‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

There’s a real race to the bottom vibe here from pp

op is caring for a sick child and on one occasion asked the child’s father to do two tasks on his way home, that took 20mins from his evening
an evening that is otherwise free because op has cooked his dinner and done all the housework and will do the majority of the childcare

yes the SAHP should do more, but that doesn’t mean if they ask for help - ever, but particularly when DC are ill- that they deserve to be responded to in anger.
and it doesn’t mean that the SAHP should do absolutely everything.

You only have one child, aged 3. I would expect you to do pretty much all the chores

He was BU to complain about being asked to pay one bill and pick up some food

I wonder if your frustration stems from not really wanting to be a SAHM

Working and having a child is nothing like work pre-children. It’s not my experience that you arrive back from work ready to give them your best! And you have homework/ activities etc. I would agree at 3 she should be able to allow you to have a shower/ do your hair etc. You may have to cope with inane chatter at the same time! When the long post lunch nap was dropped we still had ‘quiet time’ listening to audiobooks or watching telly. Tbh at 3 one still sometimes had a nap. Gives you a chance to get some bits done. You can’t be superwoman, I think she’ll have to get used to having some time to amuse herself. Inevitably when she goes to school and you’re working you will have less time available

It's a shame to see so much misogyny on a site for mothers.

OP, of course you should be doing the majority of household tasks and childcare when you're not going out to work, but you've acknowledged that I don't know how many times. Expecting your DH to do 5% of this is not unreasonable at all.

When I started on MN, I read a thread about a woman complaining that her H refused to do anything in the house, even to take his dinner plate into the kitchen, and still women defended him.

I don't think there's any solution to this. As a PP stated, even when you do go back to work, his job will be harder/longer hours/generally more manly, so he won't be doing even 70/30 then. And they say people get divorced too easily...

Technically she didn’t cook his dinner, she asked him to pick it up in his way home and there was a 50% chance he was doing bath and bedtime that evening..

@BungleandGeorge fair enough. You’re right. She deserved it then. One night with no dinner purchased whilst his DC is sick. And expected to put his own dc to bed a few nights a week. How else is he meant to respond. Obviously he’s really angry. Makes sense now.

She doesn't deserve "it", whatever "'it" is. But the fact that OP was disorganised and this annoyed her DH does not warrant a 100+ post thread on MN where OP argues against anyone who isn't 100% sympathetic of her.

@Shedcity perhaps he shares your liking for hyperbole and has catastophised himself into a bad mood?

I’m a *Useless woman? Wow.

I corrected that...
You're a Martyr.

@Shedcity 💯 Not many women supporting women here, really surprised and quite saddened

@Cyw2018 Ohhh that’s ok then 👍one giving other women a bad name though and an unorganised, rubbish one essentially.

Women are supporting you, you've had loads of good advice on time management, relationship issues (talking to your DH) and about how to manage the transition back to work. Which you've chosen to argue back against, or ignore and not discuss further.

Supporting and unquestionably agreeing with you are not always the same things.

Oh, read the bloody thread!

Slightly more to it than that

@Cyw2018 Lots of helpful and constructive advice from many, yes.

Being called a useless, disorganised (I’m not) woman, who gives other women a bad name…not so much!

I think when these sort of arguments start it's often a sign of deep resentment on the part of the working parent.
Carrying the entire financial burden for a family that includes another capable adult, rarely comes without the expectation that doing so buys you an easier life.
Where the working person is reluctant to do as much as the non working parent wants, it's usually a sign they don't feel they're getting enough bang for their buck.
People can argue all they please about the difficulties of being a SAHP, but it's all pretty irrelevant as they are not financially supporting the OP, and the person who is has basically laid out their terms.
When these problems start your only options if you want the relationship ti continue are to comply with the terms or get a job.

@Soarewejustknackeredforevernow Do you like your husband? He doesn't seem very nice...

Hang on. When you're a family then other things have to be taken into account, don't they?
Or doesn't caring for their child count? (and it's not like the OP isn't going back to work)

@Nanny0gg I’m not that sure anymore tbh…I have a lot of resentment from when she was teeny and I did every single wake up etc, I remember crying and saying I needed a break, I’ll never forget that.

Well you may think so and I may think so, but we're not the person with the financial power are we? As unpalatable as it may be, when another person is keeping you, your options can be pretty limited. If the OPs husband refuses to do more, she has no way of forcing him, even if the whole of MN were behind her. Her choices therefore are basically to accept it or become financially independent, either with or without him.

You keep insisting that you aren't disorganised, yet this Fridays argument with your DH and therefore this thread stems from exactly that, and the other descriptions of your life you've given don't support the statement either. Your DD is 3 and you're not able to drink a cup of coffee and have a shower, I and many (not all) women have that figured out by the end of their DH paternity leave.

The way you describe your situation isn't as organised and together as you think it is, so maybe it is time to start listening to some of the advice given and implementing it. You may find life a how lot easier and enjoyable as a result.

For starters buy a Thermos mug and some instant coffee.

I am a single mother, and after my working day, driving the kids home from childcare, when knackered, I have stopped off at the shop to buy takeaway/an easy dinner, then cleaned up/done homework/caught up on emails/put them to bed.

Because sometimes, even when you're knackered, there is stuff to do.

Pay a bill, and pick up something easy for dinner. Max 20 minutes, not a big ask. Even if he was cross about it because of other things, he should have realised and apologised later. This doesn't sound like team work, or supporting one another.

@SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am You’re right.

@Cyw2018 I’ve said numerous times the reason for the one bill not paid by me and that I’m not disorganised, I’m not, I keep every single thing together in this house. If you have no compassion, please stop offering your *Advice, because it really isn’t advice, it’s just knocking me down, with a few insults thrown in. Enjoy your day.

The problem you have is your DH seems to think he is the 'man' and brings in the money and your now just a replacement mother. He isnt respectful, you say he offered no support during the early stages when you were sleep deprived.He offers nothing now even though you asked when you had a sick child at home. He threw a tantrum as your expected to do everything no matter what. My DH was like this which is why i refused to be a SAHM, he then tried to get me to do more in the home as he earned more, Men truly think we are just here to clean up after them and worship them for bringing in the money. I ended up getting a cleaner and stopped the arguments. You dont have an issue with being a SAHM the issue your DH equates that to doing nothing apart from earning the money.

I should add that in many places a montly nursery cost is the same as a full time workers wage which is why sometimes families choose to have one parent staying at home, So it isnt about one person carrying the financial burden they both are as the choices benefit the family

Well, if we say that most people spend about 1.5 hours in the gym, he's effectively doing five and a half gym sessions every day if his work involves constant lifting and hammering etc.

Five gym sessions every day would exhaust most people for sure.