To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

[jognburger]

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

Your DH needs to be explaining to his brother that the time when it was OK to make jokes about women drinking pints or men drinking cocktails ended about 30 years ago and his brother might like to consider moving in the 21st century.

YANBU and hopefully you’ll be spared the pleasure of his company at future family events as a result. Be prepared to be asked to apologise personally to his fragile ego though - these people are usually brilliant at dishing out insults dressed up as humour and often have others enabling them because they don’t like it at all when they’re taken to task and usually kick off. Don’t say sorry and don’t fall for the ‘oh you know what Uncle Dave is like’ - he should be the one apologising for his offensive behaviour.

id probably text the brother in law and tell him apologising to everyone would appease the hurt he caused after such homophobic comments, although you understand he probably didn’t intend to be so hurtful

Yanbu op and why the heck is your dh apologising on your behalf. Yeah take the man out for a drink if he's depressed but that's another matter entirely.

So it’s ok if BIL upsets several people with his shitty comments but not ok that he’s upset?
OP, hope your DH doesn’t apologise
As for BIL- if he can dish it out he should be able to take it.
His crappy and snidey remarks are bullying and not a banter.

Good for you that you spoke.

I would have snapped as soon as he made the puff comment.

People like that need pulled up every single time they say a twatty intimidating comment.

I personally would have started with who died and made you drinks police.
I'm amazed you all sat there and let DN bf take so much crap without saying something 😳

I know it sounds too crazy to be true but that’s BIL for you, no self-awareness. He was particularly bad last night. His idea of humour is casual sexism and causal homophobia.

I’ve told DH that I think the drink is a good idea but not to apologise, but to try and make him see sense.

Saying something earlier

Why the hell is your DH apologising for everyone else? Nobody said anything out of turn except your knobhead BIL

I think you need to have a hard word with your DH here, ask him what exactly he is apologising for? Does he think his brothers behavior was acceptable and does he want it to carry on or for him to actually learn how to behave when out?

I’d be bloody livid if my DH apologised on “my behalf” for something I wasn’t sorry for.

@BaaMoon

Apparently a man having strawberry ice cream means he’s gay.

I would be furious about this apology idea. You did nothing wrong and were absolutely right to tell him off, someone should did it a long time ago.

DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

Fuck that.

I’d have applauded you and backed you up. Does your DH generally pander to him?

‘To apologise on everyone’s behalf’….. and thus he is excused and it will be exactly the same next time. Bizarre plan of action!

He can only ‘crucify’ someone if they let him. He’s clearly a weirdo so just don’t take his opinion into account. But good for you for telling him, you clearly shattered his fragile ego 😄

Intrigued to know what flavors of ice cream are suitably 'manly' or if its all ice cream?

I guess Rum and Raisin maybe?

What a prick
Perhaps he’s secretly gay and is so cringe and offensive in some sort of of over compensatory manner

Also think your husband and him just want to go to the pub tbh. Pathetic

I can’t work out who’s the most sexist, your obnoxious BIL or your husband for apologising for the little woman at home stepping out of line.

I do not think your OH should apologise, firstly because there is nothing to apologise for, and secondly it is not his place to be apologising on your behalf - you are not his chattel - if there were apologising to be done (which there isn't) then it would be your job.

My DD has a FIL just like this - family events are grim. I never call him out as I know it would be embarrassing for her and her OH and also for his poor wife - but by golly it is tempting. She has had to be clear with him on occasions - the day he smacked her child stands out - and the day he told her son he was fat (he isn't) - and in between there is the incessant racism, sexism, and the need to be the centre of attention by making fatuous "jokes" and comments very much along the lines of OP's BIL.

What is it with these men?

I just snort laughed my mouthful of tea out.

I'd be telling your DH that he wasn't to apologise on your behalf as you're not in the least sorry.

And maybe if it had been dealt with by the family earlier it wouldn't have got to this stage.

Is he DH's brother or his sister's husband?

You called him out on his sexism and homophobia. Well done you!

Wtf does your DH think he has the right to apologise on your and other's behalf, and why does he even want to?

People who pander to twats like your BIL are part of the problem.

I’d be telling H he could choose between making his homophobic abusive brother happy or keeping his wife on side and a harmonious home life.

Ask him if he’s actually a homophobe and misogynist because there’s nothing to apologise for if he’s not.

I agree

It doesn't sound like anyone is sorry at all

Your dh should not be doing this

He sounds awful. If dh wants to pussyfoot around him then that's on him but I'd be making it clear that to apologise to the BIL on my behalf is unacceptable.