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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest drop out - was this rude?

224 replies

hellomeownow · 12/05/2022 16:06

I got married last month and this has been bothering me.

One friend and his fiancé RSVP’d yes - she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited but he said they’d see how they feel about bringing the baby. I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

Baby born, all is well, lots of Instagram posts of them out with the baby on walks, restaurants etc. They don’t mention the wedding so I assume they are coming. 3 days before I check in to see if the baby is joining and my friend replies that actually it’s too much for them now and they can’t make it.

AIBU to think this was rude to let us know so last minute and only because I followed up? I wonder if I had not checked in, would they have just not turned up and their places all set out but empty. They were on the seating plan and we’d paid for their food etc. Never received a card.

They are getting married in November, overseas and I really cba to go now.

Is it just that when you have a baby, everything/one seems trivial?

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 13/05/2022 11:38

YANBU this was rude.

The father could have sent a text and didn’t. Granted the mother might have been preoccupied, but a single text?

Why is it considered ok to be completely thoughtless and inconsiderate because you have just had a baby?

EL8888 · 13/05/2022 11:41

@Calphurnia88 sending a message to advise of non-attendance only takes 2 minutes. Round about the same amount of time as posting things on Instagram etc. Personally l would call to discuss something like that but by the sounds of it OP would have been grateful to get a message, rather than having to chase them

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2022 11:42

Ferngreen · 12/05/2022 16:17

Well do you know if it was a straightforward birth / delivery/ baby ill/ mum ill or just plain exhaustion causing forgetfulness or just plain besotted with baby forgetfulness - yabu as any of these excuses them imv.

Unless there were issues after the birth ( and going by their Insta pictures doesn't seem so) then they were very rude.

All this 'baby fog' stuff. How do women in the developing world cope? They don't have the luxury to be in a daze for months after

Bentley123 · 13/05/2022 11:47

Was it quite a way for them to travel?
I guess they did let you know, all be it 3 days before. I don’t think this was rude. I wouldn’t have felt ready to attend a wedding after my first but probably could after my second. They probably hoped to come and realised a few days before it still wasn’t realistic. You don’t really know what’s going on (baby struggling to feed/mum v anxious)
I honestly felt like I’d been hit by a bus after my first, emotionally and physically nothing prepared me. Instagram shows nothing.
But it’s a shame they’ve not been in touch since to see how your day was.

Bearsan · 13/05/2022 11:48

Very rude to not let you know.
I wouldn't bother with their wedding either.
We had a couple of very small newborn babies at our wedding. Obviously baby fog etc wasn't used as an excuse for being ignorant then.

Astrabees · 13/05/2022 12:06

Can't go to a wedding 3 or 4 weeks after a birth? Some people would. I was back at work at 4 weeks. OP I think you were very understanding with your invitation and very kind to say that you would understand if they had to cancel - goodness you even included the baby in the invite which is a bone of huge contention on some MN threads. They should have contacted you immediately they realised they would not be able to attend, that is simple good manners.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 13/05/2022 13:35

PortalooSunset · 12/05/2022 21:27

Tbf I think they just forgot all about it until you prompted them. Yes it was all important to you, but to them it was just another thing to be dealt with when they could get to it in the newborn haze.
I take it you don't have children yourself op?

Well that's Ok then.
Sorry I forgot you were getting married!
At 3 days notice in their situation i would have offered to pay for the food that the couple had paid for because they had not been told otherwise.
And as for I guess you don't have children..... Everyone who I know who has had a baby still has their manners

rainbowmilk · 13/05/2022 14:23

YANBU OP but this is MN, and any thread involving a childless person always descends into them being told to #bekind about being treated badly by their newly-childed friends.

MiseryWIthAStent · 13/05/2022 16:13

Iflyaway · 12/05/2022 17:44

she was due to give birth 3/4 weeks before the wedding and the baby was invited

Sorry OP. That is crazy.

There is NO WAY a baby - yes, it's about THE BABY! - would be wanting to go to a wedding after 3 or 4 weeks of birth, never mind the parents....

Having a baby turns your whole world upside down.

Breastfeeding at the beginning is every 3 hours. 24/7. I did it for a year.

I went to my brothers wedding 2 weeks after giving birth, I was his best man on what was meant to be my due date and I was breastfeeding. I don't think you're a bridezilla OP.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 16:24

I wasn't able to walk upright two weeks after giving birth. I was still bleeding quite heavily too, and getting approximately 45 minutes of dozing between feedings.

People have all sorts of different experiences.

Smile
mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 16:26

Is your friend one of those men who thinks RSVPs, cards and manners is "women's work"? He was rude.

YYY to this, @BadNomad

JustDanceAddict · 13/05/2022 16:28

Def rude. I wouldn’t go to their wedding now.
i hate late wedding/function drop outs for no good reason - only good reason is death or illness imho.

JustDanceAddict · 13/05/2022 16:30

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 16:24

I wasn't able to walk upright two weeks after giving birth. I was still bleeding quite heavily too, and getting approximately 45 minutes of dozing between feedings.

People have all sorts of different experiences.

Smile

Yes and I thought I’d be able to go to a good friend’s 30th 10 days after birth w the baby asleep - ha! I still
let her know I couldn’t make it even though I was struggling.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 16:31

All this 'baby fog' stuff. How do women in the developing world cope? They don't have the luxury to be in a daze for months after

Quite often, the grannies and peers step in and help out considerably in the developing world.

It's places like the US, where I live - any place where women have to return to work too early, have little or nothing in the way of social support, and are cut absolutely no slack - where it really is incredibly hard for women.

Just because women are forced to grit their teeth elsewhere, and power through, fueled by coffee and Red Bull and grim determination, doesn't mean that if your circumstances are different you are taking the piss.

mathanxiety · 13/05/2022 16:37

Indeed, @JustDanceAddict I think it was rude, but I suspect that the baby's father was thinking along the lines that BadNomad suggested - that the new mother would do it.

I know a woman who arrived home after a CS and hospital stay of three days due to bleeding, and that afternoon, zonked to her eyeballs on pain meds and lack of sleep, her H volunteered to do a supermarket run and proceeded to ask her what they had run out of. Men don't always fully engage their brains.

SuziSecondLaw · 13/05/2022 16:39

I mean.. I think I probably forgot my own name when I had a 4 week old baby 😂

Let it go..

Longleggedgiraffe · 13/05/2022 17:53

A little bit. Having a baby is very tiring and thry probably just couldn't see their way around it,. Whilk at it is annoying, I really would try and cut t h em someslack

NamechangeFML · 13/05/2022 19:40

I can see both sides,
she maybe thought it would be doable ? Then a few nights of crap sleep and it suddenly becomes absolutely no chance.
A dear friend was due to have a rescheduled wedding about a week after i was due-i think we both knew it couldve went either way
(we ended up not going as Covid)
id hate to think she would've fell out with me over it. I think a few days before is totally reasonable and surely knew ,as my friend did, there was a chance she couldn't make it?

As excuses go : id say new baby was a good one. It honestly seems like an achievement to get dressed and get out for a coffee!
i ve been to weddings where healthy adults just couldnt be arsed to even text let alone turn up! 25 at one large wedding!! 25??!
congratulations op , im sure you had a lovely day.

Babyvenusplant · 13/05/2022 19:53

justasoul · 12/05/2022 16:17

I voted YABU because even though they were rude not to let you know, if you had said this to me:

I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc.

I wouldn’t worry and it might not have occurred to me that I needed to contact you… Blush

Exactly what I thought

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 13/05/2022 19:53

In the same way that your wedding is at the forefront of your mind and an all consuming top priority for you, maybe settling in to parenthood is for them? I know 3/4 weeks in I could barely remember my own name so it would be reasonable for you to cut them some slack. I understand it from your POV too. Wedding guest lists/table planning etc are a nightmare and in an ideal world they’d have let you know sooner but I reckon in this care it’s a little from column A and a little from column B

Synchrony · 13/05/2022 19:56

Nowomenaroundeh · 12/05/2022 17:09

They are rude AF. I'd only go to their wedding if I fancied a holiday to that particular place with that particular gang of guests.

This. When I had DC I was still perfectly capable of being polite.

I had three no shows on the day of the wedding. One was illness but the other two had no reasonable excuses and didn't even send a card. I haven't forgotten. Rude.

Harmonypuss · 13/05/2022 20:01

IMO you are BVU. I quote you from your first paragraph of the OP....

"I said when they confirmed attendance, obviously if things change after the baby arrives please don’t worry etc".

That says to me that you expected them not to turn up, so yes, you definitely are BVU complaining about it a month after the event.

AntiHop · 13/05/2022 20:09

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 13/05/2022 02:59

If they had time to post on instagram, they had time to do you the courtesy of letting you know.

They were bloody rude and I certainly wouldn't be travelling abroad for their wedding.

Exactly this. Your friend is rude

CelestiaNoctis · 13/05/2022 21:16

No they were rude. Even if they left it 3 days before and didn't say, they could have then sent something and acted like they felt terrible but it doesn't sound like they did. I have 2 kids and I've learned that your baby is only super important and life changing to you, not to everybody else on the planet.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/05/2022 21:21

Not telling you was rude, their reason wasn’t. I wouldn’t want to go to a wedding with a newborn.

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