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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

224 replies

hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 16:06

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

OP posts:
catscatscatseverywhere · 12/05/2022 16:08

I was rude, yes. I am surprised she actually agreed to attend a wedding 3-4 weeks after baby was born. Should have been honest in the first place.

catscatscatseverywhere · 12/05/2022 16:08

*It was rude

fruitbrewhaha · 12/05/2022 16:10

Yes it was rude of them. I imagine they really wanted to be able to come but realised nearer the time that it would have been too hard. It's a shame as babies can be reasonably portable early on but if they weren't sleeping much at the time it would have been tough or if she was still recovering etc. I guess if they are normally good friends you should forgive them, they were perhaps caught up in a baby whirlwind.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/05/2022 16:11

yeah it was rude of them to not let you know

Playplayaway · 12/05/2022 16:11

Instagram doesn't really show the bone crushing tiredness of a young baby. Is it far for them to travel? Baby might hate the car. Even so, they should have given you more notice and it's odd they didn't say anything until you asked. Maybe they forgot.

Original poster
hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 16:12

I actually don’t mind they didn’t come, I understand why. It’s the not saying anything until I asked them.

OP posts:
RibNSaucyArseCrack · 12/05/2022 16:13

Any chance they just completely forgot? I forgot about my OWN wedding 7 weeks after my baby was born until my friend reminded me!

DarleneSnell · 12/05/2022 16:14

Yes totally rude. Having a baby isn't an excuse not to even communicate on something so important. I wouldn't bother with their wedding either.

oioimatey · 12/05/2022 16:14

I voted for a soft YABU. I get how it's annoying, but sometimes young babies are totally overwhelming. I didn't even go outside for the first two weeks after having my first. I know they've gone out but a wedding is a lot more difficult than a lunch or a trip to the park.

However, with only three days' notice, that's not great, so there you're definitely NBU. I also understand why you're not really wanting to attend their wedding.

heyitsthistle · 12/05/2022 16:15

They may have been a bit nervous about backing out. People are weird like that.

Kitten2 · 12/05/2022 16:15

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

... to be honest, yes, little bit.
I know I was in a complete daze after my first and I never could have anticipated it.

But it is still rude and I'm not surprised you're frustrated, I would be too. I had 5 no shows at my wedding, that was over £600 down the drain. Whatever the various excuses I was still a bit annoyed, only one was a 'good excuse'.
I would consider not going to theirs but think about it for a few days.

Ferngreen · 12/05/2022 16:17

Well do you know if it was a straightforward birth / delivery/ baby ill/ mum ill or just plain exhaustion causing forgetfulness or just plain besotted with baby forgetfulness - yabu as any of these excuses them imv.

justasoul · 12/05/2022 16:17

I voted YABU because even though they were rude not to let you know, if you had said this to me:

I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

I wouldn’t worry and it might not have occurred to me that I needed to contact you… Blush

notanothertakeaway · 12/05/2022 16:19

I wouldn't have managed a wedding with such a tiny baby

Going for a short walk / coffee locally is very different from a wedding

They were rude not to let you know they weren't coming

notanothertakeaway · 12/05/2022 16:21

Yes @justasoul makes a good point

I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc could come across as "come if you can, if not no problem"

Crunchymum · 12/05/2022 16:21

The lack of card and the not letting you know is rude.

How has the friendship been since?

Did their wedding invite go out before your wedding day? Have you rsvp'd?

To be honest destination weddings would be a complete no no for us (3 kids, skint, can't take time off in school term, annual leave used for childcare etc) but if you want to go don't let their shit make you play tit for tat. Go and have a holiday whilst you are at it.

If you aren't fussed about the destination, the wedding, the friendship etc then I'd be pulling out now.

Original poster
hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 16:23

@justasoul @notanothertakeaway it was that but I (wrongly) assumed they’d still let me know if their RSVP changed so we didn’t pay for their food and wonder where they were. It wasn’t a drop in thing, it was a normal / formal wedding.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 12/05/2022 16:26

hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 16:23

@justasoul @notanothertakeaway it was that but I (wrongly) assumed they’d still let me know if their RSVP changed so we didn’t pay for their food and wonder where they were. It wasn’t a drop in thing, it was a normal / formal wedding.

Yes I sympathise, but I think people who haven't planned a wedding themselves don't think like that. They assume that (1) the bill is the same whether they attend or not, (2) you wouldn't ask other guests at short notice, (3) on the day, it's easy to move a couple of empty chairs & table settings to one side

justasoul · 12/05/2022 16:27

@hellomeownow they definitely should have, I’m just looking at it from the baby brain newborn fog perspective - not worrying about something I’ve been told not to worry about Grin. Though my argument loses its strength a bit if your friend was the non-pregnant half of the couple…

notanothertakeaway · 12/05/2022 16:27

Also, they might assume that, at a busy event, you might not even notice their absence

DolphinaPD · 12/05/2022 16:47

hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 16:06

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

Like fuck would I travel abroad for their shitshow. I wouldn't tell them either.

TenoringBehind · 12/05/2022 17:03

On the face of it it seems little rude, but I think your response was unclear and they might have felt that they didn’t need to respond until pretty much the very last minute (if at all). With a 3/4 week old I could barely tell you my own name or what day of the week it was, so perhaps it just slipped their mind in the fog OG chaos and sleep deprivation.

I’d give them the benefit of the doubt.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/05/2022 17:07

Yes it was rude but I imagine most people are a bit more understanding of why once they have organised a wedding (so if this is their first wedding, they probably will be as well). Likewise most people who have had a baby will realise how unlikely it is, even in the best case scenario, to want to go to a wedding within a few days weeks of giving birth. I still had blood clots falling out of me whenever I stood up and leaking breasts at that point.

Nowomenaroundeh · 12/05/2022 17:09

They are rude AF. I'd only go to their wedding if I fancied a holiday to that particular place with that particular gang of guests.

blueagain · 12/05/2022 17:13

Yep rude. We had friends drop
out the day before and only because I chased to see how their travel was going!! We didn’t go to their wedding and haven’t seen them since.