Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

[hellomeownow]

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

OP, YANBU. Your friend is the dad and I still struggle to understand how having a baby means you can do nothing at all not even send a quick text. But then I didn't barricade myself in my house, refuse all visitors to devote myself to the '4th trimester'.

If it had been me I probably would have said yes to coming if you were a good friend/I wanted to and used the baby as an excuse if I only felt so-so about your wedding. Unless you have an overwhelming desire to go to their destination wedding I would be dropping out (last minute)!

As an aside with my first born 3 weeks before Christmas we managed to attend quite a few family events and other gatherings and a brilliant New Year's eve engagement party.

should I have uninvited them when I found out she was pregnant? I invited the baby because I thought that was the correct thing to do - people go mad on here if babies aren’t invited to weddings.

But why are you letting MN opinions form your own??

I get that you want your friends at your wedding but hey! Babies come unanounced (not like a wedding), just let them be.

Basically, you don't know what is going on in their life She may have post-natal depression, anything could have happened.

Enjoy your wedding and connect with her when you both have time for it.

now you have said your mate is the bloke, i can understand more. I mean its still rude, just men generally aren't as appreciative of the hassle caused by dropping out or feel they need to explain more.

There is (probably) a time when his partner says - oh did you get OP those flowers/card for missing the wedding and he says "why? was i supposed to?"

It was rude of them not to update you on their circumstances, yes. They may or may not have lost track of their calendars and they may or may not have realised the cost implications (they soon will for their own wedding) but they were still thoughtless.

And it was completely the right thing to invite all 3 of them but give them an easy opt out, just like you did.

How much slack you want to give them for their circumstances and/or whether you would now prefer to spend your money on a holiday rather than attending their wedding is entirely up to you, but you’re absolutely not unreasonable or a bridezilla🙄for being miffed!

Just because someone has a baby doesn’t mean the rest of the world stops

It does for them though. You think you know they're coping, but you really don't know from instagram. Of course they should have let you know, but you can either forgive them for it or not - you might just have to accept that sleep-deprived people whose lives have just really changed, and who may be recovering from/ supporting someone who is recovering from physical trauma (and no, you won't necessarily know if this is happened) will make mistakes like this. But it seems like you just want to be told your anger is justified. You keep saying that everyone else's world hasn't changed - but theirs has. They might not keep up. If you can't forgive them for it just leave them alone. Seems like they thought you'd understand. Doesn't sound like you have kids, maybe you'll be more tolerant one day.

I wouldn't go to their overseas wedding though!

oddly enough, our wedding day was mostly about us. It takes 30 seconds to send a text saying sorry we can no longer make it now

Like this.... yeah but their lives right now are not about your wedding.

It's really rude. Only an absolute dick would think they didn't need to tell you they weren't coming.

The baby brain/fog is bullshit. I'm sorry but it is.
It would have been on the calendar, they knew it was coming. You don't get to be a selfish arsehole just because you've become a parent.

And even if we're giving them the benefit of the doubt and it totally slipped their baby-addled brains, they've done fuck all to make up for it since.

A nice card or a bunch of flowers delivered could have repaired some of the original rudeness but they still haven't bothered have they.

Where is their wedding OP? If it's somewhere lovely then go if it suits you and go and have some fun whilst you're there.

I don't think it was rude personally, I had a friend cancel on the day because of their baby and it didn't occur to me to be annoyed.

What was the actual damage that was done to you? You had told them it was OK to change their mind, you didn't say they had to let you know by x date, so they were following your lead.

Focus on your happy marriage, let it go.

Just shows what a pack of lies Instagram/SM is.

Definitely rude not to let you know. I've had three kids and managed to let people know whether or not I could attend things.

It's fair enough if they didn't feel able to attend, some people don't at that stage but the world doesn't stop when you have children and if you want to maintain relationships with family and friends you keep up basic courtesies.

In usual MN fashion most people won't bother to read all your posts.. but this puts them into the rude category.
Admittedly you saying 'please don't worry' might have made them think it's not that big of a deal. But it's common sense to send a gift for a wedding that you've dropped out of last minute IMO. Even if it was a casual buffet.

It wasn't great but I think you are being immature to not go to theirs just because you are miffed.

Immature to not want to spend significant effort and expense, for people who CBA?
Right
If it was a local wedding OP would probably still have gone, albeit grudgingly...

Rude. I know life is tiring with a newborn and it was completely unlikely they'd be able to come but they should have told you rather than you chase.

Thing is they were always going to be potential no shows. I guess your lack of baby knowledge means you didn't know that. Surely you'd confirmed guest numbers before baby arrived?

OP - Have you got kids?

Sounds like both parties had major life events which took a priority over everything else and has made both a little bit oblivious to the other person.

I think I can say it is rude given they are planning a wedding so they should know what's at stake - otherwise when I've seen people upset about guests not coming at the last minute, I have asked whether that guest has been to many weddings before? Sometimes people just don't know how expensive it is per guest and so forth.

I had the opposite where a friend asked me if he could bring with his (recently reunited with) girlfriend - who was also a friend of mine - to our wedding at the last minute. As it happened, some people had dropped out so we could accommodate her and I knew he'd probably not been to any other weddings as an adult so he probably didn't know you don't generally ask to bring someone else along like that!

It’s funny isn’t it. You often get posts on here from new parents at absolute breaking point because of their new babies. Absolutely fried and burned out parents who can’t think straight, can’t sleep, don’t have time to eat, everything is just hell and replies will tell them it’s normal, to focus on themselves and just do what they need to to survive.

But apparently that’s “bullshit” and you’re a dick if you even DARE not consider someone else’s feelings when you’re a barely functioning human.

”they were posting on instagram” I hear the angry mob crying… and? We all know social media is a just a fucking show and they’re probably just posting on there to put on a front to the world to show they’re coping, when the reality could be they’re really fucking not.

At the end of the day absolutely no one knows what is going on in these new parents lives, and some of the utterly vile and judgemental comments on here are literally the reasons so many new parents feel like failures.

Don’t go to their wedding OP, but not because of the reasons you listed. A place for someone better and more understanding perhaps.

One of my friends was the same. I said to her when the invitations went out that it would probably be too soon and no pressure to say yes. They accepted then dropped out a few days before. Luckily i had foreseen this and hadnt ordered their meal (i had checked i could add last mintue extras with the hotel) so was all fine but i did do a massive eye roll.

It was rude, yes.

But is it out of character of them? If so, I'd be inclined to forgive and move on.

If they have a reputation of being flaky and not acknowledging others' occasions, then I'd be re-thinking how close I'd want to continue the friendship.

Incidentally, you say this was a few weeks ago and they've not been in touch again since. If you still want to remain friends (however loosely), then would you consider reaching out to them to say hi and ask how they're all doing?

It was cheeky of them not to let you knoe. I wouldn't go out of my way to go to theirs.

It was a little rude not to have got back to you to let you know they wouldn't be coming after all once they'd decided. But they had just had a baby and it can be overwhelming. Sleep deprivation can make decision making hard and time can get fuzzy. They may have been in two minds - hoping things would get better - but your call prompted them to choose a side and so the only reasonable one at that point in time was "no.".

A wedding is a stressful time but a new baby, for a lot of people, is a completely new experience where the reality is not something they're experienced with or prepared for. I think you treated them well and they tried to be optimistic about being able to celebrate with you but realistically it was beyond them and they were slow to act on that. You can be annoyed at them but I think you should cut them some slack.

That said, I cba with weddings abroad even if the bride and groom attended my wedding. There's no obligation to attend and if you don't want to go you shouldn't feel bad about it.

I’d probably put this down to them desperately wanting to come but being totally exhausted and unable to bring themselves to even make a decision to cancel. A little self-absorbed, maybe, but probably given the situation understandable.

OP you know fine well it was rude of them.

Why? Why do you really want to bother your arse to go to a wedding “grudgingly”? Surely sitting at home with a glass of wine is better than sitting at a wedding of people you clearly resent, with a smacked arse face because “they didn’t come to mine”. It’s massively immature. Just be an adult and own your pettiness ffs.

They were definitely a bit rude.
However at 3/4 weeks postpartum I was on my knees.
The lovely sleepy newborn had gained its crying lungs and the initial boost of adrenaline after birth had well and truly worn off.
Given that you had said not to worry I don’t think you can hold this against them all that much- is there any point? It’s over and done with now so forgive and move on or hold a grudge, up to you!