‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

I've just gone back to work after maternity with my 3rd and I can assure you that work is a lovely break!

Oh and not only do I drink more tea now, its also a lot fecking quieter when I do!"

I'm assuming you have an office job where you sit on your arse most of day, unlike OPs husband.

Children bless them are just as exhausting as a physical job! His hours are so reasonable.

Sorry, but this is just not true in 99% of cases. I spend most of my day on construction sites and I can assure you that looking after children is not as exhausting as digging trenches all day or hitting things with a sledgehammer - I'm tired just watching those guys. Very few women actually do genuinely hard manual labour and know what it's like.

This really used to annoy me- I returned to work and DH had to step up and take a load - he now does all the washing, both bathrooms, cooks tea or washes up - did his fair share of baths and stories when younger. Also cuts the lawn and does some DIY at weekends, runs the kids to places and is in charge of the bigger gifts, shops for his family at Christmas as well.

Honestly they are capable.

At the moment he gets full service and a full lunch break, nice drive home and out with friends. He’s in for a shock when you go back to work.

Just my experience. Caring for my own child in my home where I could set my schedule and do what I liked was 100 times easier than caring for twenty kids plus cleaning, safety procedures, paperwork, dealing with parents etc etc. I honestly think people saying it’s as hard as a full time job maybe have ‘easier’ or less full on full time jobs, because how can looking after one child in the comfort of my home be harder work than looking after several in another environment?

But obviously if you have an office job or whatever it might feel less exhausting than caring for a child. But for the majority of people I know they work in trades/childcare/retail. Exhausting and relentless work, and sitting on the couch with a cuppa deciding whether to take my kids to the park or the playgroup didn’t really compare for difficulty.

@Eastlyne

Or they have really hard jobs?

Set aside some time to get all bills onlt direct debit.

I've never "paid a bill" for decades.

Of course you have to remember, everyone on the first 3 and a bit pages, was answering about life generally, with 1 x 3 yr old at home.

Adding a load of information on P4 of a thread rather makes the first 3 pages redundant.
Obviously if you are attending 3 hospital appts a week, that isn't the typical situation that most people responded to, from your opening post.

He’d have had his last meal waiting for him for some time. Tell him he’s cooking for himself as a lead up to the plan on how he plans to share the load when you’re back working.
im in bed feeding the baby. Dh is getting the older 2 up, dressed and breakfasted.

You are both unreasonable. Guessing the sachets are movicol or similar. One preschooler isn’t that difficult and the laundry/bills/uniform/lawn/gifts for assorted relatives need doing regardless of if you’re out ar work or not. Im knackered after a week at work and just want to collapse with an easy dinner-
so I make sure everything else is done and that the easy dinner is in the fridge waiting. Obviously I make sure the kids are fed, clean and in bed before I flop lbut I’d be cross if dh asked me to pay a bill on the way home and if he’d been at home all day I’d expect him to have done the laundry, dinner, cleaning etc.

The trouble with such discussions on forums is they are only one side of the three truths (his, hers and actual). AND.. there is always a resolution.. more on that later.
If both sides realise and consider the angst, stress and exhaustion is neither sides fault but is MUTUAL in different ways... also this is temporary WILL PASS, the less chance they have of getting uptight leading on to the next accusation/argument. It's not easy.. no part of parentnig is. But do not forget, turning on your partner is the easiest option. We're, as partners, just venting. Don't take and see everything your partner does as a personal vendetta. Don't bad mouth them to friends. it's ONLY TEMPORARY. Don't ruin your childs future or alienate the other parent. IT'S TEMPORARY for you and partner.. but LIFELONG for littlun. x

Looking after a child IS full time work. You wouldn’t expect a childminder, nanny or nursery to be doing all those extra things while you paid them to look after your child.

there is no reason why all the ‘normal’ tasks involved in running a home shouldn’t be split between both parents.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Everyone’s circumstances are different…most bills paid online, this one couldn’t be.

@MummyGummy

What do you think households with 2 working parents do?

Beat advice is to go to couples counselling to establish your expectations etc. Everyone has different expectations of a partner and roles in a relationship. It's about being on the same page so no one is left feeling short changed.

@CatLadyDrinksGin Congratulations, you obviously have it altogether.

I had done all those things and do every day, including the weekends, which isn’t fair.

My Dd asked for a specific drink and dinner, the plan was to get to the shop and also pay the bill. She wasn’t in a fit state to go out. I text Dh, it was on his way home, literally 20 minutes out of his day to get his child’s dinner and drink for her medicine.

@Kite22 Fair enough. I still think it’s ridiculous to be so angry about stopping to pick up dinner and nip into a shop to pay a bill on the journey home,

I think you need to point out to him that either it's easy to be at home i which case it shouldn't be much trouble at all for him to do more - or it's hard work in which case you need him to step up!

If he didn't deal with life admin he wouldn't exist beyond a humanoid puddle. If he's going out to work and has managed to have relationships be it romantic or otherwise, guess what he's doing life admin. To be honest when you're at home, poorly child or not and he's out working full time, yes you should be doing the lions share of the house stuff, he provides financially, you contribute with keeping the home. If he stopped doing what he did, youd have no house, if you stopped doing what you did, he'd have to make his own dinner....

I actually think the split between you in general sounds fairly reasonable. But he was incredibly unreasonable to get in a strop about paying a bill and picking up some dinner when your toddler was ill. That’s the kind of situation where parents should be a team.

We're similar age parents with one child. One child can be as hard or harder than multiples so didn't like the comments undermining that. Being abroad may also mean less support if any by family, etc. Everybody's circumstances, parenting styles, kids' needs, cleaning standards, admin/ chore lists are different and I wouldn't be quick to comment I've done more and I managed fine.
Yes, he was unreasonable. Just because he goes to work doesn't mean he must not be asked for help when you need help.
Sadly, as proven by some of the comments it's a society/ culture issue.
Hopefully, things are changing in the right direction.

IMO you're both working during working and commuting hours. Outside those hours, at evening and weekends, domestic and childcare responsibilities should be split equally.

Some things are more sensibly done by one or other of you, for example, night-waking by the person (if there is one) who gets a chance to relax during the day, not by one who is operating heavy machinery etc. But the other one can balance that out by habitually going to bed and getting up earlier, so covering the early morning waking and getting-up time, to give the parent who may have been up in the night a guaranteed period of 'catch-up' sleep.

I am certain he'd be astounded at how much you actually do (and needs doing) if you wrote it all down with timings, or handed it all over to him.

I am equally certain that he would vehemently reject the idea that he should actually do half of it. Suddenly it would become ever so difficult, tiring and challenging.

Not when you do it all though.

And that, as we all know but many of us find it uncomfortable to acknowledge, is because of sexism.

Sexism that is deeply ingrained in both men and women. Sexism that says the domestic sphere is women's natural place, that they find domestic work and childcare easier than men do and, even if they don't, they should be doing most of it because that is their lot in life. Sexism that says men can go to work, then relax, in their own time while 'women's work is never done' and women are always on call for their family. Sexism that says grown men are perpetual babies who need to be mothered; by their mother well into adulthood, then their wife. Sexism that also says that men are better than women, the things they can be bothered to do are more important, and that men deserve to be served by women. That men are people, while women are universal support beings.

I think that'll be your real problem.

I'm sorry, but its really not. Childminders and nurseries look after a number of children. I don't know of any that require a staff ratio of one on one. And how could people cope with two or three children if the care of one took their full time?
The OP has extenuating circumstances at present so her situation is different, as is that of parents of children with additional needs, obviously. But to suggest in general one 4 year old child is a full time job is either hugely over egging the pudding, or should really be attempting to encourage greater independence, as their child will have a huge shock when starting school.

Again, totally different situation. I’ve worked in childcare. It’s absolutely nothing like being at home with your own child. And just for the record, they might not have the strenuous task of ordering the next size clothes, but nursery staff have plenty of tasks other than just looking after the children.

I actually have. Worked on building sites when I was in my early 20s. Did scaffolding, brickwork, general labouring etc. It was physically tiring but not mentally so and plenty of breaks. The day was relatively short. Looking after small children is physically less tiring but mentally draining. A real drudge. I'd much rather be on the building site! And even when I was I still had to cook my tea etc when I got home.

The question here was really is it unreasonable to ask for help when you are struggling and if the request for help was unreasonable is being stroppy and angry they way to deal with it.

It doesnt really matter if scaffolding is harder physically than looking after a poorly 4 year old, or office work is a break or childminding has lots of tasks. Its a marriage not an employment contract. They are supposed to love and support each other. Sometimes that means doing more than your share because the other person is struggling or just fucked up that day.