AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

[folly115]

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

My 12 yr old has never really got on with him but my older child worships him

I’m confused. They’re his kids aren’t they? It’s an unusual way to talk about them.

I would stop consulting him on these things. Take the costs out of your own income. Just pick up the car keys and drive to the beach. Sign DC up for clubs. His frugality can make up the shortfall. I think you'll get nowhere if you do as he says all the time.

If he fights you over it, just gently explain life is for living and he can be as frugal as he wants but he can't inflict that on other people.

And definitely organise birthday parties for DC. Doesn't have to be extravagant.

OP he’s controlling you all. What kind of decent parent won’t let their children do activities when there clearly IS the money to pay for them? It’s horrible behaviour

If you don’t have a mortgage and aren’t allowed to spend money on fun things where’s the money going?

it sounds utterly joyless. What do you actually gain from being with him?

You're considering adding an additional job on to your already full time job because your financially controlling husband won't let you spend the money you presumably already spend 40 hours a week contributing towards the family pot for?

Furthermore, this man doesn't want to be there for his kids?

I think you need to learn the value of the word No. Say it often and say it loud. Or get a divorce.

It could be that the two of you had very different economic approaches until 6 months ago, but from your description I think he sounds depressed and anxious now and it sounds out of control.

His fear of poverty/ spending is playing out by trying to control you too. Unless he gets his MH in order, I'd leave him, this is no way to live. If he agrees to getting his MH assessed (and treated if the GP advises him he needs treatment), only after that has improved would I consider marriage counselling.

The fact that he's a hands-off Dad wouldn't make me think you should leave him. It wasn't enough of an issue for you before but his spending crisis sounds more critical to get a handle on now.

Your poor kids

Agree, this crisis has come at a convenient time for him. I'm a single parent on minimum wage. Whilst it's a worry of course, we are still doing as much as possible. Life is for living!

I don’t think he’s trying to be controlling. It sounds like anxiety or a form of OCD. It can manifest itself as extreme worrying about money. See also obsessive compulsive personality disorder. I think ultimately this comes from some form of severe anxiety and that he’s living in survivial mode. He doesn’t want to leave the house, is prepping for diaster. Not sure what the solution is really, MH is complex. But understanding things can help you and him.

He doesnt sound controlling to me and his autism may well play a part on what your describing in that he is taking it much further than most almost to the point of obsession. He isnt telling you not to see freinds or do things just to chose doing it when it doesnt cost money. Just remind him you earn that money too and dont agree with him and if needed seperate finances. For the kids put your foot down and say they need at least one after school activity each. Compromise is key 2 weekends local 2 further a field. Autistic people can be single minded and hyper focused and it can be both advantageous ie your mortgage is paid off and disadvantageous ie he wants to limit what you do to save more. It just needs lots of open communication.

It seems like he was inclined to watch the pennies and now he’s gone into hyperdrive thanks to the cost of living crisis. From what you describe, his family background was full of this frugality. But It’s v unreasonable to expect you and your children to forego all activities. Would finance planning help? Would he feel more secure knowing there’s a contingency for the next year?

Sounds like an autistic obsession. Does he have a diagnosis?

You haven't mentioned much about your finances apart from him paying off the mortgage. Do you have a lot of savings / pension / investments?

OP this is awful. He doesn't LET you do certain things, he wants to stop you and your children from living your own lives, hes controlling everything and you're letting him.

I know many are saying it but please at least have a think about a life without him as a partner.
Imagine it... because the only other option for you to have a chance at being able to live how you'd like is if you let him know, in no uncertain terms, that he must stop controlling the family, learn how to compromise and actively parent his own children.

If he doesn't take it seriously and you don't want to leave him, your only other option is to accept that this is the life you have chosen for yourself and your children.

You offered to work weekends on top of your full time job? I’m guessing money is really tight. It all sounds fucking miserable but it doesn’t matter what we think. What’s important is what he thinks. He isn’t going to change as some randoms on mumsnet said he was a miserable sod.

He says the old him will come back when we can live more frugally and not be constantly spending money.

Yeah that really is controlling behaviour - especially a she can switch it on and off to an audience.

Either he needs counselling to sort out his unhealthy attitude to money and his children or you need a divorce so that you can live your live uncontrolled.

He sounds so awful.

Has controlled you via doing fxxk all for his children.

Showboats in public but mean and joyless at home.

Controls the money you earn.

OP, what an utterly miserable life.

I think you desperately need to talk to Women's aid and get a professional, objective view.

Stop discussing your choices with him.

It is positive that the morgage is cleared.

Start assembling payroll slips, financial information, bank accounts.

Keep these somewhere safe.

I think you need to start planning if this is how you want your future to be.

I think that you need to tell him that there needs to be a balance of spending & saving

All saving is not healthy
All spending is not healthy

I would look at

Do you both pay into work pensions ?
Do you have emergency savings ?
Do you have some fun money for birthdays, holidays, Xmas, hobbies, activities ?

OP, it just sounds to me as if your DH has reached a state of hyper vigilance about spending unnecessarily during uncertain times. You say he wasn't so bad until Covid struck, unless he feels as if he has been royally ripped off recently, and has had a reaction which is now obsessive? This is fine for him, but of course you and your children want to live, so if it was me i would leave him to it, and just go out to the cinema, meals out etc with just yourself and children.

Showboats in public but mean and joyless at home.

This. Wants to play performative happy families but not actually put in the effort to have a happy family.

It's so confusing and upsetting for the kids of people like this.

Because as far as those kids can see, their dad is always happy around other people but not happy around them. Therefore they feel they are the problem.

It's so damaging.

I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids

Well he can’t be that worried about money.

It is a control issue.

A divorce would cost him so much more money than a few kids clubs and a bit of petrol for days out.

Unfortunately the control has stepped up during the pandemic. He could act like he did and blame it on the pandemic.

Now he can blame the control on the cost of living crisis.

When that is over it will be something else.

Nothing of this is really about money.

He sounds joyless, controlling and unbelievably boring.

Your kids will remember their childhoods as such.

He hates people and socialising? Fuck that. There is so much more to life. Yours sounds stifling and dull.

@folly115 if he is autistic you need to put your ideas into autistic logical language.

Do a budget of your ingoings and outgoings, if possible on a spreadsheet, flow charts are also good.

It needs to be factual but visual.

Look up videos on YouTube or Financial Times articles about best worst and mid range scenarios in terms of inflation and project this onto your figures to see what you are liable to be faced with.

What you need to do is say - this is what we have available money wise; A is for essentials, B is the surplus. I feel X amount of B should be spent on me/kids clubs because of xyz benefits and it does not impact our overall budget - even in a worst case scenario inflation projection. AND it will benefit you because me and kids will be out of your hair and this means you’ll have more time for X special interest - that last bit is important as something that fits with his own agenda he’ll be more likely to accept.

There will be a lot of people on here saying oh he’s a dick fullstop. If he’s autistic he won’t think the same and probably has high anxiety particularly after covid, now war and inflation.

You need to have your objectives explained in logical language, visually, back up evidence and link to his agenda to quell the anxiety and control issues. Good luck!

Ps I know people in NT terms may think the above a bit far fetched… but you are currently trying to communicate with husband in emotive language about having fun and spending on non essentials, in a time where the shitstorm is coming. He perceives this as illogical….

You need to speak his language to make him feel secure about your spending. And I would get the kids to come up with a more expensive idea like a specific trip or concert to make the activities look more appealing to him.

Also get him a counsellor and a diagnosis if possible his anxiety is off the chart.

You are not being unreasonable at all, and it sounds like he might have some issues.

Since the cost of living has increased, I'm looking at ways to reduce those costs. My dp has a tendency to put lights on when it is daylight. I've been nagging him there and thought I was being a bit OTT.

If you are both average earners, do you each have an allowance? We have a joint bank account, but we also have an allowance that comes out of the bank weekly. He wouldn't dream of asking what I do with mine, and I wouldn't question him. Is this something you could do? Allocate each other a realistic allowance that allows you to do what you want?

This. OP, you really need to raise your standards and your self esteem.