‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

@Cyw2018 Ok 👍 I’m totally disorganised and *This is the reason I feel put upon and exhausted, nope I’m very organised.

@Soarewejustknackeredforevernow, I understand where you're coming from. It isn't primarily about whether the tally sheet of who does which domestic chores is evenly balanced. It's about the fact that you respect and consider his needs (e.g. you taking DD out for most of the day when he says he's exhausted), and he doesn't seem to reciprocate (e.g. him grumbling about picking up the slack when you've had a difficult day).

cool if it’s so easy and standard, OPs husband can do the 1% of their family life admin. And also we all have had to work a long day of work at some point- so why is OP’s husband “throwing that into the list of tasks”?! How come OP’s husband’s job is allowed to be demanding but looking after a sick toddler and dealing with 99% of the household chores and admin not so?

What a pointless, illogical point you’re making- I never understand why people say that. By your logic, we only get overwhelmed by tasks no one else in our locality has to do such as walking 20 miles to the stream to get water each morning? But then someone in a country where that is a reality could also make the same idiotic point as you about another person who finds the relentlessness of such a task difficult.

@BungleandGeorge She doesn’t go to pre school, we have to pay where we are so it’s very expensive. We are together 24/7, no parents to babysit, even if just for an hour or two etc

He's a selfish dick. At weekends and at any other times he's not working, he should be doing equal parenting.

So today he should be doing all housework and you should lie on the couch all day.

He's a selfish, thoughtless, lazy git. You and your dd deserve better.

You need to talk to him, set out expectations going forward. See what he says. Good luck.

By your own admission the bill has been unpaid for sometime, it didn't suddenly become urgent on Friday, that is disorganised.

I think you expected to come into MN and for everyone to instantly side with you and then you could let of steam about your DH, but this hasn't happened. You are not the first SAHM in the world and many parents don't have that luxury. You are not the first parent with a child with some additional needs and appointments. You are not the first parent to do it all without family support.

Maybe try reading back through the thread and picking out the advice on how to do your 'job' as a SAHM better and more efficiently. Rather than arguing with everyone trying to use they're own experience to help you.

So many women hate women. OP is looking after a child- providing childcare. Since when has that meant that every single household task also falls to her? I would maybe understand your point of OP’s child was in school but she’s home full time. When does OP get a break? Why when OP’s child is sick and she can’t get places as easily is it only OP that has been disorganised in arranging the bill payment?

Perhaps the answer is to build in some sort of paid childcare when you go back to work to give both of you a rest?

@LateAF Thank you so much, started to feel a little upset about some attitudes here 💐

@Cyw2018 Its probably the first time I’ve dropped the ball in a long time, one thing as my mind is preoccupied with Dd, also partly financial. But of course, I can’t drop the ball, all of this evidently does fall on me 🤷🏻‍♀️

She isnt providing childcare, she’s taking care of her own child. He does do some washing up, she clearly doesn’t ask him to do more. OP gets a ‘break’ on weekends when they take turns to have a lie in, could probably have more if she actually communicated with her DH. She is the one who takes charge of the admin, so why would he no to pay the bill? She’s choosing not to ask her DH for what she needs because she wants him to think of it himself, but they are both responsible for different things. It’s not women hating women, it’s women giving honest opinions rather than just bashing all men always.

Sometimes when I read these threads, I think I
married to a saint.

But then, I realise that he’s just being an adult. Yes, he works (a lot) but outside that he’s also half responsible for a home and three children and christ, he does more than his fair share at times even though I am at home. He does so much for us all.

I’m going to make him a fucking massive lasagna this afternoon though, to show him he’s appreciated.

@BungleandGeorge Yes, definitely think when I’m back at work we can pay a babysitter once per week and finally get a break and some of our old life back

It’s not about hating women but about being honest. The intensity of looking after a 3 year old at home is not the same as going to work. On most days there’s plenty of time to socialise or do some chores etc. On difficult days like OP had then yes partner should step in and help. I imagine it may be a bit annoying being asked to pay a bill when you’re already half way home and it’s been left for weeks. These things happen sometimes though

Time for a conversation with him- if things dont change i would suggest you go back to work and pay for childcare. Then you can agree who will be doing what in the house as the SAHM isnt working for you both

I don't 'hate' women. I struggle with useless women who create a bad name for other women.

I'm only a year on from OP position, I have no family support, my DD has some additional needs.

OP DD was ill on Friday, she clearly isn't ill all the time as she has been out and about all weekend. The Bill that is the cause of this row had been outstanding long before OP DD became ill on Friday. OP DH is allowed to feel pissed off about it, even though he is a man. OP should learn from this, and chalk it down to experience, this was her mismanagement on this occasion. That doesn't mean I think her DH is an angel, but OP needs to take some responsibility.

I’ll be honest children are exhausting, whether you’re the working parent or the stay at home one. You’re both exhausted, it will be well worth the money

I think then, maybe it’s me, perhaps I’m just better suited to going out to work and not being at home.
I remember a life where I had my hair done nicely, showered & make up each day, drank coffee in peace, even enjoyed my drive to work with my music on. I had a laugh and decent conversations with colleagues, I could think, I felt more relaxed

I’d probably give more to Dd too as by the time I get home, we’d only have an hour or two together, then bedtime.
I feel awful saying that as I have loved it in lots of ways but I don’t want all *This all the time now

@Cyw2018 i agree she’s being a martyr by not talking to her DH but she’s certainly not useless because she didn’t pay 1 bill efficiently, she’s human, as is her husband. Her child is loved and cared for and has everything they need. OP and her husband just arnt on the same page at the minute, nobody here is ‘useless’

Why aren't you showering or drinking tea?

Give your DD a tablet or phone to play on for 10 minutes. Anyone who criticises you for it clearly has substantial family support, which you or I don't.

Don’t feel awful! 3 year olds are hard work, and living for other people without having your own thing is hard. Hopefully once you are back at work your DH will be forced to step up more with housework. There is nothing wrong or failing about working rather than being a SAHM, you don’t have to love every second of being home to be a great parent.

You're right, 'useless' was the wrong word to use 'Martyr' is much more a appropriate.

It’s not just you- I found working a stressful high responsibility, long hours job easier than staying home full time with under 5s. But obviously a lot less rewarding.

I appreciate it’s a physical job but 8:30-5 and weekends off with someone else doing everything for you is a sweet deal. Not sure why he’s so exhausted.

To be honest it sounds like you don’t like being a sahm. No shame in that. It doesn’t suit everyone.

But with one preschooler why aren’t you able to shower and wear makeup or have a cup of coffee? Obviously I don’t think you should have to wear makeup but I mean because you’ve listed it as something you don’t/can’t do that you used to enjoy? By age three (and older three too as she starts school shortly) most children can be told to play for ten minutes while mum has a shower, or can be told it’s now quiet time so please sit and draw for a bit while mum has a drink. She’s not a little baby anymore - the ‘have to dedicate every second to the baby can’t even have a shower or a drink’ type of thing never really lasted for me once mine were past a few months old. Even as babies I would stick them in the playpen or bouncer while I had a shower. You get nothing for martyring yourself.