To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

[jognburger]

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

He called his daughter's boyfriend a "puff" & nobody said anything or walked out in disgust?

Your husband is going to apologise today "on everyone's behalf?"

What's he going to say "sorry you are an embarrassing homophobic twat"?

^^ This. Absolutely This.

What's Brexit got to do with it?

Your DH can only apologise on behalf of the people that are sorry for what happened. You're not, you called out a bigot and a homophobe for what they are.

Before your DH goes out for this drink with your BiL, please let him know that you'll think less of him if he apologises for your behaviour when it is your BiL that should be apologising to the group, the waiting staff and to the person whose birthday it was that you were all out celebrating.

Perhaps if your BiL didn't have such awful opinions of people and wasn't as vocal in them, (and this bit is a huge leap) but maybe his partner wouldn't have been at the end of their tether and ended their relationship?

You did the right thing OP. I can imagine if your waiter was gay and your BIL is there calling another man a puff he might have felt awful after. What if one of his own children ends up being gay? What an absolute sexist, homophobic idiot.

Your poor nieces boyfriend. I really hope your DH doesn't go through with his plan. BIL upset the poor boyfriend to the extent he didnt drink his drink.

This reminds me of Steve Hughes routine about gays. He absolutely rips the shit of homophobes. Find it on YouTube, there’s a part about having an earring meaning you’re gay.

YANBU. But a bit U to not do it without swearing. Bit scummy that.
I'd be ensuring bil is aware that dh's apology to bil definitely does not include you. And I'd be v pissed off with dh for pandering to him like that.

I'm sorry but the absurdity of this made me laugh. Hopefully your DH can make him see sense.

Does he have a drink problem?

DH should definitely not apologize to his brother but an offer of support is appropriate in the circumstances.

He's lucky he wasn't banned

I hope your BIL has a spare room because DH would be needing it if he apologised for my behaviour!!

I cannot think why your BIL is recently divorced?!?!?!

I'd be telling your husband that he doesn't get to apologise on your behalf or anyone elses behalf, double down and tell him to tell his brother that you still think he is a twat.

I think thats a bit of a reach. She was just setting the scene. She didnt say BIL is a brexity gammon like most people from the north east. She said theyre all from the north east, but most of them are salt of the earth type, except BIL.

The fact theyre from the NE is pretty irrelevent, but lots of people put irrelevent details in posts to set the scene, but it doesnt mean theyre insulting anyone

I dunno. He sounds awful, perfectly absolutely awful like in a book. But then you threw in the who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type which makes you look not very nice either. And now your DH is taking him out to apologise…..

Your dh wants to do what? regardless of his wife leaving him he cant use that to excuse his beahviour its disgusting

If he goes ahead with this ap0ology hes not better than his brother

Hopefully your DH can make him see sense.

That's not what the drinks are for. It's to apologise for OP's 'behaviour'.

I'm from the North East and didn't take any offence from it, and understood exactly what the OP was trying to convey when they said it.

YA definitely NBU. He's a nasty homophobic bully who has too much to say but yet nothing to say. I can't abide comment passers.
Also where's your DHs back bone. Taking him for a drink to apologize everyone's behalf. Not even over my cold dead corpse would anyone be apologizing on my behalf.

He should be the one taking everyone out for a drink to apologise for his behaviour!

The reason I mentioned the family being from the north-east and being working class is because I was making the point that they aren’t particularly woke or anything like that but still found his behaviour disgusting.

Because working class people from the north east are usually all racist, sexist, homophobic oiks?

I would be extracting a cast-iron promise from my DH that he would not be apologising on my (or anyone else's who hasn't expressed regret) behalf. BIL did this to himself and, if he's really 'depressed and distraught' about it then he needs to apologise, not be apologised to!

I think you were very restrained. 'Shut up, you homophobic cunt or I'll ram that cocktail down your throat so hard you'll be shitting unbrellas' wouldn't have been unreasonable in the circumstances.

As for this apology, I'd tell my husband he could apologise himself if he wanted but not to dare presume to apologise for me. If I was sorry, I'd damn well say so.

What the hell is wrong with your OH that he thinks he gets to apologise on BEHALF of other people?! 😯

Bloody awful family. Well done for speaking up.

DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

Please let it be a cocktail.🍹

YANBU, but your DH is.