Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

[hellomeownow]

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

Someone brought a ten day old to a friend's wedding - he was amazed to see them but had made very very clear it was up to them on the day. They only came to the church and then the meal. Trouble is, even if things are going relatively smoothly and you say ok to going you then end up with an awful night the night before, or some unexpected hitch with the baby.

Is £55 per head a normal cost for a sit down meal type wedding? I've only been to two like this and the food was nothing to write home about at either. I'd have 'valued' it at about £20 per head plus wine if estimating the costs! Most of the weddings I've been to have been church hall buffets either catered or food provided by friends/relatives - amazing food, no seating plans, so a few more or less made no difference. Ours was an afternoon tea wedding and cost £10 per head for two courses.

OP, here’s a kinder view of what may have happened.

They planned to go to the wedding. Baby arrived, focus on baby. Lovely pics of walks and restaurants online - but behind the pictures baby is actually more challenging.

Your text arrives. Text recipient (husband maybe?) says to wife “hey so it’s OP’s wedding in three days” and wife replied “oh god, I know we said yes but I can’t face it, I feel exhausted, my clothes don’t fit snd my boobs constantly leak”. And husband says “no worries, OP said all would be fine if we didn’t come, I’ll let her know.”

Yes it was rude!
I had worse ( I think) his Auntie ( who was invited along with his uncle) brought 3 of her not invited children (DH had never met them) and 2 of their friends! WTAF!
it was a sit down full on meal too 😡😡😡

Its not great but it’s hardly the end of the world. Unless you’re Bridezilla.

I have children ( and I did take a small baby to a wedding but she was my second)

The guests were very rude not to let them know that they weren't attending.

If they'd known, the OP could either have cancelled the food thereby saving money or invited someone else (not everyone objects to last minute invitations)

So they were rude and the OP is hardly a bridezilla

I was still bleeding into adult nappies 3 weeks after having my children. You wouldn't get me anywhere near a wedding! However i was completely oblivious before my first too and made random plans so I think they were just naive to agree in the first place. And the 2 weeks previous to your text would have been a blur and they may have even still intended to go but when the penny dropped they pulled out. Maybe the dinners and outings were testing the water and photos on social are not reality. They certainly wouldn't be agreeing to go to another one 3 weeks after the next baby!
So I wouldn't take it personally, it may have been a bit rude but I don't think it was intentional. Go to their wedding if you want. Don't go if you don't want to.
Congratulations too!

Very rude indeed!
They should have let you know way before then. I’m guessing the new baby has changed lots for them but they could have still let you know earlier.

Amma just ask one thing, OP are you a parent? Do you have kid's? Have you pushed something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a satsuma? Have you walked round with a dinner plate sized hole internal open wound inside you for months until it heals? Have you ever made a brew and put the kettle in the fridge after? Lost count of formula scoops (even though it's only 4 scoops 1 per flOz)?

Becoming a parent doesn't just affect mum, granted the above is just a snippet of what mums dealing with but then you have the sleepless nights, what if their baby's got colic? That poor baby and those poor parents will be barely sleeping, let alone have YOU on their mind. They can barely function, all new parents can barely function. The stress of bringing a newborn home their both feeling that. The last thing on any new parents mind is letting their friend know they won't be attending, ESPECIALLY if the friend said what you did.
Cut them some slack, they'll both be so tired, maybe instead of bitching on the internet about them, GO SEE THEM! Speak to them like adults and ask them if their okay, ask them how their handling being new parents, HAVE COMPASSION!
For all you know mums having a rough time maybe suffering from PND and dad's struggling to help, but what would you know eh? Your just the friend of the husband who'd rather bitch on the internet than support them?

Also way to go OP, this has now hit the newspapers so they are most likely going to see what a shitty friend you are, you could have taken the adult route, but now know if they want nothing more to do with you, your immaturity for bitching online is the reason why.

I wouldn’t be offended although I understand why you are. Babies are a massive shock to the system and in those early days the theft of your personal time is huge! You don’t really have time for anything. I mean I know some people are or appear to be totally organised and on top of everything but they are probably getting a lot of help. So just let it go and maybe say you really missed them at your wedding.

“Shitty friend”

are we reading the same thread??!

Yeah, a good friend would have checked up on them instead of bitching online about them. OP clearly had no understanding of what becoming a parent entails. Like I said before the new parents could be struggling, mum could have PND and dad's struggling alongside. What would OP know though, she hasn't mentioned trying to contact them once or even asking how their coping. Good friends do that, no matter what!

I've had three babies, two of them twins. I still think it's rude. The dad - who is the friend - literally needed to take two minutes out of his day to send a text saying "things are difficult with the new baby, I'm sorry we're not going to make it".

I can just about forgive a single parent mother forgetting and not responding. A couple, where the father is the friend? No sorry. Rude.

You're making a lot of assumptions about what OP has or hasn't done, just like you're making a lot of assumptions about the parents. They'd been out to at least one meal at a restaurant - the dad could have spent 20 seconds sending a text message like the one I mentioned. But didn't.

@Hearthfire can you point to where I said I hadn’t contacted them? I had. And I sent a card and a gift too.

I still standby, if you have the time and brain power to post repeatedly on Instagram (even if it’s just for show) you have the time to send a two line text message.

YANBU it is rude to not let you know sooner. As you said, you understand why they declined but not letting you know was rude.

It might look easy to send one txt msg but you don't know what else is going on and it's really hard to imagine if you haven't been there yourself.

I vividly remember being so overwhelmed at that point just with trying to remember to send 25 WhatsApp thank yous and 5 written thank yous for tiny babygros we'd been sent, getting the baby registered at the GP, dealing with midwife and HV appointments, birth registered, dealing with severe PND and all on virtually no sleep. One extra txt about a wedding we'd already implied we may not get to would have totally not been on my mind.

And I was doing a few updates on social media - mainly so many people could be updated simultaneously rather than add to the pile of things to reply to.

@RidingMyBike they didn’t imply they wouldn’t get to it - they said they’d both definitely be there….

But that was before the baby, wasn't it? Whilst I do think it was a bit rude not to let you know nearer the time, it's understandable how it happened, especially as your response was ambiguous. If the cost was such a big deal then maybe you should have had more of a conversation about it earlier?

The baby was four weeks by the wedding, yes? So, by then the sleep deprivation is really kicking in, the three week point is very very brutal as the baby feeds non-stop during a growth spurt which goes on for days. And the partner is usually back at work by then but on little sleep.

Not everyone is as badly off as we were but at the four week mark I'd just been diagnosed with severe PND, started on some anti-depressants with awful side effects so was trying desperately not to throw up on my baby and was mainly focussed on staying alive for an hour at a time. DH was very overwhelmed with being back at work, very ill wife, baby to look after etc. Most of my friends weren't aware of this and it wouldn't have been apparent from my social media - apparently this is common.

@RidingMyBike yes it was before the baby, I was just correcting you that they didn’t already imply they couldn’t make it.

They used the words ‘definitely attending’.

anyway. Sorry you had a tough time. I really don’t blame them for not coming, I just would have appreciated being proactively told. It seems opinions are very split on this thread.

Why are so many people coming up with personal stories about themselves as individuals, as women who have just given birth.

There is a father involved who could have sent one singular text and didn't bother, despite being able to curate the perfect photo for Instagram

It is irrelevant quite frankly how the mother felt/is feeling when there is another adult to do this one thing!

And you know what, if every single thing that can go wrong, does go wrong, then surely the husband could have at least offered an apology to @hellomeownow for not letting her know sooner?!

Yes, and some men in particular are absolutely useless about communication and this kind of thing. But we don't know what's going on here. I know how overwhelmed, exhausted and frightened my DH was at this point, even though he wasn't physically having to recover from giving birth.

Anyway, this has happened. How is the OP going to take things forward? Give them some space? Check in to see how they are and if they need some help? We would have been overwhelmingly grateful for any assistance at this stage!

"anyway. Sorry you had a tough time. I really don’t blame them for not coming, I just would have appreciated being proactively told. It seems opinions are very split on this thread."

They're only split because some people are confusing their reason for not coming with them not telling you until prompted. Take solace that most on here think the latter is rude and YANBU.

Alternatively she could get on with enjoying her life and leave the two friends to their self-induced isolation where texting anyone is impossible for months on end. If a friend treated me like this I probably wouldn’t be offering to go over and do their dishes.