Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

[hellomeownow]

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

They really may not have decided until you, effectively, pressed them to.

Things keep changing with a baby and for many new parents you just keep thinking (hoping, really!) that it's going to get better. And maybe you'll be up for whatever even though right at that moment in time all you can do is manage half an hour at a time on anything before you're groaning and flopping onto the sofa.

They wanted to come! So didn't decline, probably imagined it would get easier with their first newborn as the weeks passed, not realising sometimes it gets much harder!!!

They were putting it off in a vain hope of trying to come, and when you put them on the spot they caved and cancelled.

Do you really need a card right now? I couldn't move for stitches and would not be thinking about wedding presents or texts. It is the shock of literally no sleep that causes total brain fog.

My dh and I between us couldn't even work out how to turn on a steriliser. Yes it can be that bad!

I wouldn't ruin a good friendship, you may laugh about this one day. My bf missed my wedding, she had just given birth. I didn't mind, it happens!

Babies are bigger than weddings op. Sorry!

@NumberTheory it was 3 days before. I hardly pressed them.

If I am on the fence about attending something, even if I want to make it happen but I know someone would be committing money on me being there, I’d decline or let them know asap.

Yes - thats really rude

Maybe they forgot!

You told them not to worry, and then you chased them up so they answered.

You're making a bigger deal out of this than it warrants. I get it, you have impeccable manners. You would never let anyone down. You are, in fact, perfect in every way

I wonder if they’d be thinking it was going to be too much but felt like it was too late to say anything? So when you messaged it gave them a way out? Whereas if you hadn’t messaged they would have braved it

When you said if things change after the baby arrives and then left it open ended who would let who know if things did actually change, then you can’t really complain when things did change and they didn’t get in touch (bearing in mind they also have a newborn baby!).

I also think that it’s only really people who have organised a wedding that understands how they work-price per head, table plans etc.

At the end of the day though it’s just a wedding. An expensive party for just one day. And I say that as someone who has had a wedding and remains happily married 12 years later. Trust me when I say that it’s the marriage that counts, not the wedding. I’d not lose a good friend over something like this.

Reading between the lines of their text I think they likely did really want to attend.

I imagine dad didn't text earlier because mum was saying she still felt up for going, or was changing her mind lots and wasn't ready to admit that she couldn't attend. It's really hard to admit as a new mum, that you can't do some things or that life does have to change post baby.

Your text likely prompted the final admission that she just couldn't face it and perhaps couldn't face him going without her and being alone with baby.

Don't be harsh on them. Don't fall out with them for this. Especially if you're planning to have kids.

of course its rude made worse that the male is your friend-oh no dont rely on bloody men to let you know anything

But you told them this:
I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

So they were taking you at your word. Yes, they should have told you, but on the other hand, you said 'please don't worry.'

Think you've got to take some responsbility for leaving it so last minute to check with them, OP. Never assume anything, especially where a new parent is concerned. I would have asked the first opportunity that was reasonable. Not 3 days before. Just a quick text "Just checking in to see if you want me to include you and/or baby in the final numbers? I realise you might have changed your mind about coming now that baby's here, which is totally understandable, just let me know."

TBH, I think that many people nowadays make the mistake of inviting too many people to their wedding and other celebrations because that's what the current trend is, and maybe they are influenced by z listers on social media/with Hello deals. People who aren't very close friends or family, and who probably won't still be in touch with by 5 years after the wedding. There's the whole feeling of "a refusal often oftends" so they accept but as the wedding gets close they find themselves not really wanting to go. I do wish the trend would go back to days gone by where the wedding party was really very small and you didn't have these wider guest numberse with flaky guests. The people who came were your close family or friends or god parents, or one or two of your closest friends from work. There were certainly no "evening only" invitations where the whole office is invited. Anyway....that's a different thread.

I wouldn't go to a destination wedding if I was just a friend, unless it meant I could afford the money and time to go and it didn't have to make it my main family holiday. My friend got married abroad when I was properly skint when my kids were little and we were invited. I'd scrimped and saved and promised them their first holiday abroad to a particular place. Then I got the wedding invitation. It wasn't the place I'd promised the kids we'd go, and it wasn't a destination I'd choose as a holiday with them and I didn't have the money to do both things. So I felt bad declining the wedding but my friend understood. I wasn't one of the main wedding party guests anyway. So, OP, if you're not immediate family or best friend, I wouldn't think twice about not going to their wedding abroad.

I don't mean that you were on their case in a bad way, it's perfectly reasonable for you to have asked. But since you hadn't given them a deadline but said to see how things go, if they were undecided it's not surprising if they felt you calling them was the deadline for a decision and so made the only one they felt they could commit to.

Tbf I think they just forgot all about it until you prompted them. Yes it was all important to you, but to them it was just another thing to be dealt with when they could get to it in the newborn haze.
I take it you don't have children yourself op?

@PortalooSunset ”I take it you don't have children yourself op?”

No I don’t. And not through choice. But sure, I’m just a bridezilla who couldn’t possibly understand that having a baby prevents your DP from sending a text message.

What a supercilious post !

OP have they always made the effort in the past? If so, I would let this go and attend their wedding abroad (unless you cant afford it or get time off). Social media is not a full representation of reality, so they could well be struggling.

Yes you can forget to send a text. You can forget to eat or shower. You can forget your partner's name or call them a strange name you don't even have in your pool of acquaintances. Problem with social media is that often all of that is not posted.

May be they've been having terrible nights. If they are good friends, I would forgive and forget. But if you don't value their friendship that much then you can take your revenge and snub their wedding (are you sure that will make you feel better?) or block them or whatever. Live on and with it!

Well, actually - if you are deep in that haze,
yes, you do forget things like that, especially if they don't understand wedding planning, and when you've already told them to not worry about it. It sounds like an accident on their part, an not worth your emotional energy.

Hahaaa did you really read the op and thought oh yes they invited the baby because they thought a 3 or 4 week old might really want to come and enjoy the party? They invited the baby understanding that the parents wouldn’t go anywhere without baby at that age to make it clear they were welcome to bring baby along. That’s what thoughtful people who want friends with small babies at their wedding do.

I hope you didn’t feed every 3 hours for a year. But, when people take young babies along to things, the mum feeds them there. I’ve breastfed babies at a wedding, i and I expect many on this thread have a very good understanding of breastfeeding! I would have found a wedding very hard work at that age, and at 4 weeks after a difficult birth we were on holiday in france so it would have looked to many like a wedding would be a doddle but they are much more intensive events and I’d have felt pressure to look good.
thye were very rude to not rsvp that they weren’t going to make it.

@Pickabearanybear i did send a card / gift for the baby, yes

Was rude of them not to let you know. But sounds like they massively underanticipated how easy it wld be to attend after the birth & how completely caught up in it they inevitably would be.
But probably felt really bad because they really wanted to go & support you /be there for you on your special day. Took your “don’t worry if not” msg literally & used it to excuse them of having to actually confront the discomfort of having to tell you they cldnt come & maybe in their eyes be letting you down.
Not great on their part. But understandable. Like other PP’s say you don’t know what’s gone on w/birth etc despite insta stories. Depends how they handle the friendship going forward. Have you sent them a congrats for baby’s arrival card etc? As for their wedding can see why you don’t want to go. I wld want to know where yr friendship stands before replying & deciding if you want to go. Be hard to want to if you’ve not even had a text or anything since to say we’re sorry we cldnt make it - hope you had a lovely day etc wld love to see you soon & for you to meet this little one etc.

Oops just seen you did send card /gift for the baby

If they had time to post on instagram, they had time to do you the courtesy of letting you know.

They were bloody rude and I certainly wouldn't be travelling abroad for their wedding.