AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

[folly115]

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

He sounds like a fun sponge. I'm all for cutting your coat according to your cloth but you still need to have some fun and social life too.
It's good that he is conscious of saving and providing for his family by having no debts or mortgage putting you on a good footing. There are too many threads on here about frivolous spending on MN, surely there is a middle ground that can be reached.
Would you be able to encourage him that if you set up an "emergency fund" of say 4months salary then you can spend on some normal social activities too.

What was his childhood like? Does he ever mention feeling poor as a child. Did his parents bang on about having no money etc? Does he have anxiety over not having money and having debt?
He might just be a controlling tight arse, but my mum was brought up in poverty going without meals, wearing cast-offs and even when she became financially comfortable, she still has severe anxiety over spending any money on more than the basics and will always look for the cheapest way to do anything.

Your advice is actually really really good. We are an ND family and going through something similar. Sounds like OP husband is very anxious at the moment and money is something he feels he can control in mad times.

@Robinni i meant your advice

Why are people droning on about his childhood? If he had issues why would he not have resolved them before breeding and fucking up people? He just…gets to traumatise kids for his own entertainment ? Nah.

Does he not realise that not having the need dental work done will mean much higher bills and much more work later when his teeth start to really hurt and/or fall out? I am all for having an emergency fund and no debt but he sounds extreme. He sounds a miserable git to be fair

I'd be having a chat how divorce is so fiscally draining. I wouldn't be joking though. I wouldn't be waiting for the teeth to go bad. Staying with him means that you will get to enjoy him wearing borrowed shoes and drinking water at those rare social functions you will be attending with him.

I've just read your comment that you've stayed with him because everybody else loves him and thinks he is wonderful. Your youngest doesn't think he's wonderful, do they? You don't think he is wonderful either. How would your oldest feel if their additional activities were ended. If he thinks his dad is so wonderful, stop paying yourself and he can ask his dad for the money. I think it is madness staying with somebody because other people who don't know him well think he is wonderful. I bet they snigger about his meanness though and who wouldn't. Ask him whether the extra calories he uses up cycling to save petrol will mean higher food bills and see if he googles it. He'll have the kids in secondhand clothes before you know it.

Who knows or cares about his childhood money traumas? He has always been cheap and now he is cheaper. And as for the autism card, my husband is on the spectrum and wouldn't dream of behaving like this. He wants the best for his children.

OP, he isn't a "kind man"
He's a miserable, controlling git who doesn't even like his own children and won't be happy until you're all completely beaten down.

Thank you for this - I am autistic and I am sick and tired of reading threads on Mumsnet where autism (or the possibility of autism) is used as an excuse for all kinds of shitty, unreasonable behaviour.

OP, he's mad. 🙄

You both work full time and you have paid off the mortgage, so the most expensive bill each month doesn't exist for your family. Even if all you both earned is minimum wage, you have enough to live on and can afford a normal level of treats. Things like kids activities, coffee out with friends, a trip to the beach. As well as basics like new clothes when needed, suitable shoes, dentistry and pharmacy meds. He's a tight arse.

He's got life how he likes it, it's not a hardship for him to live this way. That he doesn't care if it's a hardship for the rest of you means he either doesn't care about you, or doesn't recognize you as separate people who aren't a part of him and who have their own needs and wants. Either way it's not good.

All he sees is people spending money and he doesn't want anyone else to have any fun because he wants to keep all the money. Who made him god of the household budget and all decisions?

It doesn't matter what others think of him, they don't have to live with him and his meanness, they don't see that side of him.

What's this shit about "it's not his job" to collect DC from friends if necessary? It's as much his job as it is yours. Don't feel guilty for going out sometimes, it's a normal thing to do.

If he hates literally all people he shouldn't be in a family then, he should be single. Then he'd have to pay rent/mortgage again probably as well as child maintenance, so life would be more expensive for him!

Although TBH I wouldn't put up with someone wanting to stay married to me if "it's cheaper" was the only reason! You're not there to facilitate his chosen way of life. It's ok to live the life you want. If you'd be happier single/looking for someone more compatible then do that. It's upto you.

If his problems are down to anxiety then he needs to recognise that it's his problem and he doesn't get to relieve his anxiety by controlling everyone else. He needs to find solutions that involves him doing things to combat his anxiety, not others being expected to relieve it for him by changing their behaviour to the extent they no longer have any kind of normal life.

There's every possibility he's just a dickhead and it's nothing to do with anxiety though. I'm sick of all bad behaviour being blamed on MH issues. It's entirely possible to have MH issues and not be a dickhead. Just as it's possible to be a dickhead as a personality defect with no underlying cause.

With no mortgage and two full time jobs coming, you should be having a good financial surplus each month.

How familiar are you with your monthly budget and savings situation? If the mortgage has been cleared for years, then I would guess that there it’s quite some nest egg. I would find out how much and where it was and whose name it was in.

I think once I had calmly got that information, I would then be talking massive change or divorce, both on him parenting his dc and loosening up the purse strings.

This!!!

Yes sorry but he's a miserable controlling git!

I wouldn’t be surprised if he has about 4 years salary put by never made nd 4 months

This is obviously his autistic mind thinking this is the best way to provide security for his family, but he is taking it to the extreme.

It sounds miserable OP, and he will not be able to see the nuance in 'some spending is OK but not others', it's too much of a grey area for his brain.

To be honest from what you've said I don't think he can cope with being in a marriage and making a partner and children happy, at least without quite a lot of therapy.

If he has no insight into what he is doing and the impact on you I would recommend seriously considering whether you could manage apart.

OP, do you have separate finances or is everything in the same pot? If it's the latter, does he control all the family money? Or do you have access to the bank accounts?

‘I think it is why I have stayed with him for so long because everybody else loves him and thinks he is wonderful.’

But you don’t & that is what matters right now.

In some ways he has been a ‘great provider’. At first for himself from a very early age (any childhood experiences there or just how he was brought up?), then for you & then the children. You both work full time so you are now equally good providers.

But where is the joy in this?
Past the satisfaction & safety in having a secure roof over your heads, where is the benefit of having so much extra money unless it works to please you.
To paraphrase, are you living to save or saving to live?

Is there sense in his uncertainty about expenditure exceeding income? Does he have a realistic picture of household expenditure?

Is he panicking due to long ago difficulties?
Might he have been precocious about earning money as a child as a control to offset earlier experiences?
Maybe he is good with other people as they are at a distance, but family life takes him back to a childhood state where he did not feel safe or loving intimacy. In effect, he is repeating what he grew up with?

I ask to see past who he seems to be now & is there anything to work for in the future? is there enough between you to get through this impasse?

Because the situation is not going to get better on its own, it’s miserable enough now & once the children have gone, what will you be left with?

Perceptive comment.

Absolutely baffled that anyone could think he was great because he is obsessed with saving money….when he also refuses to parent his own kids.

But then I going to guess op has spent her life trying to hide that from people. Protecting him from people knowing the truth

You describe him as ‘very kind’
How is refusing to look after his own children, even when that was deleterious to your life, and seeking to stop the things his family loves ‘kind’

refusing to parent your own children is surely the opposite of ‘kind’. It’s extraordinarily selfish.

Would he agree to a budget review whereby you could both agree to build in monthly expenditure for four things:
extra curricular activities for the children
socialisation for you and the children.
health treatments not covered by the nhs
treats for Xmas and birthdays

If he won’t talk /agree to the above possibilities from within your joint account, then you must separate your incomes and open a new account of your own to provide those things from your own earnings. You can not allow him to have complete control and say of your income.

It seems you have been more than generous in allowing him to renege on parenting duties. So, if you can afford it, then I would now start to insist on a bit of an all round reset of priorities for you all …not just him.

Ultimately, what are you getting out of being with such a joyless, selfish man?
You and your children would be better off alone.

Write him a letter with expectations being met or you will leave him.

It's all shit but trying to stop the kids going to activities is the deal breaker (only slightly ahead of everything else).

Your dh did very well to be mortgage free that's a huge achievement but since no enjoyment is allowed and you arnt enjoying a mortgage free financial state I'm not sure who it's benefitted.

If you leave him would you get universal credit etc? Then you can make your own money decisions!!

@Robinni

Are you seriously suggesting the op pander to this behaviour? And even worse encourage it by saying me and the kids will fuck off and not bother you?

OP, can you confirm he is the children's father? Your latest post suggests it's possible he isn't.