‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

Perhaps your text to him was as lacking in detail as your original post? Did you tell him that she didn’t want to eat what you’d planned & only wanted bits & that she would only take her medication with chocolate milk? And that you’d missed going to the shop to pay for your internet before & risked being cut off before you could go the next morning? Drop in, pay a bill & get an easy dinner isn’t the same as your drip-feed.

You’re not being unreasonable and I’m with other posters who are shocked at some of the responses on here. He’s not very supportive and he sounds like he thinks he can put his feet up and let you crack on with running round after him and your daughter. It was a minor thing to ask him to do after you had a challenging day - he’s only got a 10 minute commute!
As a single parent who works and is responsible for everything (I often have to nip in to shops after work, I don’t get my dinner cooked for me every night), I think he’s showing a fundamental lack of respect for you. I hope you manage to nip this in the bud, because it doesn’t bode well for longevity in a marriage...

Or we had demanding, high responsibility, unsocial hours jobs. I'm a paramedic, part time now, but I worked full rotating shifts for over a decade. Even in the early days with DD, who has never been a great sleeper, I was never as tired as I was when I worked full time, and I'm eternally grateful that I have been part time over the last 2 years as I understand how exhausted my colleagues are now.

I now work 1 shift a week, which invariably finished late (average of 1.5 hours) plus a average of a 30 minute commute each way, and I have CPD commitments. So I reckon about 15 hours a week. DH looks after DD when I work, I look after her when he works (full time). Work is not a break, it is an opportunity for adult conversation and to use my brain, but definitely not a break.

DD is 4, so in preschool/playgroup now, but even before this, when she was only in playgroup a few mornings a week (and during lockdown), I managed to do all my personal work admin, all DDs admin and appointments, all housework (other than dishes in evening and weekend), all meal planning, shopping (online), cooking (other than weekends),gardening, and dog walking. I do this when DH is at work, I relax when he's relaxing on the days we have off together and in the evenings.

It's about having a plan and time management. Not being able to drink tea with a 3yo around (even a sick one) suggests that things have fallen apart a bit for OP.

Forgot to add, we have zero family support, nearest relatives are 1.5 hours away. So no 'phoning in' our parenting.

@Cyw2018 No, not at all. Nothing has fallen apart. We have zero family support, we live abroad, we haven’t had time alone/a break in almost 4 years. I am VERY organised, I keep every single thing going, without me, it would all fall apart, I’ve seen this if I’ve dared to be ill, it all goes to pieces.
My Dd is ill, I asked for help with one thing, even if she wasn’t ill, this was no big ask!! Surely?

So, this morning, he took her out to the shop, I managed to sleep until 10.30, mush have really needed it as haven’t slept that long in a long time. Got up to a quiet house and went downstairs, all great I thought. Was literally just pouring the water for the tea and they came home. So that was my break. I asked if she went to the playground etc, she said ‘No, daddy said tomorrow’

I'll be in the minority here, but the person at home should do the lion's share.

@Bintymcbintface So that’s all I am
to the household, I make the dinner
Unbelievable

@mycatisannoying I’m not disputing that, but to basically never get a break 🤷🏻‍♀️

You had a break this morning, you chose to spend it having a lie in (a totally valid use of your time).

Tomorrow you will get another break when your DH takes her out to the park. Presumably your DH needs some work/child free time too.

If your DD is well enough to go to the shops and park, then she was presumably well enough at some point earlier this week for you to take her with you and sort out the bill. Next time don't leave it to the last minute. I tackle my admin on a Tuesday, so that if things unravel later in the week I'm not missing payments/deadlines.

Your current job is being a SAHM, some people on here will say it isn't a job, but I disagree. You need to start treating it like a job, prioritise, meet deadlines, keep on top of things. Achieve what you need to during the hours your DH is at work and learn to switch off once he is home and at the weekend. The only things that should need doing in the evening/weekend is simple meals (batch cook in the week then reheat), dishes, and basic childcare (bathtime, bedtime, dressing). Surely this is the point of having a SAHP in the family.

But then SPEAK! You’re acting like a total wet lettuce martyr. Oh I have to do everything, things would fall apart without me, I’m just a slave who never gets a break. Why wait around for him to do xyz, asking your daughter if she went to the playground blah blah. Just say ‘I took dd out all day yesterday so you had a break, so today you can take her out/look after her so I can have a break.’ Or stop taking her out for him to have a break. Or just stop being a sahp since it sounds like you just resent it. In these cases I don’t think being a sahp works. If you’re not able to communicate openly then the relationship itself won’t work.

And realistically most of us don’t get a ‘break’ from the kids on a regular basis. Going to the park with the kids is my break from work! People on mumsnet act like a sahm should have time ‘off’ the way an employee does but most parents realistically don’t have that.

@Cyw2018 But I won’t get a break tomorrow, he won’t take her to the park as he’s at work, that’s why he said it.
Yesterday I did DD’s breakfast, he lay in, then I took her out until 3 pm and still did dinner etc etc. Is it fair I got until 10.30, when that tiny hour or two was when I obviously needed sleep.
Rather than just take her to the shops for something he needed, then bring her back, why not take her somewhere else fun too for the day?
In terms of her stomach, it really depends how it is on the day, if it’s bad, she doesn’t want to do anything, like any of us when we’re ill. Mainly I feel I take her out lots to try to distract her and get through the day at the moment…
I’m very organised in everything I do 👍

@Kanaloa I speak/argue about it all the time, I’m sick of arguing. I just believe this should be fair and this isn’t.

@Kanaloa But surely you get a *break from doing all the cooking/chores etc, surely you share them with your partner

What is his defence when you argue about it? He didn’t ask you to take her out until 3pm yesterday, it was your choice. Why can’t you take her out together on the weekends?

Yes because we both work. In all honesty I wouldn’t be happy to work full time to support DH then share all chores with him too after work. When I was a sahm (had to be since we have 4 kids and struggled with childcare costs) I did almost everything because I had no job and was at home all day. I am happy to now be back working and it feels fair that we now share everything because we’re doing equal work outside and inside the home.

But if DH wanted to quit and stay home all day with one 4 year old then complain that it was really hard work and I didn’t do enough etc I’d think it was time for us both to be working again and sharing things.

I also think it’s just a bit wet lettuce to say you took her out all day for him to have a break (unasked) and then wait around for him to reciprocate rather than just saying ‘are we both taking dd out for one day at the weekend? If you’re not then I won’t and we can just all be together at home.’

Because a lot of people don’t do that. I don’t take all the kids out on a Saturday so DH can ‘have a break’ followed by him taking them all out on Sunday so I can ‘have a break.’ Most people don’t have a full day a week without their children or work. So if you want that it needs to be communicated.

@BattenburgDonkey I did it to give him a break as he said he was so exhausted, we normally all go out together

@Kanaloa As I’ve said, I do the majority, I do basically everything in the house and weekends too, I’m not saying to split in half but I’m also not a robot/slave.

So it’s a one off then? And you did it to be nice and help him… and now you are mad
about it. Did you say ‘I need a proper break, can you take DD out for the day like I did for you?’ Or just ask for a lie in and him to take her out for a bit? Which is exactly what he did.

@BattenburgDonkey I didn’t ask for anything, I just thought he’d reciprocate in kind, I would, but not everyone thinks like that, do they

You are not a robot/ slave, you are inefficient.

Look up The organised mum method (TOMM) and the organised time technique (TOTT).

Meal plan and online shop so that you aren't going to the shops multiple times a week.

Batch cook so you have something to bung in the oven on Saturday and Sunday. Cook before DH returns from work so that it doesn't encroach on your free time.

Get on top of you admin early in the week, so that your DH doesn't need to do it at 5pm on a Friday, resulting in an argument going into the weekend.

Talk to your DH about allowing each other a proper half day each weekend of child free time, stipulate what that means time wise.

Stop whinging, you have it easy, as do I, many of my colleagues but work full time 12 hour shifts (days and nights) around their young families.

Honestly OP it just doesn’t sound horrifically unbalanced from what you’ve said. You are a SAHM, so yeah you do the housework, he washes up a few times a week, does his share of bed times, plays with DD after work, does one of the weekend mornings with DD, works full time in an exhausting job. Yeah he snapped when exhausted which wasn’t fair, but your life split isn’t abnormal.

He could do more at home, but youve emphasised how physical and exhausting his job is, so yep he leans on you, who is the house wife right now. You both just sound like you are reaching your limits with tiredness at the min, struggling with less money and a poorly child, he will be feeling the pressure of providing because he can’t take a break from work as the sole earner, you are stressed with picking up the slack at home and DDs tummy troubles. All marriages have hard patches like this, sounds like you need a proper discussion to get back on the same page. Stop being a martyr and tell him what you need. You need him to give you a proper break, tell him, people can’t read minds, and he’s exhausted according to you so he’s not going to become psychic is he. You are stressed adult parents, learn to use your words. Better doing it now rather than September because you’re just setting yourselves up to fail otherwise.

You had a bad day, he should have been supportive. It sounds like the last minute bill was actually something that hadn’t been paid for a couple of months which I expect was annoying though. You can’t really compare what it was like when you worked full time as working full time and having a child is totally different. With one child I do think you should be doing a large majority of the jhpuse work, childcare and organising. Does your child go to preschool?