AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

[folly115]

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

He's a crap father. I don't agree he's scared and panicking , it sounds like he's always been like this.
I couldn't live like this. I feel sorry for the kids.

He’s a controlling arsehole. A ‘kind’ man doesn’t refuse to look after his own children. A ‘kind’ man doesn’t stop his children do extra curricular activities. A ‘kind’ man doesn’t prevent his wife from having a life outside the house.
All the excuses people are making for him are absolute bollocks. Would you all live like this.

I think Even debt management plans give you an allowance for holidays/haircuts/dental treatments/kids activities before they take thier money?!

first step sit down and say this is not a life you are willing to lead. You can work together on a budget inc kids stuff, and yearly stuff like birthday/Xmas/car not etc then what is left is split between you . If he wants to save his half then that’s up to him (and if you are married then it’s half yours anyway) and you can spend yours on yourself.

if he still doesn’t like this idea than you need to talk about splitting. Hopefully it sounds like there might be enough I savings for him to use to buy a flat and move out and you can keep the house. He will then have to pay maintenance (which you can spend as you like!)

life needs a bit of fun otherwise what’s the point?

Have you sat down with him and gone through your expenses, income, pension, savings, ISAs etc and worked out a budget.

I suspect he won’t as that would involve him showing you what exactly he has in the bank and blowing his latest form of control out of the water.

i would be gathering evidence as to what he does have in his savings, his earnings etc.Because if you ever do get sick of living a joyless controlled existence you ca be damn sure he won’t want you or the children to see a penny.

I wonder if he realises that you could walk away with half the house he worked so hard to pay for.
(Friend ended up getting the whole house)

What a miserable existence.

You realise it'll only get worse? I feel for your children having to be subjected to a father who doesn't feel basic parenting is his responsibility.

Life's too short. Tell him you want a divorce or you want to start spending money without being hassled like an ignorant child.

I hate threads like this, ones where the op seems ok with living a miserable existence but doesn't realise its being forced on her kids too.

Sounds like a joyless bore. And a really mean parent, too.

you write this post then all the answers are excuses for why he is like that, i am sorry for you and your children, that is not living or being a husband and father if he constantly complains about money/spending, i could understand it if you had loads of outgoings and expenses but as you say you are comfortable with no serious money worries. i would get to resent him and not want to be with him, as others have said divorce would cost him a lot of money and probably the sale of his house as it would probably need to be sold and money split between you. i would sit down and talk to him about how unhappy you and the kids are, and if he does not stop all this then maybe things need to change or he will end up on his own living like a hermit and leaving all his money to others.
ps, he can get glasses online as long as long as he knows what his prescription is. i hope you work things out before you get to the point of not wanting to be with him.

It was not having a party this year that stuck out for me.

If he's panicking about money AND has his kids best interests at heart he could have suggested scaling right down - a party at home or 3 mates over for pizza and sleepover.

To outright ban any celebration with friends (if this is what he means) is just fucking joyless and unnecessary and suggests something more is going on - either he's a complete prick who doesn't care about his kids happiness or he has MH issues that have overtaken him and led him to not be able to think clearly.

Unfortunately, this cost of living crisis will disproportionately affect lower income groups. It is unequal. Particularly those whose funds were entirely already allocated to necessary costs e.g. rent / mortgage / bills /food.

It sounds like you are all in a very financially secure position. Your utilities and food costs are probably the most 'volatile' at the moment so if you are affording those, I see no reason to cut back on your DCs fun activities.

For some people, the 'noise' of the cost of living crisis is actually worse than their reality.

I was so pissed off with the Tories yesterday when they voted against the windfall tax. What a bunch of uncaring prats

I just had a.similar exchange with a friend. Here's what I sent her:

This page, the section under "shared assets and resources"
www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224#toc-tactics-used

It doesn't matter why these tactics are being used. What does matter is that you view them as unacceptable and behaviours you should not tolerate.

I found this quotation:
"Financial abuse is the withholding of funds or refusing access to funds to a responsible partner," Julie Williamson, LPC, NCC, RPT, a therapist at Abundant Life Counseling St. Louis, LLC, tells Bustle. "The aim of it is to gain control and dominance over one's partner or one's own fear and anxiety of losing money."

I grew up in a home where my father made it very difficult for any of us to spend money. It was abusive really, and I think what your husband is doing is also abusive. As soon as I could I earned my own money so I wouldn't have to ask him for money. I am very money savvy and am in a good financial position now - but I am very messed up about money and no matter how much I have in the bank it never feels like enough. This is not a good thing. My father died at 54 with a lot of money in the bank. No one got to enjoy it and my memory of my father and my childhood is one of anger and deprivation, which I now know was totally unnecessary. These are not good feelings and I have lots of complicated feelings about my mother letting us live this way (I have forgiven her now, but I am in my fifties!) Please don't let him treat you and your children this way any longer. You do not have to live like this.

Not sure about deliberately "controlling" as such, this seems to be how he was raised (which is pretty sad) so it's his norm and within his comfort zone. As you say, he's always been like this, even when you were dating. However, it's a glaring finincial incompatibility (hardly surprising as he does seem extreme) which, alone, could be a dealbreaker, and add the lack of parenting into the equation and it's not a great relationship.

No, what I’m saying is if he is autistic and in a state of stress then there is a way out of it.

And a way to communicate with him effectively to get what she wants.

She needs to stop being emotive and start speaking logical sense - show the breakdown of things and that he is being unreasonable - until he sees it on paper he won’t get it.

If he is finding the kids/life/not having time for his interests stressful she can say - on a Saturday me and kids will go off and do what we want which will give you time for what you want = spending the money benefit to all. This does not relinquish him of parental responsibility the other 6 1/2 days of the week!! But is a viable solution.

He needs therapy and appropriate support urgently.

Everyone on MN is quick to jump to divorce - it’s on every relationship thread going.

Personally I think a period of trying to resolve the issue and get him help first would be more beneficial.

It’s like if your car breaks down, your immediate response is take it to the garage, not scrap it…. There may be a time DH needs to be scrapped but seriously try and get the problem sorted, a lot of people have had very adverse reactions to the last few years it isn’t uncommon.

Yes, this. In what way is this an autistic trait? How is someone only generous-spirited to people outside of their own immediate family.

It definitely sounds to me more like he is controlling than that he is having some kind of breakdown. From the sound of it he's always been controlling, otherwise you would be questioning the fact that he seems to think he can make all the decisions (kids' clubs, your social life, whether you work at weekends etc).

Your life shouldn't be miserable and joyless because he wants to put even more money aside (you've already paid off your mortgage FFS at a relatively young age). I know someone like this, who controlled his wife with money, kept taking her abroad to get her away from her friends, always moaned about her not earning enough, while making it difficult for her to earn her own money. It was an obvious ploy because even when he inherited half his parents' house he was still pleading poverty. It's financial abuse OP.

Have you sat down with him and gone through your expenses, income, pension, savings, ISAs etc and worked out a budget.

I suspect he won’t as that would involve him showing you what exactly he has in the bank and blowing his latest form of control out of the water.

I was wondering along these lines too. You both work FT, have no mortgage, no debts, no credit cards and seem to live reasonably frugally then I would suspect you have a surplus each month.

Having savings is good obviously. But are you aware how much you have in joint savings and would you have access to it if necessary or does he control that too.

Note the word "joint". It is not just his money or his place to decide. It should be a joint decision

This will sound bitchier than is intended but if he was such a go-getter from an early age I'm curious how he can still only be on an average wage. You'd think someone so money-orientated would aim higher.

Life is for living op. This is a shit way to live.

Fencing and your kids clubs isn't just about money, it's about socialisation, gaining confidence, it's good for their mental health and broadening their horizons. It's not 'wasting money'. The same goes for you, it's not about money, it's about you and your mental health, it's about you socialising and enjoying life. HE might enjoy staying in and doing anything, but you and your sc don't. Neither of you are right or wrong, but a relationship is about mutually respecting and supporting each other. You don't sound compatible at all

If you earn money why do you take any notice of him? Your money, your rules. You can spend within your means as you want.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month

I see no problem with this, by the way. I did it myself and think it's very sensible. If you lose your job tomorrow it's less serious if you have no debt.

@Robinni

Your suggestion leaves all of the 'fixing' and responsibilities to the op, none to the oh is causing the issues

The onus is on him to make sure is negative behaviours dont affect his wife and kids

Do you have full sight of the finances? How much is left every month after essentials are paid for?

I would suggest that the money left over gets split 3 ways - 1 part for savings, 1 part for him (which he can put into savings if he chooses), and 1 part for you to do with as you see fit.

You both work (and you pull a second shift with childcare), so the money belongs to both of you and not just to him.

Autistics can struggle with social aspects of work, this and the fact that they have a low stress tolerance can hold them back from career progression. I know one person with two first class honours degrees - it took them until late thirties to land a fab job as they came across badly at interview.

As for somebody mentioning how he is outside of home vs at home - this is masking; just like the little kid who is ace in school, but then comes home and has meltdowns.

Seriously OP get him a diagnosis and help. Sort out the budgeting and try the communication strategies as described. And regain financial control of your own money - you have earned it!

If he still gets on neurotically after help or won’t seek help and you are unhappy then consider separating. But there is a good chance he could be better with support.