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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

218 replies

folly115 · 17/05/2022 19:12

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 17/05/2022 21:08

Initially when I read your thread, he’s taken things a bit too far recently.

However, he’s 100% right about not getting a credit card, AND you managed to have paid off your mortgage already, thanks to his thrifty-ness.

Maybe you need to sit down and have a really good talk about finances and childcare responsibilities. Also, has he mentioned FIRE at recently? It might be he’s really gotten into this (Financial Independence Retire Early).

Original poster
folly115 · 17/05/2022 21:09

He is a very kind man but I have noticed this is to everyone else apart from his own family. He does so much for my parents, (more than me!!!) and to our neighbours. He is a really good laugh if there are no children about and there is no money worries - he is very quick witted but since we have all started bleeding him dry he has lost all his redeemimg features. He says the old him will come back when we can live more frugally and not be constantly spending money.

My 12 yr old has never really got on with him but my older child worships him. His parents don't particularly like me they think I do too much. I spend both of our hard earned cash on frivolous things - as a child he never did anything or went anywhere and they think I spoil the kids. My parents also love him because he does so much for them but they also see the fact that he doesn't like spending any money. It is only really me and my youngest child that see this not so desirable side in him. I think it is why I have stayed with him for so long because everybody else loves him and thinks he is wonderful.

I

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 17/05/2022 21:10

So? Prioritise your kids over some shit bloke. Ffs.

Silversprinkles · 17/05/2022 21:29

420Bruh · 17/05/2022 19:23

Remind him how expensive divorce is

This was my first thought too! What a miserable sod. Nope he doesn't get to decree that you all have to sink into his misery.

Thehonestybox · 17/05/2022 21:33

OMG I really would consider leaving! My auntie was strung along like this for decades by her husband. There was always some financial goal to get to, like paying off mortgage or saving enough for retirement, or reason to be extra frugal and have no real life.

Eventually he moved to a different country to work and save for retirement and then he died at 65.

If he was 'happy' to live a simple unmaterialistic life (which is perfectly fine), then he wouldn't have been such a workaholic and money focused when he was so young.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 17/05/2022 21:33

@folly115

This is coercive control
Not being careful

I'd leave him he sounds dreadful and why have a life of misery for you and the kids? What's the point in that? Life is too short

ArcheryAnnie · 17/05/2022 21:35

he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids

He is literally not the boss of you. It's not for him to allow or not allow you to do things.

He is, however, a parent. He is, whether he likes it or not, jointly responsible for the children he has brought into the world.

You choose what do do and how much to spend, OP. Do not allow this joyless, controlling man any more power over you.

Herejustforthisone · 17/05/2022 21:36

He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

It sounds miserable as shit. 😞

VestaTilley · 17/05/2022 21:42

He may have anxiety or autism - but there’s no excuse for being a crap Dad.

Your children should still have birthday parties! You can do really cheap ones at home (musical statues, pass-the-parcel, a party tea; or if they’re older get in pizzas and popcorn and let them watch a film with friends).

Certainly do not pull your DC out of clubs! If you’ve paid off your mortgage and both work you should be absolutely fine, come what may! He sounds controlling.

And the fact that he won’t parent his own children would’ve had me packing his bags a long time ago.

Beachsidesunset · 17/05/2022 21:44

Is he father to the youngest only?

ZenNudist · 17/05/2022 21:46

420Bruh · 17/05/2022 19:23

Remind him how expensive divorce is

This!

givethatWolfAbanana · 17/05/2022 21:50

It sounds such a joyless relationship and such a joyless existence

You stay with him only because everyone else thinks he is great? They don't know him like you do though!

LuaDipa · 17/05/2022 21:51

Andromachehadabadday · 17/05/2022 19:17

Sounds like he controlled you through refusing to parent his own children.

Now they are older and that’s not working, money is the excuse he is using to control you and the kids now.

This.

I couldn’t live like this and I wouldn’t want my kids to either. He just wants you all to do what he wants, he doesn’t care about any of you.

MissPeregrinesHome · 17/05/2022 21:54

@420Bruh

"Remind him how expensive divorce is"
Indeed. May be worth a try.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 17/05/2022 21:55

He sounds like he’s having a breakdown.

this is totally unreasonable. Cycle to work - fine, great for saving money/fitness/eco. New shoes for him - daft but whatever. Dentist - he’s an idiot, it’ll cost him more long term. Kids hobbies, you going out - totally out of order.

he sounds like Scrooge at the moment.

bellsbuss · 17/05/2022 21:58

I would have to leave, life is for living.

Scianel · 17/05/2022 21:59

why are you talking about a weekend job, and not working during the week, since they are now more self sufficient? I can't understand why you'd not be looking for proper work during the week

@SD1978 OP already has a full-time job, it's right there in her first post.

ChairCareOh · 17/05/2022 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

hellrabbitishere · 17/05/2022 22:07

life is too short ,what you need to ask yourself is do you really want to be tied to this bore for the next how many years , theres one thing being careful with money esp in times like these , but its another to be as tight as a ducks butt until your living a joyless existence , its fair enough if he does want to live a joyless one , but why should he force that on you and the kids ? as for his old personality will come back once the kids and you are stuck indoors with him 24/7 and only spending on food 🙄if thats not control i dont know what is . a similar non violent version of the abuser to his wife , my dear if you only hadnt asked me to not smoke a load of puff in front of the kids i wouldnt have smashed the house up and id be all happy like i normally am , i mean give over , you shouldnt have to toe the line in order for him to happy , if you do theres something wrong

Noelsjumper · 17/05/2022 22:10

Cost of LIVING, clue is in the name. Sounds like he's just trying to survive and dragging everyone along with him.

I'm in two minds as to whether he's having some sort of MH crisis or whether he's just a controlling cunt. I'm not sure him being on the spectrum really comes into it.

It doesn't sound like he values much in life other than money? He's putting it above his own wants/needs and that of his wife and children. Do you have savings/a buffer each month for when bills increase?

Italiangreyhound · 17/05/2022 22:12

It's over the top. Don't let him ruin your life or kids lives. Just tell him you won't be sticking to his mad-made rules.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 17/05/2022 22:15

He sounds awful.

Does he love you or the children? How does he demonstrate that love?

He sounds like he resents you all.

Tigertigertigertiger · 17/05/2022 22:16

His attitude seems very over the top. Does he see you as a reckless spender ? Do you think you are in any way frivolous with money or is he deluded in this respect?be honest

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 17/05/2022 22:16

And also where does the surplus money go??

Do you have access to that money?

Looking4wards · 17/05/2022 22:20

His parents don't particularly like me they think I do too much. I spend both of our hard earned cash on frivolous things - as a child he never did anything or went anywhere and they think I spoil the kids.

This stood out to me. Are you saying his parents share his attitude toward money? As a child, his parents never spent any money on him either? He's learned that from them then hasn't he.