To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

[jognburger]

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

Your DH Is doing what???

Like hell! I hope you made it clear that not only are you not sorry, it was long over due and you'll do it again if he acts like a complete and utter arse again.

FFS

Your DH needs to stop making excuses for him! He’s an absolute twat.

Well done OP!

Isn't that grounds for dismissal?

That's exactly how it came across to me.....working class and from the north east
"Still found his behaviour disgusting"
As if everyone from the north east would be laughing along

@Maireas

wondered that myself, I can only assume it was a casual do and that the boss is similar.

So it's OK for him to humiliate people in public but not OK for the OP to call him out on it?

That's not tolerated even at work social events. He's abusive towards the colleague.

You need to shut these dinosaurs down from the outset. And never apologise for their tender hurt feelings, they're always so much more sensitive than you or I, you know. If my DH was apologising for my behaviour I'd be having a word with him too.

Show old is BIL? Sounds like he isn't super old so 50s at most? Don't think he is an ex miner/that era...

I hope you've told your DH he is not to apologise on anyone's behalf unless he has their express permission, and he is certainly not apologise on your behalf?

OP I'd be telling 'D'H that he'd better not dare apologise on my behalf, and that if he thinks he's going to apologise on everyone else's behalf he should check with them too. It's not DH's job to decide he's going to apologise on behalf of people who may well not want to do so.

So proud of you OP..Well done in not taking his shit, Tell your DH not to apologise on your behalf cos he thorougly deserved it, Good on you girl x

"Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf."
Firstly, it simply is not possible to apologise on someone else's behalf. Either they apologise or they don't. So your husband would be totally talking bollocks, pretending that an apology exists. It doesn't. Secondly, if someone took it upon themselves to apologise for me, I would be so pissed off with them. How very fucking dare them. So I'd be handing your husband his arse for daring to speak - MISspeak -for me when he must know I feel no need to apologise.

"DH is pussyfooting because BIL is recently separated from his wife and mother of his kids and so he’s depressed. I don’t think it’s any excuse. Everybody has hard times in life. I got divorced 10 years ago and it didn’t make me a homophobe."
Depressed my arse. Your husband should be having a long hard look at why his brother's marriage didn't work, and I expect the answer will have a lot to do with his brother's behaviour. In what way is it kind to his brother to downplay that? To encourage him to carry on as he has always been.

"I think DH feels that he’s depressed about his marriage separation and so is in self-destruct mode. Hence why he’s making the comments to intentionally push people away."

"But I’m not to convinced at all, he’s always been like this. On more than one occasion before we moved to another town me and DH would run into him and his mates in the local, and the conversations they would be having were grim."
Then you need to remind your husband that the comments his brother makes now are exactly the same as the comments he has always made, and to give his own head a wobble and stop making excuses for his boorish arsehole brother. I'd encourage him to see that perhaps, if we're all very very lucky, what he is reading as 'depression' in his brother is actually the first spark of 'self-awareness' his brother has ever had, the knowledge that perhaps he drove his wife away, and that it would be deeply unkind of him to smother that spark of self-awareness in his brother by falsely apologising (thus encouraging his brother to continue to be a boor).

I'd leave him in no doubt that is he DARED to apologise for what I said, I would be deeply unhappy and misery loves company so I'd be making damned sure that he'd be as unhappy as me. So he'd better not.

Do you think he has a drink problem @jognburger ?

Your husband sounds like a wet blanket having a go at you and wanting to apologise to his obnoxious brother.

Your DH is a bit caught. You clearly look down on his family and his brother is going through a hard time.

His brother was also completely out of line and beyond disrespectful and you were fine to stand up to him.

If DH wants to go and be with his brother while he has a hard time, fine, he can support him. But he should not be apologizing on anyone's behalf and can see this as a chance to talk to brother about his behaviour and attitude.

He needed telling and your DH is being unreasonable. I would tell him if he apologies to BIL he is essentially saying everything BIL did and said is OK and that he agrees with it. And if that is the case I would be upset with him. I wouldn't want a partner who supports homophobic nd misogynistic comments and behaviour

Think I’d be having a word with the DH. Nobody apologised ‘on my behalf’ when there is no apology to be made.

if he was an arsehole when he was with his wife then her leaving hasn’t really effected that.

your DH is also undermining his niece as she also agreed he’d gone too far.

undermining and invalidating folks opinions won’t help matters.

it just gives him free reign to be a huffy arsehole next time who makes rude comments and then follows them up with ‘oh but I suppose i better not say that or jognburger will get all upset again’…

nah. Keep telling it like it is. Why should you all have to suffer in silence and grit your teeth rather than expect him to keep such comments to himself.

i would be livid at the DH though. :/

Possibly a good idea for your OH to take him out and talk.

To talk about the unacceptable nature of his behaviour.
To talk about the effects of his behaviour on others around him, invitations to future family events.
To see how he can help with his situation post divorce.
To help move him away from getting pissed and offensive at every family event.
To help get him back on the straight and narrow.

But not to apologise for anyones’ behaviour.
A. He brought this upon himself.
B. Your OH cannot apologise for anyone else but himself.

Your BIL needs to be eating large quantities of humble pie and showing that he can attend normal family without resorting to casual racism, sexism and generally making jokes at everyones expense.

And presumably you have pointed that out to your DH who was also apparently mortified by the comments from BIL to the German colleague? Why is your DH so keen to make excuses for his brother?

YANBU, he's a dick. The fact your DH is going for a drink with him to 'apologise' will make BIL think he was in the right and you were in the wrong. No, he needs to be pulled up on his behaviour. Otherwise he will continue to do it.

I don’t know the ins and outs of what occurred at the work do or whether it was a formal party or just a casual get-together. I know that BIL made a joke about a German colleague secretly being a nazi which she was upset by, but he apologised and she accepted it.

I brought it up because this occurred before his separation from his wife, so I think DH’s theory is wrong and is just making excuses.

The irony if your BIL being depressed/annoyed at one comment one time when he delivers a barrage of insults to everyone around him every day. No concern from him how these make others feel.

I'd be telling dh that if he dares apologise on my behalf, this brings an argument into our marriage between us.

Not in my circles it isn’t and I find your comments really rude tbh