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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

207 replies

jognburger · 08/05/2022 13:41

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

OP posts:
UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 08/05/2022 13:43

He sounds absolutely dreadful and I think you were right to say something. I’m amazed it took so long!

TidyDancer · 08/05/2022 13:43

YANBU and I'd be extremely unhappy if DH went ahead with his plan to apologise. BIL is a tantrumming child.

JustJoinedRightNow · 08/05/2022 13:43

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Well done for standing up to a bully.

Kat1953 · 08/05/2022 13:44

Nope ynbu
I'd have said something straight off the bat tbf

420Bruh · 08/05/2022 13:44

Definitely needed telling. He should be upset, tell your husband not to apologise and ruin the learning experience. This is an opportunity for growth for him.

MaraScottie · 08/05/2022 13:44

What an obvious man child. Well done.

Dfg15 · 08/05/2022 13:44

Definitely needed telling, good for you. Hate loud obnoxious people like that.

MaraScottie · 08/05/2022 13:44

Obnoxious, not obvious!

TibetanTerrah · 08/05/2022 13:45

DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

If no one else is sorry then he doesn't get to do that.

YilingMatriarch · 08/05/2022 13:45

Your DH is a knob, and no wonder this loutish bully gets away with such shocking manners if everyone indulges him.

Antarcticant · 08/05/2022 13:45

You did well to stand up to this embarrassing arch-dickhead.

Nesbo · 08/05/2022 13:46

Tell your DH to tell him he was being a complete twat and to tone it down. Reinforce the lesson, don’t undermine it!

BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 13:46

I don't think DH should be annoyed at you or apologising for you but if he's going out to talk to him about it and he wants to change his ways then that's a good thing.

Pinkywoo · 08/05/2022 13:46

He sounds like a complete twat, and I'd be telling my DH to under no circumstances apologise on my behalf as I meant every word.

BaaMoon · 08/05/2022 13:47

And how do you even make a homophobic comment about a pudding?!

AlisonDonut · 08/05/2022 13:47

He can't apologise on everyone's behalf because nobody else was sorry.

I'd make sure to never go out with him again to be honest.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 08/05/2022 13:47

Tell your DH he has no place apologising for you and that if he does you will simply repeat yourself at the first opportunity.

If he wants to help BIL then he needs to have a more honest conversation with him. Or you'll just assume he is as big an arse as BIL is and will treat him appropriately.

user1477249785 · 08/05/2022 13:47

Yeah I'd be furious at DH and be telling him he needed to make clear that any apology wasn't on my behalf.

3peassuit · 08/05/2022 13:48

He needed to be held to account for his behaviour. Your DH will undo your good work by apologising.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 08/05/2022 13:48

Well done.

Your DH may feel the need to smooth things over but don’t feel like you should. This has been an on going pattern of behaviour and you finally reached your tipping point. Your BIL is misogynistic and homophobic and provably a few other things too. Yes, perhaps it could have been handled better and quieter but that probably wouldn’t have altered his behaviour very much. Hopefully, this will.

Shinyandnew1 · 08/05/2022 13:48

Your BIL is a twat and your DH is no better. I would hate to be married to someone who didn’t have my back. Poor you.

Noshowlomo · 08/05/2022 13:49

You were 100% correct. These arse holes think they’re holding court with their “wit” but they’re embarrassing, ignorant and the ultimate snowflakes (I hate that term but I bet it’s what he calls everyone!)
He needed telling

GoldenEclipse · 08/05/2022 13:49

Tell your DH he not apologising on behalf of you because you meant what you said.

hihellohihello · 08/05/2022 13:49

Sounds like a scene from A League Of Gentleman...you don't live in Royston Vasey do you?

fluffiphlox · 08/05/2022 13:50

From the North East AND the 1970s it would seem. YANBU.

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