AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

[folly115]

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

This is really really true. I am related to someone, who is now retired and has assets of over a million with hundreds of thousands in the bank, has bought his ds a house cash but will not buy himself a new pair of shoes or a decent coat. He would rather shiver in a 30 year old coat and get wet feet in shoes with large holes in them. Everything, I mean everything, is make do and mend.

This sounds like a thoroughly miserable existence op. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. It is really important for their long term health that they exercise and the clubs are really important for their mental health.

That would only work though if the husband recognises he has a problem. I think it's highly unlikely that he will do so as he seems to think it's everyone else who has got things wrong. I have mental health issues, but I struggle every day to overcome them. Particularly given that it would impact my children if I didn't. I don't think mental disabilities or mental health issues should be a get out of jail free card for the other person to have to make all the sacrifices. I also don't think that you can make another person seek help/treatment. The onus is completely on the husband.

He either cannot see he has a problem or doesn't want to go through the effort of resolving it, neither of which the OP can do much about.

As for finding children difficult, he's not dealing with a couple of toddlers. It would be a teenager and a twelve year old. If he can manage to mask with other family members, he could choose to do it for his own children for a few hours. He just chooses not to.

@Portiasparty true he does need to recognise and take action himself and without this it would be unreasonable for OP to put up with his behaviour.

I disagree that the onus is completely on the husband though as he is clearly at a crisis point and acting a total loon about things…. He needs support from his family, dealing with this is not a single handed affair…. For goodness sake you wouldn’t say to somebody suspected of having cancer “the onus is all on them to sort it out”… although not life threatening things like asd and mental health need support and not hands off approach at the point where the individual is at their worst.

As for the masking I don’t think you quite get it - if he truly is autistic, the amount of energy required to be passable in order to hold down a job and socialise is enormous…. There has to be a point where they can just sit and be as they are, usually at home, so they can recoup to be able to cope again. The only way the guy could manage to choose to mask all the time at home would be if he did something drastic like stopped all socialising out of the house or cut his job in two… The not picking up the kids thing could be a separate obsession who knows…. But it’s clear he needs help.

@Portiasparty FYI

Masking
www.healthline.com/health/autism/autism-masking#effects

Parenting with autism
www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2017/05/autism-parenting/526989/

Also info on obsessions and repetitive behaviour (such as obsession over money and specific routines)
www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/obsessions/all-audiences

This stood out to me too. The over-cautiousness with money definitely stems from them, but it sounds like it's bordering on becoming a mental health issue (if there's suspected ASD or ADHD, it's not unsurprising for someone to become fixated on something).

I grew up with little money and very money conscious parents and am naturally wary myself (to the point that I'll often end up buying a "cheap" alternative to something more expensive and then kicking myself when it's rubbish! I can afford the more expensive items - I just don't want to!). The difference is that although I was aware, growing up, that there wasn't much money, my parents never made a big deal of it in front of me.

Obviously we can't see the inner workings of your relationship and, if there is something else at play here in terms of anxiety, etc, I'm not going to jump on the LTB bandwagon on the money point alone.

If your mortgage is paid off, you're not going to lose your house. Yes, utilities have gone up but you should be able to demonstrate exactly what your incomings and outgoings are on a spreadsheet. He will be able to see it in black and white.

If you're spending more than you're earning, he's right to want to cut back, but if you're saving, then suggest reviewing it together and making some compromises on costs - i.e. getting rid of a Netflix subscription but keeping Disney Plus, kind of thing. There's no need in being wasteful, but there's also no need to do nothing in life for the sake of saving money - you can't take it with you beyond the grave after all!

If he still is adamant that you're spending too much there's definitely some underlying issue at hand.

The bigger issue is the lack of parenting IMO and that is crossing in to LTB territory. What would happen if you divorced? Does he realise there would be an expectation of contact?! Or would he just wash his hands of you and leave you to continue doing everything? I suspect I know the answer to that one. He certainly wouldn't be happy paying maintenance instead though...!

I don't think anyone, including me, has said that he should mask all of the time. But I also happen to think that he could take some responsibility at some point for his children.

The cancer example is always used on these threads, but I think it's a poor one. Would you expect someone with cancer to not even go to the doctors or not follow their treatment? Personally I don't think it's up to other people to take all the responsibility to make someone else have treatment. Have you ever tried to get someone to admit they have a problem? If they choose not to, they won't.

Of course the OP would support him if he took the first steps. She's spent all this time fitting into his perspective and trying to keep him happy. But at her own expense. There comes a point where it is not all down to her to keep the family dynamic healthy. Telling her to do that when that's all she's ever done is not fair on her. She's done more than enough and deserves support, not more things to be put on her shoulders.

@Portiasparty I completely agree he should be taking some responsibility for his children. I’m not sure when he is actually going to get much of a chance to see them though if working full time and on double shifts due to his neuroticism.

As for the cancer analogy - friend of mine was in denial for ages until his gf said you’ve a giant lump on your bollock and you need to deal with it. Sometimes people need the obvious to be pointed out!

OP should in no way be taking all the responsibility for DH…. All I’ve recommended actually, is taking responsibility for her own happiness by addressing the issue…

He needs to work on his relationship with his children and money. It sounds joyless.

Life is too short to never have anything new or have new experiences. In your shoes I would end things with him if he will not change.

Christ just leave him op. Why spend the rest of your life being miserable and controlled

Couldnt give a crap if hes autisitc to not look after your children is being a selfish bastard

Just cos he wants to cancel the kids clubs doesn't mean he's selfish and joyless. HE IS PROB JUST WORRIED ABOUT 9% INFLATION AND NOT BEING ABLE TO PAY THE GAS AND ELECTRICITY BILLS AND FILL THE TANK WITH PETROL. Just cos he's financially astute does not mean he's controlling. Dear OP - if you have enough money to pay for living costs, then perhaps he ought to settle down a bit, but if high inflation / energy / food prices are a serious problem for your family then yes, one has to prioritise and spend money on essentials.

Did you miss this part of the OP?

"I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids."

This is not a good man, a good husband, or a good father.

firstly i want to say i have a 17 y old and a 11 y old with asd (and a lot more each)and was with a asd man for 22 years(till 2020),he was 17 when we got together so most of his adult life

granted my youngest is a child but they never act the way your describing, it is not a autism thing, hes just being very controlling and a shit parent, upbringing or not

im involved with many many asd(and a lot of other different disabilities/conditions)adults, teenagers and children as i help run a disabled support group, they range from mild to very severe

ive never come across this behaviour .you're either using asd as an excuse or he is

the reasons hes been this way for so long is you, you have allowed this from day one and are allowing it to go on. same story with how his parents treat you

your kids are going to get to a age where they are going to hate him for being this way and even more you for allowing it.

being very very frank your a bloody mug for putting up with this for so long.

its no need to put up with a life like that as a adult let alone children being brought up like that.

imaging being a child and being told you're not having a party for no other reason than i say so.
its abuse plain and simple, to you and the kids

you might not see it this way but us trained people can see it a mile off.
not all abuse is physical and shouting.
this man has turned out this way as the adults in his life(and whos hes trying to control)have allowed it

i sound very harsh and maybe nasty but why so many women(and men saying that)put up with so much shitty behaviour off anyone is very angering to us strong minded people

Yup, fair-enough. Did miss that bit in my eagerness to jump in! He should be happy if you want to have a part-time job. Definitely.

She already has a full time job, too.

Full-time and part-time jobs - That sound like alot. Maybe husband worried not enough family life. But I agree - bills getting harder and harder to pay. Can husb work and she just go part-time?

Sorry, just read OP - ignore me. I agree doesn’t sound great

Sounds like a control freak. You've paid your mortgage off so you haven't got that expense each month. Your in a much better position financially than a lot of people.