‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

I can see his point. He may have reacted badly - hey, he’s human - but I “work all week” too and my husband is a SAH person. By Friday afternoon I’m done. I just want to finish work and start my weekend. If I got a last-minute text asking me to run two errands afterwards I’d be pissed off. A bill that really had to be paid on Friday night? Couldn’t wait till Saturday or Monday? Nothing at all in the house to eat? Really?

@Muststopeating Thank you! Yes, that’s exactly it, the mental load, the just never being able to switch off, the taking the responsibility for it all

@BritWifeInUSA I explained above about my Dd being ill, miserable and just fed up recently. She asked for chocolate milk, I have to get 8 sachets a day of medicine into 8 drinks. I’ve been mixing it in smoothies, juices, chocolate milk, anything I can to mix it up and make the situation nicer for her. She asked for chocolate milk and a picky bits dinner. She’d been with stomach ache all day, crying and terrible behaviour (hitting me and throwing things) not her fault at all, but bloody draining and stressful.
It wasn’t a big ask, he was home by 6pm, then had the night to himself as I was taking her up to bed at 7.

Oh and also, he went to his friends later for two hours, so obviously not *That exhausted. All I can ever find the effort for is lying on the sofa watching tv or on my phone

@BritWifeInUSA It was an internet bill, yes it had to be paid that day or the internet would be cut off. I’ve missed two dates recently with sorting out dates and payments, which I’m usually so on top of. Is it too much to ask your partner to shoulder a teeny bit of that responsibility for once

@floridapalmtree He’s 43! It isn’t too old, surely he shouldn’t be this knackered already

@TruthHertz At present, around 3 appointments per week and picking up medicines 1-2 times per week. It’s fine, it’s all fine…UNTIL it’s on weekends too and until it’s a long, crappy, hard, stressful day for me too and I ask one thing and this is the reaction

@BritWifeInUSA

Yes it's alright for you to park your arse on the sofa when you finish work, but God forbid the sahm mum who's been looking after sick dc and doing household chores etc all day doesn't cook your meal for you as well.
Especially when they also look after dc mostly on weekends, when it should be 5050.

I think the point is, it's not much to ask to pick up something quick to eat from the shop as a one off is it.

@TruthHertz At the moment, there’s one cup of tea in the morning, hastily drank, until my Dd puts her breakfast down and comes to cuddle me as her tummy’s hurting. That’s the best side of it, the other is running and jumping on tbe sofa, or me or the dog or screaming or throwing things because of it. The day is spent trying to pass time until bedtime, no relaxing at the moment

You would be better off single.

I think in the normal way of things, the balance is skewed in your favour. DD is 4? So not a baby or toddler requiring every minute of your day. Cleaning, housework, cooking, shopping etc and looking after a 4 year do not take up a full work day, or equate to full time manual work. I've done it myself and in all honesty, at that age, there are a lot of opportunities during the day for downtime for the parent. However, the fact that she was unwell changes things. Looking after a sick child is very draining and he was wrong to complain.

@5128gap She’s 3. She’s a very intense, energetic child, so has always been pretty hard work, but yes, some lovely days along with it all before she was ill. For the past few months, well since Xmas, there is no time out/time alone, she won’t play alone, won’t really play
It’s really not easy.

This. Yanbu. Your dd was ill and you asked him to do something that you would usually do. My dh works in a senior, mentally exhausting job and then has a long commute home. Every day before he leaves work he texts to ask if we need anything on the way. I can't imagine him behaving the way your dh does.

No. I understand. Its very different and relentless when they're ill.

Can you get away for a weekend and leave him in charge. It sounds like you need a rest and if looking after your chikd is easier than work it will still be a rest for him too.

if You’re at home all day of course you do the cooking and “life admin”

Children bless them are just as exhausting as a physical job! His hours are so reasonable. I try and understand my OH and take care of most things like you as he has a very physically demanding job and extra long hours. So i appreciate that he’s supporting us and try to take all pressure off him. However, if DD was sick (she’s 3) he tells me don’t worry about me if shes sick just focus on her. Your DH was out of order imo. My dad was the same with us and my dad done extra long hours and physical jobs but said to mum if they aren’t okay don’t worry about dinner I will sort it. You sound exhausted. My response if Dh is out of order is to go on dinner strike 😬he soon learns his lesson!

@Northernparent68 Please read all the posts, it’s not just that.

@donchafeellikecrying I suggest you call a few agencies to find out how much it would cost OP’s husband to pay for his child to be cared for 24/7, all meals cooked, all household tasks done at market rate for house keeper, childminder. It is work and you’re a moron if you don’t see that!

People also get paid to clean but I don’t get a wage for mopping my kitchen. I’ve worked in childcare for years and a full days work at a nursery is nothing like looking after your own single child in your home on your own time.

As I said, it sounds like an unhappy situation. In that case both parents should work and split all tasks 50-50.

The mental load of remembering the 9000 nursery dates/dress ups, juggling money between accounts, making sure uniform is clean, ordering next size in kids clothes, even decidding what is for dinner every bastard night and shopping, etc takes its toll.

Just regular normal stuff really. Ordering next size in children’s clothing and writing down when the next dress up day at nursery is is hardly equivelant to full time work. I say this having done both. I think if you feel like it’s such a drudge and so difficult being a sahm isn’t for you.

I'm sorry to say this but when you go back to work you'll be expected to do everything you do now on top of working;he's not about to start pulling his weight when your working too;he's stuck in his ways.

It'll go from "I can't be expected to pull my weight because I work"
to "I can't be expected to pull my weight because my job is harder than yours/my job is more important/I work more hours or you get school holidays off".

So if you died he couldn't have Dc?

Your DC had an upset tummy. In that case it clearly makes sense for your dh to go to the shops to get the bits you need / pay the bill rather than you with your dd in tow. Honestly if you started a thread suggesting you took a poorly kid to a shop then posters would come down on you like a ton of bricks. Suggest a man might stop off at the shops instead and it's like you asked for the world!

Do you have to go back full time? Teaching is such a full on job requiring lots of out of hours working and fixed holidays so no flexibility to go to your child’s assemblies, harvest festivals, nativities etc. I know a lot of people have to do it but I wouldn’t if I had a choice. Just a thought as you’ve managed without a wage so far. Could you do part time?

All these people saying childcare for under 4s is so much easier than work are either really phoning in their parenting or they have very placid children.