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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH is taking cost of living crisis a bit far

218 replies

folly115 · 17/05/2022 19:12

For context I am sure my DH is on the autistic spectrum.
He is really panicking over the cost of living crisis and has stopped all spending on anything. He never spends any money on himself ever but he needs new glasses and he will not be getting them nor having dental treatment he needs.
He wants me to cancel all the kids clubs and neither are allowed a birthday party this year. He has decided to cycle to work each day to save fuel which I agree is a good cost saving measure but he will not use the car to drive to the beach or a beauty spot for a walk because it costs money. If we walk round our local area it costs nothing.

The pandemic made him realise how much he relishes his home and how going out and spending money is not necessary. He hasn't been a great dad as he has never looked after the children so I can go out now they are teenagers I have started living a little and he hates me going out. 1. Because it costs money (although nothing I do costs that much) 2. Because he has to be on standby to pick kids up from friends houses if they need it and this is not his job.

We are average earners and we both work full time during the week but because I want to enjoy life- see friends or pay for kids footie club - he now has to work double shifts (his perception - in my opinion this isn't necessary).
I have offered to get a weekend job but he won't let me do this as he does not want to be responsible for the kids. He says we shouldn't need to work extra hours we should just curb our spending and only pay out for food and bills and literally nothing else and he is happy doing this because he never spends any money anyway. He isn't a social person at all and he hates people so for him not going anywhere or doing anything is ok but me and the kids can't live like that we need to see people.

We were at a wedding at the weekend and he refused to buy new shoes ashe only has trainers and work boots so he borrowed a pair off my dad and drank tap water all night.

He has a real thing about debt so we have no credit cards or anything and when the kids were small he paid the mortgage off by overpaying each month.

AIBU to think he is going a bit far? He doesn't understand why we can't be happy in our house or walking round our local area at the weekend without having to be out all the time.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 17/05/2022 19:28

This is NOT Autism. He is choosing to use money to control you and the kids. He is choosing to be a distant Father who doesn't really know his own children. He is choosing to make your life way more bleak and miserable that it needs to be.

I'm surprised it has taken you this long to realise what a shit he is.

thenewduchessoflapland · 17/05/2022 19:29

What do you and your children actually get out of your relationships with him?

You've had to raise your children alone because he won't parent his own children as "it's not his job";how miserable;by not ever sharing childcare duties he's been able to control you.

I'd be considering how I'd want to spend the rest of my life tbh.

Mindymomo · 17/05/2022 19:29

Can you do an income and expenditure account and list everything there. Maybe once he sees it in writing, you can work out what money is left for entertainment, kids, car etc.

SuziSecondLaw · 17/05/2022 19:30

Ignoring the financial issues, I can't see why you're with this person?
He's a shitty parent, sounds like a shitty partner... What's the point in this relationship?

musicforthesoul · 17/05/2022 19:30

How does he react if you tell him point blank that you aren't willing to live like that, you don't consider it necessary on your income and it would make you extremely unhappy to do so? Properly spell it out.

if this has escalated recently his reaction should tell you if this is related to mental health (in which case he needs to get help) or if he's just a controlling wanker. If you're worried to be that blunt then have a good think why, that would be telling in itself.

Failing to do his fair share with the kids is just pathetic, that should be happening regardless of money worries.

meganorks · 17/05/2022 19:34

Tell him a divorce would cost him a lot more! I'm only half joking. This sounds utterly miserable. He sounds like he has decided, because he doesn't like going anywhere or doing anything, neither should you. It doesn't sound like you are off frivolously spending money, but you have to be able to occasionally go and do something.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/05/2022 19:37

Your children are almost grown - who wants to live like this in the few short years you have left with them?

Get divorced - this is no way to live. YOU don't want to live like this, so don't.

NamechangeFML · 17/05/2022 19:41

He needs to go to the bloody GP and get some nice anxiety meds!
maybe youve normalised his behaviour? I did too.
tell him he needs to go,and thats that.
you cant live your life around his " ways" when he can actually get some help

hattie43 · 17/05/2022 19:43

He's not a bundle of laughs is he Confused

SD1978 · 17/05/2022 19:43

If the kids are teenagers, why are you talking about a weekend job, and not working during the week, since they are now more self sufficient? I can't understand why you'd not be looking for proper work during the week, and instead looking at a weekend job with kids in high school

OnceMoreWithoutFeeling · 17/05/2022 19:44

Well he sounds fucking awful. What attracted you to him?

kitkatkaytie · 17/05/2022 19:47

That's just cruel about the parties. Tell him to do do one and make sure your children still enjoy special moments.

PinkSyCo · 17/05/2022 19:48

He’s using the rise in the cost of living as a way to control you. Fair enough if he’s contest to just exist, but do not allow him to stop you and your kids from living!

BobLemon · 17/05/2022 19:51

I’m not really sure if he’s not being unreasonable… what ARE your costs vs income? You’re both working FT, but are they both min wage FT?

who looks after the family expenses? Him? Is there something you don’t know?

If your mortgage is paid off, are there some other significant outgoings? Is he a FIRE subscriber?

NothingIsWrong · 17/05/2022 19:52

SD1978 · 17/05/2022 19:43

If the kids are teenagers, why are you talking about a weekend job, and not working during the week, since they are now more self sufficient? I can't understand why you'd not be looking for proper work during the week, and instead looking at a weekend job with kids in high school

She already works full time during the week, weekends are an extra to help pay for kids stuff

GCMM · 17/05/2022 19:55

Ignore him. He's being unreasonable. You and the children should live your lives and if he doesn't want to join in, let him stay at home by himself-it sounds like he'd be happier doing that anyway.

Jules912 · 17/05/2022 19:58

Agree, this sounds like he's financially controlling you and I would never stay with a man who refuses to parent his own kids, especially if you both work full time.
If you actually want to stay with him sit down and work out what you can actually afford ( even in low paying jobs i'd've thought you'd have some money left over given no mortgage or debt).

BemoreDerek · 17/05/2022 20:01

Andromachehadabadday · 17/05/2022 19:17

Sounds like he controlled you through refusing to parent his own children.

Now they are older and that’s not working, money is the excuse he is using to control you and the kids now.

Nail on head, have a really good think about this post OP.

Oblomov22 · 17/05/2022 20:01

What a joyless twat. What do you expect us to say? Do you really want advice?

Original poster
folly115 · 17/05/2022 20:12

He is been very money savvy and he worked 3 different jobs at 13
(in the days when you could wash up in pubs and do endless paper rounds) by 19 he bought his first flat and he sold it 10 years later for a HUGE profit and then bought a house. He was 25 when I met him and he was so grown up in his attitide to everything not like a normal 25 yr old lad who just wanted a bit of fun. Looking back now in the early days when we went out it was to the cheapest restaurant and everything was done on the cheap.

We earn an average wage and our outgoings are less than some because we don't have a mortgage. BUT he says as soon as he earns it the money is gone but there is quite a surplus but needs al large surplus for "just in case" . Kids have football club fees each, DD does dancing and my son does fencing. His argument is these are not necessities - they have bikes and an xbox so they don't need activities. I should be happy when not at work in the garden or going to friends houses or them coming to mine and meeting them in a pub or cafe is totally unnecessary.

Birthdays and christmas he is happy with very little as he is happy living a very frugal minimalistic life!!

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 17/05/2022 20:13

as pp have said its just a reason to control you

first the pandemic now cost of living-did he ever parent his children or was it not his job

Anonymous48 · 17/05/2022 20:15

folly115 · 17/05/2022 20:12

He is been very money savvy and he worked 3 different jobs at 13
(in the days when you could wash up in pubs and do endless paper rounds) by 19 he bought his first flat and he sold it 10 years later for a HUGE profit and then bought a house. He was 25 when I met him and he was so grown up in his attitide to everything not like a normal 25 yr old lad who just wanted a bit of fun. Looking back now in the early days when we went out it was to the cheapest restaurant and everything was done on the cheap.

We earn an average wage and our outgoings are less than some because we don't have a mortgage. BUT he says as soon as he earns it the money is gone but there is quite a surplus but needs al large surplus for "just in case" . Kids have football club fees each, DD does dancing and my son does fencing. His argument is these are not necessities - they have bikes and an xbox so they don't need activities. I should be happy when not at work in the garden or going to friends houses or them coming to mine and meeting them in a pub or cafe is totally unnecessary.

Birthdays and christmas he is happy with very little as he is happy living a very frugal minimalistic life!!

Why are you focusing on the money, and not on the fact that the father of your children doesn't want to take any responsibility for them?

whynotwhatknot · 17/05/2022 20:15

hes a cheapskate ans always has been op

ReadyToMoveIt · 17/05/2022 20:15

SD1978 · 17/05/2022 19:43

If the kids are teenagers, why are you talking about a weekend job, and not working during the week, since they are now more self sufficient? I can't understand why you'd not be looking for proper work during the week, and instead looking at a weekend job with kids in high school

She works full time during the week. It’s right there in the OP.

Alconleigh · 17/05/2022 20:22

The description of your life has made me feel trapped and sad and I'm not even in it. Please leave.