‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

She wasn’t the one throwing a strop though was she!

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, exactly.

However, he should absolutely be sharing chores and child-related tasks at the weekend.

During the week, I do see it that you are at home so all the 'home' stuff should fall to you, to be honest.

The big question is about your communication - you need a plan for when you return to work, otherwise there may be a danger you will continue to all the house / child stuff as well as work.

You need to address the situation asap

But why do you do it all in the first place?

Then he's a dick

This does not bode well for your return to work.

This.
Actually this is why I couldnt be a SAHM, most of it is mumming your own DH.
Endless threads on here from women who are putting up with men who think you are there to parent them.
No thanks

@Kanaloa is you both work presumably your child is at nursery or school. Why do the nursery staff and teachers get paid to look after children if it is not a form of labour and just a nonstop lark? Just because ‘women’s work’ is not compensated and not appreciated by society doesn’t make in any more right or any less sexist. If she wasn’t looking after her child then someone else would be paid to. She may not be doing 50% or the earning but as he is not doing 50% of the childcare he can’t complain if asked to do 50% of the life admin like picking up something for dinner. As op said, at the moment he does even less than that!

He needs to get his thumb out his arse!

just countdown until September OP, it's just a few months away and then you will be back out at work and distracted and then all the hose stuff will have to be split more evenly - just make sure it is!

@BattenburgDonkey I normally do it on a weekday morning so we have free time at the weekend. Did it today to take Dd out and kill some time so he could rest as was sick exhausted, but let’s see now

*So exhausted

Definitely haven’t done it all today to be a martyr, more of an experiment really. As he clearly knows and saw how much I did today and what he didn’t…interested to see if he’ll do a similar thing tomorrow

I'm part time (15 hours per week) with a DD (4).

Realistically you should be able to do all house work, shopping, cooking, most admin, all DDs appointments, and all the childcare within the hours your DH is out of the house for work. You need to keep something in the freezer for situations like you had yesterday.

However, your DH shouldn't behave like a dick when you have been looking after his sick child all day.

@Cyw2018 I normally do all
that…and some! Weekends too it seems to me more and more
Dd wanted chocolate milk and something quite specific for dinner. She’s had a miserable time recently, it was a sad day, we hadn’t been able to get out, it was a small ask imo. I’m forever at the shops, even at weekends, if we all need to stop off to pick up extra bits, it’s always me running in to pick bits up, it’s easier, otherwise I get huffs and eye rolls if I sit and wait for him to do it, it’s a piss take!

Maybe because he didn't have a wife and child, he would pay a cleaner? I would. And I wouldn't be paying bills at 5.30 on a Friday afternoon.

I'm really surprised at the responses here.
Looking after a 3yo can be utterly draining, esp a poorly one. I worked PT but on my days off DH would always ask if I needed him to grab anything from the shops on the way home, he made dinner a couple of nights too and got up in the night occasionally if DC was having a bad night.

Yes you need to take over most of the household stuff if you're not working but surely you're a team. Some nights I was counting down the mins until he got home so someone could just take responsibility for 15 mins and I could have some time to stare into space.

You need to work out who is doing what when you go back to work as it sounds like he's expecting you to deal with it all

You need to keep something in the freezer for situations like you had yesterday

Why though? What's the big deal for someone to nip into the shop on their way back home and get a few bits? It's hardly a big ask.

But why wait til a Friday afternoon. And I'd have been really irritated to be asked "to quickly pay a bill". My husband used to do this. Could you just pop into ...... on your way home? As if it's no big ask. And it isn't really, but timing is everything.

During the week, I do see it that you are at home so all the 'home' stuff should fall to you, to be honest.

Surely that's just a general plan though, there should be room for compromise from that general agreement, if on a blue moon the working parent gets asked to pick up something for dinner then it shouldn't be a big deal at all 🤔

Your DH is being a twat. Really hope you can get him to pull his weight when you go back to work. I’ve just gone back and it’s so much easier then being at home and I work in a really intense role. But not as intense as little kids and drudgery 24/7

I think YABU, your husband is obviously tired from a physically demanding job and I'm presuming 'older' as you state you had a child late in life. I think he does enough and was probably exhausted after a week at work. He should not have snapped and just picked up an easy dinner. My husband is now 'older' and when he does physical jobs his body is knackered.

I did everything like you, all the shopping, cooking, clearing up, laundry, bills, household admin, appointments, pretty much everything with 4 young children. Yes, it's tiring, but one pre schooler should be easier than what I had to manage.

i think he’s an arse to be frank.

when I was on maternity leave, after a year I did very little when dc went to nursery and if I felt I didn’t want to do anything that day I didn’t. I used to send DH a text saying can’t be arsed today you sort dinner love you. And he would.

if DH came home from work and sat around whilst I was racing around like a blue arsed fly, our marriage wouldn’t last.

you need the same downtime as he gets, so in the evening if he’s sitting on his arse so do you. Otherwise you’re on the go from when you wake till you get into bed and that’s not on, when there’s a partner in the house who can share the load.

How many hospital appointments do you attend a week? And surely prescriptions are just picked up monthly/weekly.

You may be the exception to the rule but most people I know who stay at home aren't grafting nine hours a day with only 1-2 opportunities to have a cuppa.

Fuck me. The 1950s called and wants its thread back.

OP, in response to your earlier post, yes you should get a break. Both of you should get equal downtime. If he gets 5 hours of sitting on his ass doing sweet FA then you should too.

And the point about life admin is that he has nothing to think about outside work. He goes to work, he comes home and, goodness gracious me, looks after his own child occasionally. Everything else is done for him. The mental load of remembering the 9000 nursery dates/dress ups, juggling money between accounts, making sure uniform is clean, ordering next size in kids clothes, even decidding what is for dinner every bastard night and shopping, etc takes its toll. If 1 person has that in its entirety and the others biggest stress is what to watch then no, its not fair.

Thus his strop was ridiculous. You asked him to pick up something whilst he was already out rather than drag around a sick kid. He's being a tool. You are a stay at home MUM, thus there to look after child... not him.

@TruthHertz yeah? Who do you know.

I've just gone back to work after maternity with my 3rd and I can assure you that work is a lovely break!

Oh and not only do I drink more tea now, its also a lot fecking quieter when I do!

This thread is nuts.