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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

224 replies

hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 16:06

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

OP posts:
KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 13/05/2022 03:01

Congratulations on your wedding by the way! I hope you had a lovely day.

Pickabearanybear · 13/05/2022 03:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

supersonicginandtonic · 13/05/2022 03:17

Oh feck off. There is absolutely no excuse not to have sent an apologetic message, saying they could no longer make it. No baby takes up that much time, that you don't have 30 seconds to send a message. If they have time to post on social media they have time to text. They were just rude.

smithsinarazz · 13/05/2022 03:17

It's rude, but not worth breaking a friendship over. New parents do all sorts of crazy baby-obsessed things. It wasn't malicious - I would say, give them a big eye-roll, and save yourself the bother of actual anger. Congratulations on your marriage!

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2022 03:30

Going abroad for a wedding is a big ask. If you can’t be bothered anymore, maybe you could cancel and give an excuse like your wedding was more expensive than anticipated and you can’t afford it anymore.

Unless they are frequently inconsiderate, I wouldn’t ruin a friendship over their not letting you know. I am a disorganised person and this may have just slipped their minds. You’re texting with a guy and men don’t tend to apologise for existing, unlike many women, who’ve been trained to do so.

Trifecta · 13/05/2022 03:35

They were rude, but I’d let it go due to the stress of taking care of the new baby. I wouldn’t be bothered to attend their wedding though.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 03:54

I think it was unreasonable of you to expect that they would make it in the first place.

In your place, I would have penciled them in after they RSVPd but would have followed up sooner after the baby was born.

It was rude of them to blow off the wedding without bothering to tell you. They really should have done that.

I would skip theirs. Destination weddings are a really bad idea imo. Expecting your friends and family to fork over ££££ to watch you and your man exchange trite vows and smash cake into each other's faces is just plain entitled.

BadNomad · 13/05/2022 03:57

Is your friend one of those men who thinks RSVPs, cards and manners is "women's work"? He was rude.

BungleandGeorge · 13/05/2022 04:04

you were a low priority to them, I don’t agree with the people making excuses for them. I wouldn’t put yourself out too much for their wedding if you don’t want to go.

Kisskiss · 13/05/2022 04:20

what they did was rude.. the world doesn’t suddenly revolve around you, because you’ve had a baby!!!

DangerouslyBored · 13/05/2022 05:15

So staggeringly rude. Anyone who cannot see that clearly hasn’t held an expensive formal wedding!

Having a baby doesn’t suddenly entitle one to behave as if other’s feelings don’t matter.

and like hell would I be going to their wedding

carefullycourageous · 13/05/2022 06:16

Anyone who cannot see that clearly hasn’t held an expensive formal wedding!

By 3 days ahead the money is spent anyway.

CanYouHearMeAtTheBack · 13/05/2022 06:17

I think fair enough that they didn't come - you knew yourself that it was likely they wouldn't. Yes, it was rude not to tell you until you chased, but I agree with pp that the way you worded it they may have felt they could decide on the day. HOWEVER, not to send even a card is bloody rude - even more so since they are expecting you to go to all the expense of a destination wedding for them! Not sure I would want to attend now either, if that makes me petty so be it. But it's a pretty one sided friendship to expect the effort and expense of people attending their wedding abroad when they couldn't even be arsed to send a card for yours.

carefullycourageous · 13/05/2022 06:19

Clearly a majority feel it was rude, so the op can feel vindicated, but the best thing emotionally would be to stop focusing on this and try to get over it.

If the friendship is dead, worrying further is pointless so move on. If the friendship is worth saving, you have to move on.

Baystard · 13/05/2022 06:38

I'm assuming from your last sentence in your OP "Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?" that you don't have a young baby yourself. When you do, come back to this thread and see how you feel!

Good @LittleOldLadies . In fact as it'll only take 30 seconds can you just pop back here and let us know if you still feel the same?

It would have been better if they had told you. Since you are making such an out of proportion fuss about it now (a month later), including a retaliatory backing out of going to their wedding, I'm not entirely surprised they might have been putting off having to tell you that they no longer wanted to attend.

Baystard · 13/05/2022 06:40

(I have no idea why my whole post is in italics @mumsnet it wasn't when I submitted it?!)

Feelinglow27 · 13/05/2022 06:57

Yes rude. I would possibly let it go, but not sending a card on top says it all I think.

I wouldn't bother with their wedding, but let them know you aren't going. Be the bugger person!

Mamapep · 13/05/2022 07:33

Of course YANBU - but the early days can be hell battling sleep exhaustion and a steep learning curve, it’s not that you stop caring about everything else. I would be gentle with her and accept it/not fall out.

burnoutbabe · 13/05/2022 08:01

Mamapep · 13/05/2022 07:33

Of course YANBU - but the early days can be hell battling sleep exhaustion and a steep learning curve, it’s not that you stop caring about everything else. I would be gentle with her and accept it/not fall out.

It's him not her that's her mate and should have responded, and sent cards.

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2022 09:29

So the new dad is the one who is your friend? I see what’s happened. She’s very reasonably left him to do the life admin for maintaining social relationships with his friends since she’s recovering from birth and adjusting to a new baby. And he’s totally dropped the ball because that boring crap isn’t really his job is it?. I would gently rib him about that next time you catch up to support her in having reasonable expectations of a partner not needing to be treated like another baby, most especially when she’s just had her first baby. Make it very clear you expected it of him not her.

SleeplessInEngland · 13/05/2022 09:39

Definitely rude that they apparently had to be prompted to tell you they weren't coming. The newborn stage is exhausting but that's still bad.

WimpoleHat · 13/05/2022 10:40

If they had time to post on instagram, they had time to do you the courtesy of letting you know.

I do agree with this; it does remove the “totally frazzled and sleep deprived, didn’t have a minute to think about anything” excuse.

Re their wedding - were you actually looking forward to going or was it a favour to them? If it’s the former, I wouldn’t cut my nose off to spite my face; if you were a bit “meh” about it anyway, then I’d make my (polite) excuses.

Twizbe · 13/05/2022 10:56

timeisnotaline · 13/05/2022 09:29

So the new dad is the one who is your friend? I see what’s happened. She’s very reasonably left him to do the life admin for maintaining social relationships with his friends since she’s recovering from birth and adjusting to a new baby. And he’s totally dropped the ball because that boring crap isn’t really his job is it?. I would gently rib him about that next time you catch up to support her in having reasonable expectations of a partner not needing to be treated like another baby, most especially when she’s just had her first baby. Make it very clear you expected it of him not her.

This totally.

I bet she's trying to keep up with life admin on her side and expect as it was his friend he might think to send a card.

Have you had a thank you card for your baby gift yet? I bet they are still sitting there to be done too.

EL8888 · 13/05/2022 11:07

Very rude. But unfortunately some people do think the world revolves around them and anyone without children lead trivial little lives. Ex-friends of mine still thought 5 or 6 years into having children that was the case. I'm chuckling about the comment about the wedding being all about you -it is your wedding so why wouldn't it be?!

Calphurnia88 · 13/05/2022 11:28

EL8888 · 13/05/2022 11:07

Very rude. But unfortunately some people do think the world revolves around them and anyone without children lead trivial little lives. Ex-friends of mine still thought 5 or 6 years into having children that was the case. I'm chuckling about the comment about the wedding being all about you -it is your wedding so why wouldn't it be?!

This is a little harsh given in this scenario the child is a newborn baby. I have a two month old and whilst I don't think the world revolves around my baby, mine certainly does and the first few weeks turned my life (as I knew it) upside down. Add to that recovering from the birth, keeping up with calls and messages from family and friends requesting regular updates...

FWIW I think the friend was rude for not letting OP know sooner that they wouldn't make it, but expect this was a combination of newborn fog/wishful thinking. I also think OP confused things slightly by saying to the friend when they RSVP'd not to worry if things changed after the baby arrived, which friend may have taken literally.

Assuming the friend isn't usually flaky, whether or not OP should attend the friends wedding depends on how important the friendship is to OP.