Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

[hellomeownow]

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

I think this is one of those things that, unless couple has major history for being flakey arseholes then it’s probably just an oversight.

Yes, not best form they didn’t tell you BUT it could be a communication error (you said if things change don’t worry so perhaps they, naively thought they didn’t need to tell you) or they’re so caught up newborn fog they completely forgot.

YABU to throw your toys out of the pram and sack of their weirding because of this. You clearly wanted to go enough before to agree to going, petty game playing isn’t very mature. Especially the way a PP has suggested you go about it.

It was rude but also naive. There was never any real likelihood of them coming to a party 3 weeks after giving birth. (Before hospitals got so overcrowded they used to keep the mum in hospital for the first 14 days.)

It isn’t that things seem trivial when you’ve had a baby, it’s more like the baby is in sharp focus and the rest of the world is blurry dark background. Plus lack of sleep makes it impossible to think clearly or remember anything at all.

Hmm I think chances are they were putting off making a decision and did intend to tell you, but you beat them to it and prompted them to make a final decision. They come out looking like they weren't going to tell you but they probably were. They're probably all over the place.

If they're not overly close friends though then I wouldn't be that bothered about going to their overseas wedding regardless of this, though.

It was rude to not tell you, but also I could see how they might think they didn't need to.

I can also imagine a whole host of emotions going through the new mum that meant she didn't want to confirm non attendance until she had to.

3 weeks post birth is hard. She might still be bleeding. Likely she still looks pregnant but maternity clothes make her look fat and nothing is comfortable.

I'd still go to their wedding. Especially if I fancied a holiday.

totally rude. yes baby brain etc but at the very least when they'd realised they'd forgotten to tell you I'd expect an abject apology for not letting you know rather than a 'Oh yeah we aren't coming.'
Bullshit to the poster who thinks that unless you've planned a wedding you don't realise you have to pay per place! Surely anyone that's ever attended (let alone organised) any sort of event understands that basic rule!

I have to say (and it’s meant kindly) that YABU.
Babies are hard, it’s so easy to lose time, I spent two weeks in my bedroom with my first born, refused to go out anywhere, it was just so overwhelming and I felt safe there and I was so tired! I didn’t really have any support other than DH who was working all day so I was doing it all alone.
I wouldn’t of had the brain capacity to even remember plans yet alone message someone in advance.
It could be that life is very chaotic for them right now and they are trying to navigate it all still, social media always paints a very different picture to reality.

Basically OP, when someone has a baby your whole world turns upside down...

I know. Gave birth at 36 weeks. I had no nappies, bath tub, anything in place at the time. He was in ICU.

Don't get on her case at this difficult time.

You sound a bit bridezilla, sorry.

What?? Bridezilla for expecting a quick decline to something they'd previously said yes to?! It is staggeringly ignorant to think it's ok to waste someone else's time and money just because you popped a kid out a month before and forgot how to send a text.

Basically @Iflyaway this person didn’t give birth early and their baby wasn’t in ICU. So it’s not really the same experience at all. Did you read my OP? My friend is the dad and I’m not getting on either of their cases. Your response is v patronising.

it’s not bridezilla to expect basic manners. Just because someone has a baby doesn’t mean the rest of the world stops. It’s completely understandable if they couldn’t make it. Just quite rude in the way the went about it.

The way you worded it ‘if anything changes don’t worry’ maybe meant they didn’t realise they’d need to actually tell you, it was an open invitation. Also I tend to go easy on people who have been selfish in the post-birth fog and would let it go.

she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited

Sorry OP. That is crazy.

There is NO WAY a baby - yes, it's about THE BABY! - would be wanting to go to a wedding after 3 or 4 weeks of birth, never mind the parents....

Having a baby turns your whole world upside down.

Breastfeeding at the beginning is every 3 hours. 24/7. I did it for a year.

It is rude, but they might be completely exhausted and overwhelmed, so go easy on them. Especially if it's their first child.

Yeah they ideally should have said more than 3 days before, but they might have genuinely thought before now that they'd make it/you told them not to worry if they can't be there.

I think 3/4 weeks after giving birth was actually my worst time...weeks of little sleep, cracked nipples, cluster feeding, still bleeding, still huge tummy, generally being clueless about babies. Has anyone checked how they're really doing (not just their insta updates)...who knows what's going on behind the scenes?

I wouldn’t have managed a wedding at that point pp unless it was mega local and the type of thing I could just drop in at then come away again

However she was rude not to let you know until prompted. I’d have been cross too.

Your response is v patronising

Nah. It's reality....

You just sound "It's all about ME....!"

@Iflyaway ok but just decline then? Or should I have uninvited them when I found out she was pregnant? I invited the baby because I thought that was the correct thing to do - people go mad on here if babies aren’t invited to weddings.

and if the parents didn’t want to come, like I said that is fine. I just found it rude to not have been informed. I completely understand having children turns YOUR world upside down but it doesn’t turn the whole of everyone else’s upside down.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

I think it’s more that when you have a baby, things that would have been simple suddenly turn into a massive logistical exercise. Travelling in the car, going out for the day - all of a sudden you need all sorts of stuff and all sorts of forward planning. If it’s a new baby, they may be finding it all
a bit overwhelming. (Travelling for a wedding all day/overnight is a very different thing from popping out for a pub lunch, for example.)

A friend of mine tells the story against herself of how they all bitched about a friend of hers who blew out her hen weekend because she had a baby. “She could’ve made the effort/let the dad take his turn/got a babysitter” etc. She then had a baby herself…..and felt mortified to have said that! It really is a huge upheaval.

That said - she was very rude not to have let you know and apologised.

@hellomeownow how dare you have the audacity to criticize these people!!! They're parents you know!! She might even be BREASTFEEDING!!!!!!

Honest to god. Shit happens, but they have been a total letdown and how anyone can make out OP is the arsehole is beyond belief. I've had kids and it's damn hard. I'd still be mortified to flake out on someone's wedding like that and I'd have sent a card with some cash and an apology!

surely anyone knows that if they can't come, they let you know ASAP so you can invite someone else and not waste their seats

(maybe different if evening only when the buffet just has some extra food)

@Iflyaway oddly enough, our wedding day was mostly about us. It takes 30 seconds to send a text saying sorry we can no longer make it now.

I really am quite surprised you think having a baby 4 weeks before (or not even you, your partner) makes that impossible.

OP, they might have forgotten, but more importantly… how was their response?
If they’ve been profusely apologetic, and at least send a gift it’s a genuine oversight.
If they just said ‘yeah nah we’re not coming’ you can put it down to rudeness.

Either way I wouldn’t be attending a destination wedding abroad with all of my own money. Even if it was a holiday destination a wedding isn’t going to make it any cheaper is it?

Exactly this. It maybe just got a bit too much with a newborn. It's ambitious planning to go to a wedding so soon after a birth. She should have messaged, but cut her some slack.

Exactly this. I used to forget my own baby’s name, or if I’d even had her yet, then burst into tears at my stupidity. Yet the Instagram life showed breezy motherhood!

@MountainDewer its going to be too much for us now - sorry to miss it and have a great day.

no card or follow up text. It’s been a few weeks.

OP,

Extremely rude and you are not unreasonable to be irritated.

Completely unnecessary to leave it so last minute.

If you can't be arsed to travel, then don't.

They couldn't send you so much as a text but will be expecting you to travel!🙄