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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

207 replies

jognburger · 08/05/2022 13:41

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

OP posts:
MzHz · 08/05/2022 16:51

TidyDancer · 08/05/2022 13:43

YANBU and I'd be extremely unhappy if DH went ahead with his plan to apologise. BIL is a tantrumming child.

Me too. Your dh is a total tool for undermining you AND the entire family

fucking right your BIL needs to be sad and ashamed of how he behaved.

tell your h to back the fuck off and let the dust settle and the penny drop with the Neanderthal twat of a brother of his.

jognburger · 08/05/2022 16:52

I don’t think he actually MEANS to upset people. He genuinely thinks it’s funny. He’s one of those types who believes that political correctness has gone mad and ruined everything and that people secretly miss ‘old’ humour. His outspokenness is a personality trait for him.

OP posts:
DaisyQuakeJohnson · 08/05/2022 16:53

jognburger · 08/05/2022 15:26

Okay I admit the Brexit comment was hypocritical and I shouldn’t have mentioned that.

I stand by my mentioning of the north-east though. BIL’s behaviour is more common here and is more accepted.

You're every bit as bigoted as him but he's not on MN asking for plaudits because of his behaviour. Maybe that's why your DH is apologising for you. Your classism and stereotyping are deeply unpleasant.

Nanny0gg · 08/05/2022 16:57

BadNomad · 08/05/2022 15:21

Well, that's going to make family occasions even more awkward and uncomfortable now. I don't know why you thought humiliating him in front of his family was the way to go.

Because the option was for him to carry on upsetting people and humiliating them?

jognburger · 08/05/2022 17:00

@DaisyQuakeJohnson

Oh go away. I’m from an estate in Sunderland. There IS an undertone in this city, are you from the north-east?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 08/05/2022 17:02

I don’t think he actually MEANS to upset people. He genuinely thinks it’s funny. He’s one of those types who believes that political correctness has gone mad and ruined everything and that people secretly miss ‘old’ humour. His outspokenness is a personality trait for him.

Well then there's no problem is there? It's just his personality and your husband has apologised for your trying to stifle his personality.

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 08/05/2022 17:03

Oh so now your bigotry is limited to just the 'undertone' in Sunderland ... or is it all of Sunderland ? Or all of the North-East? I'm sure they're all desperate to know which areas have met your criteria for being dismissed as hotbeds of unacceptable bigotry whilst your bigotry against them should be lauded Hmm

jognburger · 08/05/2022 17:05

And I never said everybody in the north-east is like BIL, I went out of my way to say otherwise actually 🙄

I’m from Sunderland and have lived in different areas in the UK. Attitudes like BIL’s are simply more tolerated in some areas than others. Walk into any pub in the area of Sunderland where I grew up and you’d be horrified overhearing some of the conversations. Newcastle isn’t as bad.

OP posts:
Mellowyellow222 · 08/05/2022 17:05

If my husband apologised for me in these circumstances her wouldn’t be my husband for much longer.

what a patronising arsehole.

LovePoppy · 08/05/2022 17:06

So, your husband agrees with him then, yeah? That’s the only reason I can see him taking him out

Twats. The two of them

jognburger · 08/05/2022 17:07

@DaisyQuakeJohnson

Where are you from?

You are deluded if you think that the north-east is equally as progressive as London. That’s like a Texan being offended that somebody has suggested Texas is less progressive than New York. MN is London-centric, I wanted to make the clarification.

OP posts:
Jalepenojello · 08/05/2022 17:08

I live in a Sunderland town and don’t resonate OP, maybe it’s just the company you keep

SurpriseSurprise · 08/05/2022 17:11

Is he your DHs Brother or was he married to your DHs Sister? Just trying to get the context

If it’s his brother then yeh, go out for a drink with him but FGS try and persuade your DH to show him how awful he was being. Or no one will want to invite him to anything

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/05/2022 17:13

Jalepenojello · 08/05/2022 17:08

I live in a Sunderland town and don’t resonate OP, maybe it’s just the company you keep

Another in the North East who doesn't think the OPs view of the North is wholly accurate.

jognburger · 08/05/2022 17:14

We could argue anecdotes for hours about the north east and attitudes here, but at the end of the day look at the way people here vote politically (not just Brexit) and it’s quite clear that some attitudes ARE more common here.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 08/05/2022 17:16

Doesn’t matter whether he MEANS to say sexist and homophobic things.

DH is almost as bad for bystanding and then apologising, when the only person whose behaviour was shit was his brother! What’s up with that?

tkwal · 08/05/2022 17:16

Someone should have had a word with him long ago. It's about time he realised that what is "just a bit of banter" to him has everyone sitting on edge and unable to enjoy themselves. I would be raging with your DH for trying to appease him. He's effectively apologising for you. Has your BIL ever apologised to anyone upset by one of his "jokes"? I'm willing to bet he hasn't. He's a horrible verbal bully.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/05/2022 17:17

TidyDancer · 08/05/2022 13:43

YANBU and I'd be extremely unhappy if DH went ahead with his plan to apologise. BIL is a tantrumming child.

I agree - I'd be furious if DH apologised for me!

Your BIL sounds an obnoxious tw*t! It's about time somebody took him down a peg, and well done for being the one brave enough to do it.

These people who say things "as a joke" and in "good fun" are nothing but bullies who haven't even the courage to be open about it.

The next time you are out together and he starts, just hold up your hand and say "I have to stop you there" and then say nothing else. Do it every time.

Scurryfunge12 · 08/05/2022 17:18

I think the point of the Brexiteer comment was that a lot of (not all) but a lot of Brexiteers voted for Brexit because they are xenophobic or out and out racists who didn’t want anybody who wasn’t British born living and working here, and I think OP is trying to demonstrate the character of her BIL by saying he’s a stereotypical Brexiteer in that he possesses those types of views.

Doesn’t make the OP horrible. Not every Brexiteer is racist, but every racist is a Brexiteer in my experience.

He sounds absolutely vile, and I hope he felt a right dickhead being called out on his ignorant, bigoted behaviour.

CorsicaDreaming · 08/05/2022 17:20

BIL sounds a nightmare that needed telling.

The 'very depressed' stance reminds me of bullies saying 'but it's only a joke'. 🙄

jognburger · 08/05/2022 17:21

@Scurryfunge12

Spot on and I also didn’t mention that we are from the north-east as a north-east slate. But MN is a very, very London-centric forum and I wanted to give some context.

OP posts:
CockSpadget · 08/05/2022 17:25

I would have lost it at the first homophobic comment tbf.
And for those who are in denial about the North East being generally of a different demographic and tolerance than London just look at Thursdays election results.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/05/2022 17:25

I know that BIL made a joke about a German colleague secretly being a nazi which she was upset by, but he apologised and she accepted it.

I'm not surprised his German colleague was upset - the last war was a terrible, shameful episode for Germany, and it isn't joked about - at all!

They are very aware of the horrific, unspeakable suffering that Nazism caused and it is not and never will be a laughing matter - and rightly so. Some things should never be joked about. That wasn't a "joke" - it was vilely obscene.

I'm not surprised he's separated. Only surprises me that anyone wanted to marry him in the first place.

JennyJumpup · 08/05/2022 17:27

Bravo to you OP. I wish I had the courage to do this with my racist, conspiracy theorist BIL.

Maireas · 08/05/2022 17:28

jognburger · 08/05/2022 16:44

I don’t know the ins and outs of what occurred at the work do or whether it was a formal party or just a casual get-together. I know that BIL made a joke about a German colleague secretly being a nazi which she was upset by, but he apologised and she accepted it.

I brought it up because this occurred before his separation from his wife, so I think DH’s theory is wrong and is just making excuses.

Ye. Gods.
Calling a German colleague a secret Nazi?
Your husband wants to apologise to this man?.

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