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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

218 replies

folly115 · 17/05/2022 19:12

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2022 20:26

SD1978 · 17/05/2022 19:43

If the kids are teenagers, why are you talking about a weekend job, and not working during the week, since they are now more self sufficient? I can't understand why you'd not be looking for proper work during the week, and instead looking at a weekend job with kids in high school

She does...

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week

W0rkah0licBl00s · 17/05/2022 20:26

Get yourself a job & some financial independence

Get some independence to do the things that you enjoy

If he won't change, make plans to leave

Ontobetterthings · 17/05/2022 20:26

Why on earth do you need to get a weekend job when working full time? You have paid your mortgage off. That is disgraceful that you should have to do that when you say there's plenty of money to pay for activities. Im astonished.

Andromachehadabadday · 17/05/2022 20:27

W0rkah0licBl00s · 17/05/2022 20:26

Get yourself a job & some financial independence

Get some independence to do the things that you enjoy

If he won't change, make plans to leave

Op has a full time job

W0rkah0licBl00s · 17/05/2022 20:27

Apologies you do work

In that case, do your own hobbies, holidays, treats

No need to be miserable

TheProvincialLady · 17/05/2022 20:31

He’s controlling and financially abusive. He’s a shit father and a shit partner. Leave him, take half his precious house and whatever maintenance he has to give you and go and enjoy the rest of your life. And give your poor kids a chance to be free from this arsehole.

TolkiensFallow · 17/05/2022 20:34

Sounds horrible. A total fun sponge.

bloodyunicorns · 17/05/2022 20:35

He has never looked after his kids???

bloodyunicorns · 17/05/2022 20:35

He is living a half life - what's the point of working if you can't go out and spend what you've worked for, see friends, laugh, see the world, enjoy yourself??

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 17/05/2022 20:37

What is the point in even existing just to work, eat and sleep? I don’t get it. That’s very controlling OP. Very. And you appear to go along with it under the guise of him possibly being autistic? If he can’t understand that your wishes are different to his and that he needs to make allowances for those as much you have to for his, then I think you’ve got some serious decisions to make. I couldn’t live like that and I’m not a big spender. You’ve put up with him seemingly not caring for his own children for years, and now he’s telling you how your own money is to be spent/saved too. No, no, no.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/05/2022 20:38

He has no idea how to enjoy life- there is no point having money and being mortgage free if not to enjoy the opportunities that opens up. Between that and being a shite dad I’m not sure I’d advise you to stay.

PBJTime · 17/05/2022 20:39

If you both work and bring in a wage then why is he telling you how to spend your own money? Maybe it's time to spilt the bills and no longer do joint banking.

Knittingchamp · 17/05/2022 20:39

Topgub · 17/05/2022 19:14

Why have you stayed with someone who won't parent their kids?

And now won't go out and is controlling how much money you spend?

Fuck that

Perfect answer. We could stop the thread here, really! I'd just add the phrase 'he wouldn't let me' that you said in reference to you getting a weekend job is awful. He's not your parent.

TakeMeToKernow · 17/05/2022 20:48

If your wages are “average” in ONS speak that’s £31,700 each. Bung it through a tax calculator and round it down, call it £4000 take home each month.

if we had no mortgage to pay and that income (even with 3 teens) we’d be… really pretty comfortable!! Just how big is the saving pot? I know they say you should keep 3 months of your living costs aside… do you have about 3 years??

Does he ever say what the just incase is? Does he want the DCs to go to Uni debt free?

19lottie82 · 17/05/2022 20:49

For the financial problems I would advise that you split the household bills 50/50 and both contribute £X to spot for the kids expenses. After that your wage is your own to do what you want with. Out of curiosity, what would him reaction be if you suggested this?

However I think in the grand scheme of things the problems run deeper than this, and I couldn’t be with someone who begrudged me a coffee with my friends, or a birthday party for our children.

what redeeming features does he have? I’m presuming he has some as you are still with him. Do the children like him?

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 17/05/2022 20:54

Op have you both sat down and gone through all your finances? It might be that he has a perceived idea if your finances that doesn’t match reality - eg thinks you are breaking even, when in fact, you are managing to save each month. The cost of living is quite frightening, and this can escalate financial fears. (It does for me). Is he trying to save for pensions/university for your children etc. does he have job security issues?
A conversation might help you to see each other’s pov.

PamelaD00ve · 17/05/2022 20:57

Fast forward 20 years and you're living a miserable existence in only one room of your house and reusing teabags to save pennies to keep him happy, and only having a strained, distant relationship with your kids and grandkids because your DH is so intolerable and joyless.

People only get weirder as they get older. Heed my warning.

QueenCamilla · 17/05/2022 21:00

Andromachehadabadday · 17/05/2022 19:17

Sounds like he controlled you through refusing to parent his own children.

Now they are older and that’s not working, money is the excuse he is using to control you and the kids now.

@Andromachehadabadday

Spot on!

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2022 21:02

folly115 · 17/05/2022 19:15

TBH before the pandemic and cost of living crisis he wasn't this bad - it has escalated alot within the last 6 months.

He sounds unwell but it’s no way for you and your DC to live

iRun2eatCake · 17/05/2022 21:03

folly115 · 17/05/2022 20:12

He is been very money savvy and he worked 3 different jobs at 13
(in the days when you could wash up in pubs and do endless paper rounds) by 19 he bought his first flat and he sold it 10 years later for a HUGE profit and then bought a house. He was 25 when I met him and he was so grown up in his attitide to everything not like a normal 25 yr old lad who just wanted a bit of fun. Looking back now in the early days when we went out it was to the cheapest restaurant and everything was done on the cheap.

We earn an average wage and our outgoings are less than some because we don't have a mortgage. BUT he says as soon as he earns it the money is gone but there is quite a surplus but needs al large surplus for "just in case" . Kids have football club fees each, DD does dancing and my son does fencing. His argument is these are not necessities - they have bikes and an xbox so they don't need activities. I should be happy when not at work in the garden or going to friends houses or them coming to mine and meeting them in a pub or cafe is totally unnecessary.

Birthdays and christmas he is happy with very little as he is happy living a very frugal minimalistic life!!

He sounds like a complete bore

Ducksinthebath · 17/05/2022 21:03

Are you prepared to live half a life until you die? Leave him now and start living your life.

SD1978 · 17/05/2022 21:03

@ReadyToMoveIt - I utterly missed that and no idea how.... thanks!

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2022 21:05

W0rkah0licBl00s · 17/05/2022 20:26

Get yourself a job & some financial independence

Get some independence to do the things that you enjoy

If he won't change, make plans to leave

She has a job

Sittingonabench · 17/05/2022 21:05

This doesn’t sound like it is a new thing. From the sounds of it he has had this attitude to finances from a young age and you have both benefited from it in your house being paid off and presumably having a decent emergency fund and retirement planning. I agree that his hands off approach with children is an issue but it is separate. You need to talk to him about budgeting and your need to have a social outlet. I agree separate finances may be a way forward to alleviate his and your stresses.

NewandNotImproved · 17/05/2022 21:05

No need to type out paragraphs about your shit husbands past, thoughts, or words.

Why, exactly, are you inflicting this man on your kids? Don’t you care about the damage he’s causing them with his refusal to parent them?

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