Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

[hellomeownow]

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

as she’s your friend my guess is that her DP was oblivious and she just forgot until you messaged her.

give her a break.

The 'don't worry' means it's OK to not come as a baby changes everyday life a lot. But they still need to update OP and tell her they are not coming. Not bothering to say is rude.

I think it’s a sign of the times. I think you are not unreasonable to have expected their decline earlier than your follow up, yet also understand the ups and downs of having a new born.

however having hosted a major 0 birthday pre-paid at an exclusive premises for DH, I was appalled at the people of guests who didn’t turn up. There was so much food uneaten which the venue would not allow me to take home too.

I felt like sending out invoices to recoup our 4 digit loss…

people are generally just rude.

Number of guests….

It was not rude of them to not come - most people would not want to go to a wedding so soon after having a baby - but it was really rude of them not to let you know as soon as they decided. Some people are just clueless and don’t have great manners. Think about whether you actually want to go to their wedding and if not, take the high road and let them know.

Not much surprises me on mumsnet but I am genuinely shocked by the split on this vote, can’t believe anyone thinks OP is reasonable! OP it is 8,000,000% obvious you’ve never had a baby. They DID let you know they weren’t sure, and then they DID let you know they weren’t coming, and all I can say is if you do ever have a child I hope to god your friends show you more compassion 3 weeks in than you’ve managed to show here.

@elizzza no. Incorrect. They let me they weren’t sure if they would bring the baby. They confirmed both their attendance and food choices etc. I then followed up to see if the baby was coming and what provisions they needed and he told me actually, none of them were coming. 3 days before.

I have no problem that they couldn’t make it, it’s understandable. But I would expect the basic manners of letting someone know ASAP, especially if I knew it would cost them money.

if I am luck enough to have a baby, I hope to god I don’t treat people the way you think is acceptable.

Sorry, “they weren’t sure if they would bring the baby” - like you thought there was world in which they were going to come and leave their three week old baby elsewhere?? It seems like you are really quite unfamiliar with the concept of babies.

What was rude was not telling you until you followed up. I'm betting this was the first child, and they blithely believed that everything would be wonderful, with music and birds tying ribbons on the bassinet, and a charming child who did nothing but sleep and eat and sleep again. Then they got hit with the fact that parenthood is not just a job, it is an indenture (had that tee shirt, and wore it out...literally). However, not informing you that they are finding parenthood far more demanding than they anticipated was, indeed, rude.

@elizzza why are you so angry? They said that, not me.

Not really my job to tell them that wasn’t going to happen.

I’m with you @elizzza and not angry, just bemused that anyone who has had a baby could think the OP is reasonable for the amount of pettiness directed at their friend.

I’d be very surprised if anyone wanted to leave their tiny baby to go to a wedding but can understand someone who doesn’t have kids not getting this. I don’t understand those who have not understanding.

Whilst I think it was a bit rude not to let you know, I think you’re being unrealistic about what it’s like with a new baby. Babies do a growth spurt at about 3 weeks old when they basically feed non-stop round the clock - it’s absolutely horrific to deal with. It coincided with Xmas for us and there’s a pic of me standing next to the tree holding DD looking like death! I could barely string a coherent sentence together. Those first weeks are so overwhelming - how long does her partner have for paternity leave as he may just have gone back to work and be dealing with work and no sleep? We were doing things like stopping off at Pret for a coffee, just to get out of the house and get some fresh air but the social media posts won’t resemble the reality of what they’re dealing with. Our photos of sweetly sleeping baby in Pret don’t at all reveal the reality of what we were going thru - I was diagnosed with severe PND at 4 weeks.

I was totally overwhelmed with trying to remember who had given us what baby gift, getting the birth registered etc let alone had the mental capacity to think about things like a wedding invitation. Especially one where they’ve already said they weren’t sure if they could make it. Not all weddings are paid food per head, fixed seating - I’ve only been to a couple like this. Many are buffet-style, help yourself, sit wherever so wouldn’t make any difference someone being there or not.

I completely understand why you feel let down and why you feel it was rude. It is very hard to explain what it is like to have a newborn until you have been in that situation. Although you say she had an uncomplicated birth (not early for example) she could have still experienced birth trauma (physical or mental). It could be that they have a baby who sleeps and the mum is well and they have just been rude, but if these are people who you had previously always liked and had no reason to question the friendship it is more likely they really wanted to come, but found it unmanageable (it could be she has had birth trauma and can’t face people, it could be she has baby blues that has only just set it, baby could be ill, they could have anxiety about baby being around so many people, they could have problems and anxiety about feeding baby for an all day event which is very different to popping out for a walk or lunch, it could be as simple as the wife feels very self conscious and can’t face it). My advice would be to wait a while until the dust has settled and then gently explain to your friend in person that you understand there must have been a good reason, but it did upset you and you wanted to be honest. I’m sure you will then get greater clarity on what happened.

I had a ‘standard vaginal birth’ at term so on paper it all looked straightforward to someone outside who didn’t know the reality. The reality involved several tears that took months to recover from (and this isn’t the sort of thing people put on Instagram!), a haemorrhage, then endless problems with feeding. Behind the scenes there could be all kinds of things going on for your friend.

Before I had my baby I’d have thought the same about ‘they could have just sent a txt’ but you honestly have so much going on in that first month and are doing it on so little sleep that stuff gets easily forgotten.

So what do we as inviters do for new parents?

Just scrub them off the list? Even if they say they are coming -you say now don't be daft, you won't.
M surely you trust your friends can decide for themselves in an appropriate amount of time? You can't keep badgering them for a decision.

I suppose you just have to have someone on standby to replace them (friend of your parents maybe who won't be offended at late invite) and hope they don't do it on the day.

@burnoutbabe
Maybe just accept that sometimes life gets in the way and not everything revolves around your wedding party?
A couple of people missing isn’t the end of the world when actually the day is about a marriage not a wedding.
Then move on and don’t be a dick about it because these people are (presumably) your friends and you understand that they might have had different priorities in that moment.

It is rude, however 4 weeks after giving birth is nothing and they were probably in a complete fog not knowing if it's Christmas or Easter (despite what social media might suggest.)

However for your friend not to send a card is a bit shit, he could have organised that before the baby was even born.

Well it's a waste of money for one thing. Which can be avoided if they tell you in advance they can't come. This applies to the many examples we have seen in this thread.

I think this is a case of you leaving things open for them to make a last minute call, and them perhaps finding parenthood a bit less rosy and simple as they thought.

I recall for the first few months I was perpetually several hours late for things, barely knew my name and was an anxious mess as my baby wasn't gaining weight as expected. Maybe they hoped to come, but when you chased realised it wasn't going to be a good idea to try and had to commit one way or another despite you giving the impression you were very flexible.

Regarding the lack of card/gift, I'd hazard a guess that since your friend is the husband/dad, this is something that would have previously fallen under the age old "wife work", but his wife is otherwise occupied with a small baby, and it hasn't even occurred to him that he could buy/post.

Yes it was rude not to update you before you having to ask!

It was rude not to tell you they weren't coming along. You never expected them to come along with a new born but it takes 1 minute to send a text especially when posting on social media.
I was in the same boat. Took my DD along to a Wedding when she was 12 days old. Never again. With my DS the same thing happened. Invited to another Wedding, but we didn't go. Just sent a quick message to DF and card. All was good. I hope you had a fantastic Wedding Day. Congratulations OP.

They could have left it with the grandparents, with a good friend or similar. Entirely possible.

It was rude of them. They know that you have probably planned this wedding for a long and spent time and money on it. One phone call would suffice, even a text to say they will not be coming. That’s all it would take.

This.

No doubt there'll be some MNetters who will argue they went on a three week all inclusive and left their newborn with granny the whole time and everyone was fine, but most new parents would not leave their newborn babies to go to a wedding. Suggesting that would even be an option seems very naive...

You're right to feel annoyed, but also she has no idea as is yet to get married ....when people drop out last minute...the cost per head is not just the catering it's the whole wedding. Like you say who wants empty seats at tables. People are odd don't take offence. But don't put yourself out or out of pocket going to theirs abroad. I was bridesmaid 5 days after having my baby ...I was dripping in sweat ...thanks hormones and loosing all the fluid ...covered in pads lol couldn't see my eyes my face was so swollen, wedding was 2 hours away had 3 other kids to take too and look after with a new born and breast fed/pumped the whole day but still am so so glad I made it. I had peoe bail a day before our wedding because they couldn't get a babysitter. So I said no worries. They have loads of family and support in hindsight I feel bad and should have said come what's a few kids and people even came and just brought their kids that weren't invited haha weddings! Go with your gut though on how you feel about going to theirs and your friendship. Is annoying, but it's in the past so let it go now and not take up your head space anymore x