‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

*Has dinner ready for him every night when he comes home that meant

Wtf is he going to do when you go back to work?

Well yes, that was out of order, but is that a habit of his (to come in angry, throw stuff on the floor and start moaning), or did he just have a snap, as a one-off?

If he does this kind of thing regularly then that's not very attractive, is it. He needs sitting down and a long chat about how caring about a toddler is also exhausting and there are times when extra bits need doing, by other party, because some days don't go as planned, etc.

But if this is literally the first time he's had this reaction, I'd be asking him - if he's calmed down - what triggered it. Perhaps he had an awful day at work too and just lashed out without thinking twice - this is something I do too as a woman sometimes, after a terrible, exhausting day.

I don't mean his reaction would be justified - but I'd want to know why it happened in the first place. Does he deserve to be cut some slack as a one off, or is there a deeper concern?

I think you're both being reasonable tbh. Children are hard work. Physical jobs are demanding and wear you out. You are both tired from the load you carry and it's easy to feel like your load is unfair. For someone working full time he seems to be doing a reasonable amount to me (assuming he does play with and give attention to the children as well - you didn't mention that, but if apart from the practical stuff he ignores them that's a whole other matter because they need a relationship with him too). If I was tired from work and then got asked to do an extra thing I am sure I'd be annoyed and I might gripe about it. If I was tired from childcare and housework and life admin and I asked nicely for my partner to do some extra work and he was grumpy and resentful about it I would also be annoyed. This seems like something to discuss together when you're both relaxed and refreshed, if in that situation he is unable to see your point of view or recognise the weight of your load then I'd say he's being unreasonable.

I know this isn't the point, but where the hell do you need to pay a bill at 5:30pm on a Friday that can't be done online? Where is even open to pay a bill?

🤷🏼‍♀️

So what would he do if he went to work all day (like most of us do) and lived alone? What would he do about washing his clothes? Feeding himself? Keeping his home clean? Sorting out his life admin?

"Going to work all day" is not an excuse for doing nothing else.

Echoing others here I know, but what does he think happens in households where both parents work? My husband and I both work 40 hours+, officially 4 days each but lots of extra ad-hoc hours, and manage to look after two children under 4, look after the house and garden etc.

I think you are both Unreasonable to be honest . He has over reacted for what would seem like a minor request but I get the sense you consider what you do is of equal challenge / tiring / difficulty as what he does? You have one 3 gear one at home. Life admin is not a job

He doesn't do 'nothing else', per OP's post. I'm working full-time, studying part-time and live alone so all that workload is mine. The difference is, I can organise myself and do it all at a pace / on the days and times that I decide. I too would be pissed off if at the end of a busy week something unexpected came up that needed my attention - regardless of who / where it came from.

But like I said in my previous post, it depends on whether this whining is normal behaviour for this man, or he just snapped as he was tired and annoyed with life on that particular evening. The first is definitely not acceptable.

Dh contacts me on his way home to ask if we need anything. Sometimes we do and sometimes we dont. I dont understand the paying a bill bit though as ours are done online.

I think he's got a point and I can't understand why you were asking him to pay a bill?

Up until the point he had a strop I wasn't seeing a problem.

You said he does some bedtimes and one weekend get up, washes up etc.

But if that strop was a one off I'd talk to him rather than ignore him. We all have off days where we over react.

My guess is you're both reacting in your own way to the worries over your DDs health?

Tbh this question is up there with asking the OP how she'd cope if she was a single mother with no support 🤷🏼‍♀️

Unless he strops like this a lot it doesn’t sound like a big deal, we all have bad days and your lives don’t sound horrible unbalanced.

It was an internet bill to be paid at the shop (we’re abroad, don’t know if it’s different here, but can pay at shops too) we couldn’t do it online as a huge chunk came out of this bank this month for DD’s new bedroom and other bills

I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner. to pay a bill? What like top up the meter card?

Tbh I think one of those things would have been enough if he'd been at work. If I've had a tough day at work and a long commute home I just want to go home. But his reaction was out of order

I think him doing nothing much in the evenings or at weekends makes it pretty unbalanced

@donchafeellikecrying Yes, yes I do consider it equally as hard being at home, I’ve worked full time and did marking and reports after work & weekends, I was never as tired as I am now. I do every other single thing, all meals, all cleaning, all shopping, all organisation, all bills, all hospital appointments, all the sorting of my girls medicines.
I have never been working all
day long and come home to sit down to a dinner presented to me and a night of barely anything else to do in my life!

@Topgub This is my worry…I can see it being expected for this situation to sort of carry on, with me back to full time too…not happening!

He’s taking the piss. All bets are off when you have a sick child, you’ve been doing your job by caring for her all day and he gets shitty about being asked to do a couple of easy things.

How are you going to work things out more fairly once you’re back working? As a teacher you won’t be able to cover sickness, is he going to take time off? Is he going to share cooking, cleaning and childcare more fairly?

I’d start by taking a day off from at least cooking, cleaning and getting up with her each weekend. He presumably chose to have a child so he can’t expect life to continue as though he didn’t.

It's not the same kind of tiredness in my opinion. But it really depends on the nature of the job you did before. I have 3 kids. 2 of them are 1 year old twins. They are no where near as hard as my actual job.

@GrandSlamFinale Something unexpected came up after a busy day?
It was literally asking him to go to two shops, which he passes on the way home. To run in and pay a bill and to get some dinner.
When I worked full time, I did this most nights after work and was home late then had to cook.
I accept that I’m at home so can get all these things done, and I do, every time. This time we’d not got out of the house as Dd was ill and it was also a long, stressful, shitty day for me too.

@GarlicGnocchi No long commute home, 10 minute drive away, passes the shops on the way

@Nanny0gg Yep, this is it

I agree.

I'm a SAHM and DH and I have an agreement that we are both "working" from 6am to 6pm (when he leaves for work and when he gets home). His work is at the office, my work is here at home with the house and the DC. When he gets home we are both "finished work" and are both equally in charge of dinner, sorting out the DC, doing packed lunches for next day, etc. This was discussed before I left my job and has worked fairly well over the years. It ends up that I sort tea most week days as I'm here and the DC need feeding before 6pm but then he cooks on weekends, I also do most of thr housework purely because I like to get it done first thing in the daytime. Like any couple, we have our moments of Tiredness Top Trumps but that's life.

I think he was unreasonable to snap at you and huff about being asked to do two very simple tasks when you were busy looking after DD who had tummy pains.