‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

i didnt get a reply. But i wish you all wellness. If nothing else.. at least care for each other and help them if they are ill. Love <3 Rob.

That’s exactly my point. The previous poster was saying she should be able to get all this ‘normal stuff’ done without causing her stress. However the problem is the working partner wasn’t helping with any of the ‘normal stuff’. Where both parents are working they obviously should split these things between them, and my point was having one SAHP should be no different, the working parent should still help out with these things. They still have parental & household responsibilities.

Surely, beyond the first year of a childs life the whole point of having SAHP, aside from saving on ridiculous childcare costs, is so that both parents can enjoy their leisure time uninterrupted by chores.

In my view everything that can be done during my DH working hours (and same for him when I'm working part-time) should be done, leaving only time dependent tasks for evening and weekend, eg. Washing dishes after evening meal, kids bathtime/bedtime (and my understanding is that OP DH is already doing half of the bathtime/bedtime routine).

This way in the evening we are free to have quality family time, do our hobbies and socialise.

Obviously everyone is entitled to their own opinion on what a SAHP role should be, but clearly OP DH is not happy with OP interpretation of it.

In my view everything that can be done during my DH working hours (and same for him when I'm working part-time) should be done, leaving only time dependent tasks for evening and weekend, eg. Washing dishes after evening meal, kids bathtime/bedtime (and my understanding is that OP DH is already doing half of the bathtime/bedtime routine).

Can you expand on this please? About to become SAHM here. Keen to think how to make it a success for us all.

I found evenings worse for household stuff than the day

cooking, washing up, baths bed time all time consuming - we spilt the tasks one cooks while on baths the kids and so on -

Its shouldn’t be all down to the SAHP to do the evening tasks ~ to daily split leisure time both should be sitting down by the same time.

I've not read the whole thread, but I don't really understand, why he didn't just pick up a takeaway and pay the bill.
He needs to chill out a bit.
Maybe because I'm older I don't sweat the small stuff anymore it's not worth it.

Obviously it will depend on the age of the child/children. With a steady increase in work done as they get older and into childcare. My DD is 4 and in playgroup/ preschool 9-3 4 days a week. I work 1 shift a week so this is what I do in 4 days I'm off and DH is working...

Take and pick-up DD from school, and afterschool activities/playdates a couplke of times a week.

Walk or run dog each day

All cleaning - day to day stuff and longer term stuff. I follow a modified version of The Organised Mum Method (Her second book The Organised Time Technique is also worth a read). One load of laundry a day (Except Saturday and Monday, our weekend).

Meal planning, shopping (home delivery) and cooking (which I get done before DH finishes work).

Personal & work admin (timesheet/expenses etc), all DDs health & school admin, my share of the household admin (some things have ended up in my name, somethings in DH from when we bought the house pre-DD). Running any Errands. Admin for my BTL house.

CPD (studying which is a obligation of my professional role).

Gardening or DIY - gardening is my main hobby but I also do all the general upkeep, in the winter I try to do a bit of DIY during the week, mostly decorating as it would not make anyones life easier if I started using powertools (this is not where my talents lie!!) - this has only been since DD has been in school all day. I also garden in the evening in the summer because I love it.

On DDs day off I take her swimming (there are 300 kids on the waiting list for lessons in our area so I'm trying to teach her myself via youtube videos), and any SALT appointments she has are always scheduled on her day off school.

On Sunday when I work and DH is off work with DD, he does everything for DD, their meals, cleans the bathroom, one load of laundry, and looks after the dog.

This way in the evening we only need to do the dishes, get DD to bed, DH does the dishes, and I get DD to bed as she won't go to sleep for him if I'm in the house. At the weekend we keep the meals simple and don't do any house work, just have fun or relax.