that hard.

@Portiasparty I am autistic, as is my son, as are many in our social and family circle.

I don’t find anything awful about arsehole behaviours being associated with autism because sometimes autistics can appear to be this way… the difference being it is symptomatic and can be remedied particularly if the autistic is in the range previously described as high functioning/aspergers.

Control over money and security is a big thing, as is difficulty with theory of mind.

What I would do is address and get support for the medical issue if present. If it is ruled out, then he is just being an arsehole… but honestly the image of him in the borrowed shoes drinking water at a wedding that’s about as quirky and autie as it gets…

My 12 yr old has never really got on with him but my older child worships him.

@folly115 Are the older ones not his?

You say he is happy with a frugal, minimalistic life. I can understand that. That's how I live my life. I have also cut all non-essential spending since the pandemic (not that I ever spent that much on "luxuries" anyway). I won't go into details of how my life functions but basically I'm very outdoorsy and most things centre around free activities in nature. I also have financial anxiety - I shouldn't as I am very stable. Mortgage paid off, savings and a reasonably stable income. I am sure I got this anxiety from seeing my parents (especially my mother) struggle as a child - and my mother constantly counting the cash in an envelope by her bed which was the money we had to live on for a month.
So, yes I can understand the financial anxiety and the frugalism. However, I have no children and am therefore free to be as minimalistic as I like without impacting them.

The bigger question here is his attitude to not caring for the children - ie. he doesn't see why he should take responsibility. That's why I wondered if they are not all his biological children. He sounds like he tries to control everything by controlling what you can and can't do and on top of that controlling the finances.

I think you should seriously consider whether you wish to stay married to him going on like this. It will impact your children later on if they are exposed to too much of this financial anxiety, never mind the feeling of not being cared for by their Dad/stepdad

Exactly. I mean… by all means the OP can choose to put up with his controlling, abusive behaviour. But don’t force it on the kids.

What a miserable way to live.

I can't believe he's putting off new glasses and necessary dental treatment if you can afford it. He needs to give his head a wobble. He risks damaging his sight and having to pay a lot more if his dental issues get worse from leaving them... he may end up in agony with a dental abscess or with a much bigger bill to pay.

On your kids' activities, those would be necessities imo assuming you can afford them without going into debt. Likewise, parties. Two hobbies per child is hardly excessive and anything that gets them out of the house, socialising and being active with friends, is good for their health and self-confidence. And parties are one of the things kids remember from their childhood.

Likewise, you need to be able to socialise with friends for your own wellbeing. Maybe there's a discussion to be had around personal budgets for spending each month and lunch/dinner out could be replaced with coffee some of the time, but it doesn't sound like you're extravagant and there's nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy life.

There's a deeper question of course as to whether you really want to be with him or whether you're only staying with him for financial reasons. It sounds like he's left you with the lion's share of bringing up the children and, now you finally have a bit more freedom and want to live a little, he's spoiling it for you. In your shoes, I would be quite resentful - I would view this as being my time after working so hard running round after everyone.

If, after thinking about it, you do want to split and it's just money keeping you together, then maybe you're looking at work the wrong way, i.e. cutting down, when what you should be thinking about is how to increase your earning potential so you can have the life you want independently without him dragging you down.

He can't make unilateral decisions about what you and children can or can't do. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. Show him your budget clearly showing you can afford kids clubs and some socialising. If he wants to borrow shoes and drink water all night then let him, but you decide for yourself what you will drink and wear. Remember you chose to be living with this man. Your kids did not get a choice. Don't let him make their childhoods miserable.

Is he having a breakdown?

You're doing enough working FT.

No practical advice but life cannot continue with his obsessive attitude.

Is it an autistic trait to not want to look after your own children? (serious question). Also would you think it was okay for someone with potential autistic traits to not seek a diagnosis or have any treatment? Because at the moment, the person with supposed autism is getting everything their own way and the other people in their lives (including their children) are the ones suffering.

And if the DP refuses diagnosis/treatment wouldn't it be reasonable for the other person to get out of the relationship because it's not a fair balance of needs and wants?

He is a very kind man but I have noticed this is to everyone else apart from his own family.

A 'kind man' who is kind to everyone except his own family is absolutely NOT a kind man.

He's obsessively controlling. You both work full time. You contribute equally. And yet he is a shit parent who dictates to the whole family what you can spend money on?

It sounds like what was once an annoying quirk has developed into a full-on obsession - a bit like someone who starts off counting calories to keep to a healthy weight, but it then develops into a restrictive eating disorder which they try to claim is normal and impose on people around them. So, I do think he possibly has a mental health issue around this.

BUT... he is also, quite separately from that, an arsehole. He doesn't think it's 'his job' to collect his kids? He isn't kind to you as a family? He's a shit dad? He resents you going out now and again? Regardless of the money issue, he's horrible.

It’s funny how his Autisim, comes into play in ways he can control op.

can’t cope with parenting, which ends up with op not been able to go anywhere.

when that stops being a problem and she can go out, he all of sudden starts controlling money And she is made to feel like she can’t go out. Massive coincidence.

Getting an adult diagnosis is really difficult. But the trend of ‘probably has undiagnosed autisim’ is swiftly becoming the go to excuse to excuse (mainly) mens piss poor behaviour.

There was a thread the other day where the husband wanted to move to another country to work on his art, and live off the family savings and wife’s wage, while she stayed behind, with the child and worked full time. He was currently a sahp to 1 school age child and OP was having to prioritise him getting solitude, despite him having 5 hours alone every day. But his behaviour is excused with ‘he says he has undiagnosed autisim’. As though no behaviour can be labelled controlling or Dickish, once you say it.

This thread is just like that one.

100%.
I would be leaving.

It can be, some really struggle with the noise the mess and everything that comes with kids - sensory overload - and generally understanding their needs. Of course potential issues unknown until children born. Lots of articles online. And multitasking can be difficult, OP’s DH appears to have defined his job as worker/provider of financial security… There are a tonne of strategies to improve these issues and the general inflexibility he presents with - this was probably reinforced over the lockdowns; his routine being house and walking around area, probably made him feel safe and became a crutch, now the world is changing again to activities outside of this he’s perceiving change as a threat, compounded by cost of living giving him further evidence of threat. Lockdowns were absolutely awful at worsening autistic traits.

I don’t think it is ok for an autistic person not to seek diagnosis/treatment because there is a lot of unnecessary suffering without it - for them primarily but also their families - and the person is quite vulnerable too. However, there is a massive stigma, as people hear autism and think Harvey Price, which isn’t always the case!! I wasn’t diagnosed until after my DS - finally gave me the release valve to stand up for myself - Apart from DH I don’t talk about it with anyone else… except on here really where trying to give/get support or explain it.

Absolutely reasonable for OP to leave if the dominant negative behaviour continues and he won’t see reason/compromise/seek help. This would be the case in any relationship, nobody should be trapped.

Equally, running away from the problem, if it is autism, could still present issues as she will still need to interact with him, as will the kids. And if the security of the house/savings is his main security blanket taking it away via divorce could plunge him into a breakdown. From the sounds of things this goes way beyond the examples given. So yeah, get it dealt with if at all possible, therapy and intervention strategies.

In my experience, whenever a man is calling the shots in a family, it is against the woman and children's best interests. Man goggles centre men. Women goggles seem to have a wider lens.

Getting an adult diagnosis is really difficult. But the trend of ‘probably has undiagnosed autisim’ is swiftly becoming the go to excuse to excuse (mainly) mens piss poor behaviour

You only have to look on MN to see this. Nearly every thread about some (usually) man behaving like a dick sees several posters (if not the OP themselves) pop up with "But perhaps he has undiagnosed autism", "Sounds autistic to me", "He had autism, this behaviour can't be helped" etc.
If it's not autism it's depression or other mental health issues.

Some people are just dicks. And some people do have mental health issues and depression and they should recognize the impact this has on their family and access whatever help and support they can get.

I think your husband has an actual anxiety. You should go with him to seek professional advice. It is wonderful that you own your home and this leaves you with more options. Many people have been affected by the pandemic. Focus on joy and try to regain some fun. I hope you can find helpful solutions.

He is definitely taking the CoL crisis worries too far.
You'll have to decide if you can shrug this off as a phase or if he's intolerable.

He doesn't go out anyway so what is the time inconvenience if he has to pick up the teenagers from somewhere?? He's part of a family & family members help each other out. Are the kids his bio offspring?

I have no idea how a whole family including teenagers, manages with no credit cards. Do you even have debit cards? My DH;'s obsession is never use debit cards due to lack of consumer protection.