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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

207 replies

jognburger · 08/05/2022 13:41

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

OP posts:
BadNomad · 08/05/2022 15:36

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 15:25

Because the knob doesn't pick up on social cues - like everyone around him being mortified by his disgusting attitude.

If OP had spoken to him in private he'd have continued his sexist mockery.

You think his attitude will change just because the OP spoke out? He clearly doesn't think he's in the wrong, and her husband is backing him up with his group apology. BIL's family have tolerated his bs for years. They're not going to ostracise him. In reality, all that is going to happen is every family event will have an atmosphere now.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 08/05/2022 15:36

YANBU at all. Always call out this type of shit behaviour. 1972 called and want their jokes back. Knob.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 08/05/2022 15:37

Your dh is a sap.
I would be as furious with him for suggesting bil needs an apology.

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 15:38

@BadNomad that's everyone else's fault for allowing his behaviour, not OP's for speaking up.

At least he won't throw his shitty comments her way now.

Jux · 08/05/2022 15:38

I wonder why his wife left him?

Perhaps he might ponder on that?

jognburger · 08/05/2022 15:39

I felt horrendously sorry for his DN’s boyfriend. Picked on and embarrassed by his girlfriends dad in front of his girlfriend. His DD is going to remember that. Spending £9 on a drink he liked the sound of out of his own money only to given shit by BIL, and then feeling too self-conscious to drink it so he gives it to his girlfriend instead.

OP posts:
TurquoiseSwirl · 08/05/2022 15:40

Tell your DH not to apologise on your behalf. I have family members like this, would never think they are racist or Oo phonic but I no longer have them around my house or will go out in public with them, people like this do exist.

Bobbins36 · 08/05/2022 15:40

Would be telling the DH to categorically NOT apologise on my behalf. He can offer to accept BIL’s apology on behalf of the rest of the people whose dinner was ruined. What a knob.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 08/05/2022 15:41

YANBU, he sounds like an utter dickhead.
Know a few people like that and depending on how well I know either eye roll at them or challenge them.
Their so called "sense of humour. Hmm
Good on you for calling him out!
Oh, and your husband doesn't get to apologise on everybody's behalf!
He can apologise if he doesn't feel BIL has done anything wrong/feels upset for him but he doesn't speak for everyone.

jognburger · 08/05/2022 15:41

He also thinks you can’t enjoy a meal out/pleasant drink without getting slaughtered. Had the meal not been prematurely ended by my snapping at him then he’d have been pressuring everybody to have shots and those who refused would’ve been made fun of.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 08/05/2022 15:42

He sounds like a complete knob. You did the right thing and your DH shouldn’t be apologising.

TheOriginalEmu · 08/05/2022 15:45

Georgeskitchen · 08/05/2022 15:10

I'm less concerned about you BILs walker behaviour an more concerned as to why you compare him to the majority UK voters who democratically voted in a democcratic country, to leave the corrupt cesspit that is the EU.

Don’t be disingenuous: it’s clear what the OP means when talking about the stereotype of a brexiteer who has no idea about the corruption (or not) of the EU, and just wanted all them forriners gone out. A stereotype exists because in some cases it’s true. So this man fits the stereotype. That doesn’t mean the OP is saying everyone who voted for brexit is a homophobic sexist.

Rubyupbeat · 08/05/2022 15:46

Good on you!
I hate the way the word depressed is bandied about, he's just sulking because he knows everyone thinks the same.
I feel sorry for your nieces boyfriend, poor kid.

GoodJanetBadJanet · 08/05/2022 15:46

Apparently a man having strawberry ice cream means he’s gay

sorry but that got an actual lol and a FFS Grin
Now wondering what a "man's" dessert is.
Rocky road maybe, heavy on the manly boulders?!

Notimeforaname · 08/05/2022 15:49

Well for starters people need to stop pussyfooting around him by ordering drinks they do not want. Ridiculous.

You were right to call him out. But make sure your husband understands he is NOT to apologise for you.

You need to manage your expectations here, this man is middle aged, a conversation and a pint with his brother isn't going to "make him see sense " that just wont happen.

You must keep reiterating your point and stand up to him EVERY SINGLE TIME he does something like this. You simply dont accept it. He can run away each time if he likes, that is his choice.

RampantIvy · 08/05/2022 15:49

BIL is recently separated from his wife

Hmm. I wonder why.

Well done for standing up to him, but I wish you had left the "middle aged" ageist comment out.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 08/05/2022 15:50

Wow your DH is apologising on everyone's behalf. I don't think he should do that. I think he should be speaking to his brother frankly. It sounds like part of the problem is he behaves badly, then someone snaps and everyone then rallies round BIL and strokes his ego. Awful.

PinkSyCo · 08/05/2022 15:51

jognburger · 08/05/2022 15:39

I felt horrendously sorry for his DN’s boyfriend. Picked on and embarrassed by his girlfriends dad in front of his girlfriend. His DD is going to remember that. Spending £9 on a drink he liked the sound of out of his own money only to given shit by BIL, and then feeling too self-conscious to drink it so he gives it to his girlfriend instead.

I feel sorry for you because you can’t see that your husband is as sexist as your BIL. Don’t you care that he is belittling you?

Addicted2LuvIsland · 08/05/2022 15:54

I would also tell DH that you do NOT agree to the apology on everyone's behalf to include you. You are definitely NBU. I would argue my point with my partner about this and for my birthday BIL would not be invited.

JudgeJ · 08/05/2022 15:58

420Bruh · 08/05/2022 13:44

Definitely needed telling. He should be upset, tell your husband not to apologise and ruin the learning experience. This is an opportunity for growth for him.

Why did the OP feel the need to apologise to the group?
Why does her OH feel the need to apologise to him on behalf of the group?

Two majors errors that will, in his simple mind, vindicate his behaviour and allow him to feel like the vistim.

JustLyra · 08/05/2022 16:04

If my husband apologised for me in that situation there would be hell to pay.

How dare he take the mantle of apologising too appease his twat brother on behalf of other people.

Neither brother is covering themselves in glory there…

jognburger · 08/05/2022 16:06

I don’t know if he’ll ever learn.

Apparently he upset a German colleague at his works Christmas do as well, making comments and jokes about her nationality. He was telling DH about it afterwards and repeated what he’d said casually, DH was horrified.

OP posts:
jognburger · 08/05/2022 16:11

I think DH feels that he’s depressed about his marriage separation and so is in self-destruct mode. Hence why he’s making the comments to intentionally push people away.

But I’m not to convinced at all, he’s always been like this. On more than one occasion before we moved to another town me and DH would run into him and his mates in the local, and the conversations they would be having were grim.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 08/05/2022 16:13

So keep calling him out each time and dont apologise for it. That is literally the only thing within your control here.

Notimeforaname · 08/05/2022 16:14

You can also control when/if you see him.

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