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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

224 replies

hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 16:06

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 12/05/2022 18:37

I wonder if they've bought into that fantasy about a baby not changing your life and are struggling to come to terms with reality.

MountainDewer · 12/05/2022 18:41

@SmallPrawnEnergy You're getting it the wrong way around, with a lot of unnecessary drama to boot.
They have a new baby, a lot's going on. The OP isn't wrong to be miffed either. It's actual money down the drain. But it's not a MAJOR BETRAYAL that would necessitate her cancelling on an easy to attend wedding. Now that would be petty.

Princessoftheuniverse · 12/05/2022 18:41

DolphinaPD · 12/05
Like fuck would I travel abroad for their shitshow. I wouldn't tell them either.

This was my first reaction too but I just couldn’t do it as then I’d be no better than them and I’d feel so guilty unfortunately.

I heard about a member of a bridal party giving backward recently with no good reason. That person’s outfit had been paid for as well as the meal. A cost of £300. 5 days notice given. Rudeness and thoughtlessness are on the increase I think.

Thefaroeislands · 12/05/2022 18:41

I have a friend who got married (full English country wedding) at 9 weeks post party. Yes a baby does turn your life upside down, but I suspect she hadn’t lost the use of her fingers to text you ‘sorry it’s all too much, we can’t come’

Thefaroeislands · 12/05/2022 18:42

Post partum, not party.

GarlicGnocchi · 12/05/2022 18:42

notanothertakeaway · 12/05/2022 16:21

Yes @justasoul makes a good point

I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc could come across as "come if you can, if not no problem"

That's how I would take it too. Time is a blur in newborn world, I often had no idea what day it was. Did you ask after them at all or just watch Instagram?

carefullycourageous · 12/05/2022 18:44

I don't think you should go to their wedding because you don't like them anymore.

GarlicGnocchi · 12/05/2022 18:46

Just because someone has a baby doesn’t mean the rest of the world stops. no but for the people with the baby they can often shut off the world in a desperate attempt to get through the first month or so.

If you don't want to go to their wedding as some sort of petty revenge you aren't really a friend at all so they are best off without you.

Moodycow78 · 12/05/2022 18:47

It was rude but I'd give them a break, if you've not experienced it those first few months of having a baby time and anything not related to your baby has no meaning. They'll have been meaning to let you know and it got lost. I honestly wouldn't go to a wedding with a 3/4 week old first baby it would be awful! Congratulations anyway though 💐

GarlicGnocchi · 12/05/2022 18:47

carefullycourageous · 12/05/2022 18:44

I don't think you should go to their wedding because you don't like them anymore.

Yes. This.

TolkiensFallow · 12/05/2022 18:47

It’s rude.

Some people are really odd about saying no though! Also if it’s their first baby they were probably over optimistic about the logistics and desperately hoping to make it..

scoopoftheday · 12/05/2022 18:56

I was at a wedding last week and was holding a 10 day old newborn.

In this case, the mother was a friend of the bride. She'd been due to be bridesmaid but when her due date fell on the same month as the wedding, she stood down and let another friend take her place.

She still attended the wedding (her husband was also on the bridal party) and she'd had a cesearean section.

She sat most of the day and the rest of us helped with the baby and got her water etc. She said she thoroughly enjoyed herself and the little one slept all day.

I don't agree that having a baby means you can't attend a wedding or that life stands still. My own nieces were three weeks old on my wedding day and I have a beautiful photograph of them both in my arms.

I think your friend was rude not to let you know they weren't coming.

couldjustbehormones · 12/05/2022 19:00

Of course it’s rude. It’s extremely rude. Having a baby is great, a newborn is so bloody easy (and I had an extremely clingy one who wanted to be held alllll the time), the problem is people seem to have ridiculous expectations about their life being the same afterwards.

a wedding 3/4 weeks after would be fine in reality, but if they didn’t feel up to it they should have said. Particularly as they are planning a wedding so understand re coatings.

as for @Iflyaway Gave birth at 36 weeks. I had no nappies, bath tub, anything in place at the time

why didn’t you have nappies or any prepared stuff?! Anyone who has had a baby surely knows they can come any time from 36 weeks. Sounds like your own fault for being unprepared!

CurbsideProphet · 12/05/2022 19:02

YANBU. My cousin and his partner had a baby 3 months before my wedding. I said they were welcome to bring baby, or not come at all, whatever was best for them. They didn't respond and 2 weeks before the wedding my aunt told me they "probably" weren't coming... I had assumed all along that they wouldn't come, but my family kept going on at me to keep them on the list "just in case" 🙄
It really would have been more polite and realistic to have declined the invitation.

GarlicGnocchi · 12/05/2022 19:04

scoopoftheday · 12/05/2022 18:56

I was at a wedding last week and was holding a 10 day old newborn.

In this case, the mother was a friend of the bride. She'd been due to be bridesmaid but when her due date fell on the same month as the wedding, she stood down and let another friend take her place.

She still attended the wedding (her husband was also on the bridal party) and she'd had a cesearean section.

She sat most of the day and the rest of us helped with the baby and got her water etc. She said she thoroughly enjoyed herself and the little one slept all day.

I don't agree that having a baby means you can't attend a wedding or that life stands still. My own nieces were three weeks old on my wedding day and I have a beautiful photograph of them both in my arms.

I think your friend was rude not to let you know they weren't coming.

Good for her. By day 10 I was struggling with deep PND and could still barely walk around the house and was unable to lift my own baby without painkillers. Not every pregnancy, not every recovery, not every woman is the same.

GarlicGnocchi · 12/05/2022 19:05

Having a baby is great, a newborn is so bloody easy for you maybe.

Arenanewbie · 12/05/2022 19:10

I wonder if he was dealing with your invite and everything related because he’s your friend and he took your response as you didn’t mind them coming or not coming whatever they would fancy on the day.
I would go to their wedding only if you want to and it’s convenient for you.

Scabbyknackers · 12/05/2022 19:11

It wasn't great manners but I'd give them the benefit of the doubt here if they're usually good friends.

Sleepdeprived42long · 12/05/2022 19:11

I would have said YANBU as just not telling you after accepting is rude but you said this to them-I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc. That’s not clear who should get in touch with who if things change, or if it puts any onus on them to get in touch. So I think YABU to put all this on them when they have a newborn and it was so unclear.

I also think this is one of those things in life that’s very annoying but I’d wonder if it was truly worth losing a friendship over if they are otherwise good and kind people.

But if you don’t like them anymore and can’t move on from this, probably best not to go their wedding (or continue the friendship).

Original poster
hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 19:13

To be clear - I do not mind they did not come. I understand having a baby is a BIG DEAL and priorities change and you can’t predict how you feel.

The part I felt was rude was to decide they weren’t coming but not to send a quick text to let us know. If you have the time and mental space to post on Instagram (even if it’s for a show as some pps have said), you have time for basic manners for people that have invited and paid for you to be somewhere you said you’d be.

OP posts:
Original poster
hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 19:14

@Sleepdeprived42long but most people know how weddings work? That there is pre ordered food and table plans and to just not show up or say anything would be very odd.

OP posts:
LittleOldLadies · 12/05/2022 19:18

I'm assuming from your last sentence in your OP "Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?" that you don't have a young baby yourself. When you do, come back to this thread and see how you feel!

Yes, they should have told you they weren't coming. But maybe with the lack of sleep and generally seismic life change after having a baby, they just forgot about it. My DP completely forgot about a wedding that we were supposed to attend last weekend until the night before when the groom sent a text saying how much he was looking forward to seeing him! And we don't even have a baby as an excuse! Although your wedding was the centre of your world, it may not register too much in other people's minds when they have got other massive stuff going on like a new baby.

I hope you had a lovely wedding and congratulations!

BalloonsAndWhistles · 12/05/2022 19:22

Definitely rude. At our wedding the best man’s girlfriend didn’t come, just didn’t turn up. We had to finalise the numbers the week before so it was the last chance we had to say who wasn’t coming. That was £55 wasted on a complete stranger. She never even got in touch to apologise and the best man never offered to cover her place. It wasn’t really the money though tbh, it was just thoughtless and so rude. I think that when you accept an invite you should go unless something absolutely pressing comes up and then you should definitely apologise.

viques · 12/05/2022 19:25

Yes it’s rude, presumably they are coping with other real life situations like buying food, washing clothes, answering the phone, feeding themselves and the baby. A quick phone call or email would have taken barely a few minutes.

Northernparent68 · 12/05/2022 19:26

Maybe there waiting until the day before deciding if they were up for attending.