‘But I go to work all day…!’

[Soarewejustknackeredforevernow]

Constantly mentioned by Dh.

I’m currently a Sahm, worked since I was 15, degree etc, worked full time for 17 years, plus weekends too. Had Dd, 3, later in life due to infertility. I worked part time after maternity leave, but was made redundant shortly afterwards. Luckily we can just about manage on one wage, cut back in lots of areas etc.
Dd starts school in September and I’ll return to teaching.
Dh works Mon-Fri-8.30-5, no weekends. It’s a physical job and he’s often tired.
Aside from alternating doing DD’s bedtime every night and him washing up a few times a week, I do everything else. I cook every meal (weekends included) do all food shopping, all cleaning, sort and pay all bills, do all life admin, do all Dds medicines and appointments (currently quite ill with tummy troubles)
He does one get up/breakfast for Dd at the weekend, aside from this he gets up, gets himself coffee (leaves the cup out) gets himself ready for work and goes. He then gets home at 5.30, has dinner ready, plays with Dd for a bit (sometimes) then either him or I do bedtime.
On Friday, I was home all day with Dd as her behaviour with her tummy pains was really bad, I texted him to ask could he quickly lay a bill on the way home and pick up an easy dinner.
He came home so angrily, threw the bag down saying how exhausted he was etc and saying he goes to work all day.
Not spoken to him since as feel he’s so out of order

AIbu?

@donchafeellikecrying Dunno, my job was long hours (in terms of marking and reports and planning in the evenings and weekends) I was often home after getting food etc around 7, then would cook and sit down finally around 8/9, but I was never as tired/overwhelmed as I can be now. I guess we’re all different, I’ve enjoyed aspects of being at home and am very grateful for having had the chance to be with Dd, but it hasn’t been easy, it feels like a 24/7 job with no break or quiet time (to be alone, go to the loo etc)

I'd have told him to cook the dinner too. Poorly toddler all day is hard going to then try and get out the house with them.

He's out of order for throwing a strop - well within your rights to ask your husband to do a couple of things you couldn't go out and do due to caring for his poorly child. I'm on Mat leave, we carried on as though I was at work because no way was I letting the older kids and DH get into the habit of thinking I would do everything as that would continue when I go back. If it's done when he gets home, bonus, otherwise it's muck in pal.

We’d usually argue about it, but I’ve said nothing this time.
I got up and did DD’s breakfast, I took her out food shopping so he could stay at home. Took her to the chemist, the playground, for lunch etc. Got home and he’d had 5 hours alone, lying on the sofa watching tv. I unpacked the shopping, made dinner, washed up, did the washing, hung it out to dry, did DD’s bath and hair and so on. It’s his night doing bedtime tonight. I’ve deliberately done all that today to see how tomorrow is, to see if I get a lie in and he does breakfast (he probably will) but will he take her out so I can have a bit of time, will he make dinner and clean it up..,unlikely!

That's why I asked whether his reaction when something like this happens is always to get angry and moan about it? Or was this the first time ever he reacted like this?

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I can sense a deeper annoyance at him, maybe because he never does more than his 'set' responsibilities and gets easily annoyed when you ask for something extra? That's not okay, I'm with you on that.

Why weren't you sharing the house chores and admin 50/50 when you were both working? Has he just gotten used to having everything done for him and is now complaining when he needs to pick up the slack occasionally?

If so, you've got bigger problems than not talking to him for a weekend. What can kind of example is he setting for your daughter?

I’ll be honest, I think sometimes on mumsnet people make small and easy jobs seem like huge tasks. ‘I do all the medicines for dd.’ Well yes, you’re the one at home. And surely her having tummy troubles doesn’t take up all your day every day?

I think if you’re intending on being a stay at home parent and not working then you need to accept that ‘life admin’ (another stupid phrase I think is so daft when people painstakingly list buying birthday gifts and paying bills like they’re a daily 9-5) will mainly fall to you. Personally paying bills isn’t really a chore for us - they’re all paid direct debit or it takes 2 mins to go on the app and transfer. In your case maybe it would be better to go to work and split home life 50-50 to curb resentment.

Life admin is something EVERYONE has to deal with, be it household or personal, I feckin hate when people throw that into their list of tasks, it's a standard part of living life otherwise you just wouldn't. YABU, after a long day working a demanding job having a last minute thing thrown on top does wind you up, OK the toddler-esque tantrum was a bit ott but it sounds like a one off. It isn't unreasonable for you to do all the cooking and cleaning when you're at home all day

Ok, your latest post suggests this is 'usual' for him. Stop putting up with this crap. Stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, organising his stuff, if he can't even give you a break every now and then.

What was he like before you stayed home with DD? What is the plan for when both of you are back to work full time?

There’s definitely this unspoken feeling/vibe I get that I’m lucky to be at home all day and all I do means fuck all it seems.
I know that I no doubt will be expected to be doing this and working full
time too when I go back-I can just see it now

Could you not do the shopping on a week day (when shops are also quieter) then you can either spend weekends together or have more time for yourself on a weekend? Did he ask you to go out without him?

YANBU! What did he want you to do drag your sick child out to pay a bill and get dinner? I hate this ‘I work full time BS.’ People do work full time, clean a house, shop, cook dinner etc!

If all he has to do is go to work and come home to nothing then his living the life oh a school child + 2 extra hours 🙄& he moans? Twat!

As for stuff like this - speak. I can’t abide by people who martyr themselves doing everything and resentfully watching someone not doing what they want them to do. I would just say to my DH ‘by the way what’s the plan for the weekend? You’re going out on Saturday morning? Cool, well I’ll have the Sunday afternoon, think I’ll go to xyz.’ To be fair we don’t get the chance as we have four but I wouldn’t just slink about silently martyring myself when I wanted help. I’d just say ‘DH I’ve got the shopping, you can put it away and do lunch while I sort xyz.’

Why would you be expected to do all of that? Does he think this is the 1950's? Didn't you talk about it before having a child?

He needs to step up and start behaving like an adult and a parent, or you need to move out and live an easier life where you don't cook and clean and argue with two children, one of which is a full-sized adult man.

This won't solve the problem.

You've taken it upon yourself to do this hoping he'll do the same tomorrow.

Why not discuss the issue - how you feel, how he feels and come up with a plan.

I see it so much on mumsnet. Listing things like ‘getting birthday cards’ like that’s a big huge thing that they need to do. Or painstakingly listing out aspects of a job to make it sound a huge undertaking.

collect all dirty clothes
separate clothes into colours darks and whites
open washing machine
select correct machine cycle
transport clothes from basket to machine using hands
lift detergent bottle down and add to machine
press button

While all the rest of us just put a washing on and it takes about two seconds.

OP's DD is quite ill at the moment, has hospital appointments and medications - I'd presume it's a bit more than a dicky tummy. I have two disabled DC and caring takes up a lot of time. "Doing medicines" can involve ordering prescriptions/repeat prescriptions, collecting them, mixing up the doses (DS has one medicine has to be measured out and mixed), recording somewhere what's been given and when, and all that before even giving them the medicine. "Appointments" can involve filling in various forms - DS last OT appointment required me to complete a 12 page assessment form beforehand and video him doing various tasks - travelling, waiting around, dealing with worried child, travelling back again, and so on. My other DC has hospital appointments that can last almost an entire day. You wouldn't think it's exhausting sitting in a hospital with a small child but it is.

@Bintymcbintface Yes it is something everyone has to deal with, but he doesn’t! Doesn’t deal with any of it.

Yes, I do do all cooking and cleaning, but every night and weekends too?! Really, so I get no break, no headspace, I’m expected to be a slave 24/7, when he clocks in at 8.30 and out at 5…and that’s more or less it? Seriously?
I would love a life where I just went to work, came home, dinner was ready, washing up done, same at weekends, if I rarely had to go shopping, never sorted bills or stressy
things for our Dd, had all my washing done for me…

I feel your pain. I'm on maternity leave now but before I worked 30 hours over 4 days and still literally did everything at home and for our children. Literally everything as well!! I was expected to do it all because he worked
"More hours". We fell out most weeks over it as I was exhausted and pregnant.

I have a disabled child. His dad and I both work. Yes we need to attend appointments and fill out forms. That’s parenting. And let’s be honest, picking up prescriptions and ‘mixing them’ is hardly strenuous work. It’s just part of life. Lots of us do it.

Not all disabilities are the same and it can take over an hour to get the medication ready and then into said child. Then there's dealing with the side effects of that medication (also requiring medication) and providing the care that goes alongside.

Lots do it but let's not pretend it's all the same or that it's the work of moments.

This.

I've been at home with 3 small dc, and I would still expect to crack on with a much higher % of the stuff around the home.

Obviously you need to reassign who does what when you go back to work, but whilst you are at home, with only one 3 yr old, then the parent at home would be expected to do most of the "stuff"

Several women on this thread saying 'I had to do it all too'. Why? Why do we still put up with this? Why can't women stand up and say no, I refuse to be your handmaid, we both need to share responsibilities equally? Because it doesn't sound like they're happily doing of all these chores. Speak up! Don't put up with this crap anymore if that's not what you want.

Some thickos on here tonight. OP has listed everything she does to demonstrate the contrast. She basically has 20 responsibilities before and after work whereas he has 2. It's unfair.

OP, you need to spell it out to him that you're not his bloody house elf. You're an equal partner in the relationship/household and while he is at work you will take care of DD, the house, etc (with DD being the priority) but that once he is finished work, so are you, and all tasks need to be 50/50 during that time.

Obviously I retract my statement if op is spending hours every day mixing medicines and queuing at the chemists. For most parents this is not the case. If her daughter has some serious disability then of course she is caring for her. From her posts I did not get this impression and took it more as the typical stomach issues ie allergies or similar, that some children get. If the child had a disability I’m sure her husband would be understanding that the hours she spends doing medicines will make it difficult for her to do other tasks.

Somewhat rude to assume someone is "a thicko" just because they hold a different opinion from you.

However, I haven't seen any post showing 20 responsibilities before and after work.
OP and her dh share weekend get ups. Both play with her and put her to bed. Both wash up.
OP is at home all day, with only one 3 yr old. Her dh is out at work between 8am and 5.30.