To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

[jognburger]

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

I explicitly stated all of my DH’s family are lovely except BIL. But I’m from the north-east myself and if you are as well then you must know that this stuff is more tolerated up here than it would be in London.

Why is your DH taking his DB for a drink to apologise?

DB should be taking his DD's BF for a drink to apologise!

He does sound like a knuckle dragger but 'humilated us to the waiter' is a bit over sensitive.

Also where's your DHs back bone. Taking him for a drink to apologize everyone's behalf. Not even over my cold dead corpse would anyone be apologizing on my behalf.

Quite. Even more disturbing is that the only apology necessary or warranted is one from BIL. If anyone for one minute thought they could apologise on my behalf in these circumstances they would rue the day.

So would I!

Your BIL is a twat. I would be doing everything in my power to spend as little time as possible in his company from now on. On occasions when I did have to be in his company I would order whatever I wished to have to drink or eat, and would pull him up sharply if he dared to comment again.

You were not being unreasonable. Well done for standing up to him.

Your DH doesn't get to apologise for anyone else. By apologising, he's enabling BIL's sexist, mysoginistic and homophobic behaviour - he doesn't have the right to put that on anyone else.

I bet if he does apologise, BIL will ramp it up and feel very smug at the next gathering, knowing he has that support. 🙄

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. yabu for this unnecessary and judgemental snippet of information.
The only thing I think you did wrong, which we are all guilty of, is letting it brew into a telling off resulting in a storming out. I have a relative who sounds like your bil, and each time he makes a sexist / racist comment I just tell him it isn't acceptable. It doesn't result in a big argument that way.

UGH. I have a BIL like this too except he is also racist - think of jokes ending with the 'n-word'. A vile creature and also narcissistic. Sadly, everyone indulges him because 'that's just who he is'. I refuse to socialise with him.

YANBU. Your BIL sounds like a deeply insecure man. Your DH has no right to apologise on anyone else's behalf. He should reach out to him, however, and bring him over to the current century, and try to see why your BIL is acting like a macho-obsessed idiot.

As someone above said, I hope their drink of choice is cocktails 🍸

I'm less concerned about you BILs walker behaviour an more concerned as to why you compare him to the majority UK voters who democratically voted in a democcratic country, to leave the corrupt cesspit that is the EU.

*WANKER not walker

Well done you for standing up to a bully. BIL is just trying to save face and appear shocked and your DH needs to grow a set and stand by you rather than apologise for everyone.

YANBU and well done. Reading your post, I wanted to shout at him too and I've never met him! Your dh can apologise on his own behalf if he must, but tell him not to apologise on yours.

What he’s taking him for a drink to apologise? I think he just wants to smooth it over but if he does this he thinks his behaviour is ok and it’s not he’s a wanker . I’d tell dh yes there is someone unreasonable here but it’s not you op .

This - bill is a homophobic sexist pig and needs to be outcast not apologised to

he should be apologising for his shit (bil) and buying all a drink and apologising not the other way around

I'm another person from the North East and am in no way offended by OP referencing working class people from the NE. I only have to read the comments on my local echo's Facebook page to know that I'm surrounded by people like OP's BIL.

Well, that's going to make family occasions even more awkward and uncomfortable now. I don't know why you thought humiliating him in front of his family was the way to go.

YANBU and your DH is BU. I would be very pissed off with my DH if he 'apologised on my behalf'.

Perhaps ask why your DH hasn't asked his DB? to tone down his shit 'jokes' aka homo phobic/sexist language in the past.

Good on you, OP. You said what everyone was thinking. If he's got this far in life without any self-awareness, it was a long time coming.

Your OH shouldn't be apologising on behalf of everyone. For a start, you don't want to apologise, do you?

He can take him for a drink and chat about how it's a shame that things went down the way they did, but at least he can use this as an opportunity to change his behaviour. He shouldn't take him for a drink to say sorry.

Even if he's just apologising for himself, I'd feel cross. Saying sorry is accepting all the slurs he said as being OK. They're not OK.

Because the knob doesn't pick up on social cues - like everyone around him being mortified by his disgusting attitude.

If OP had spoken to him in private he'd have continued his sexist mockery.

Okay I admit the Brexit comment was hypocritical and I shouldn’t have mentioned that.

I stand by my mentioning of the north-east though. BIL’s behaviour is more common here and is more accepted.

My husband's brother (I find it hard to believe they are related sometimes) is racist, homophobic and condescending to anyone who earns less than a six figure salary, doesn't live in the home counties or own their own large detached house.

I can't stand him and have made it clear that I don't find his jokes and innuendo about same sex couples and people of colour the least bit amusing. His wife cringes but says nothing.

The way I deal with it is not to accept any invitations to events he will be at. I can do without having to socialise with a person I despise.

Your DH would be kinder by explaining to him why his jokes upset people & what would have been a more congenial way to behave. Your BIL obviously needs support at the moment and your DH would be doing him a favour by telling him how not to alienate people.

Everyone in your family has the ability to not to socialise with him, and to say why.

If your DH is a misogynist and homophobe enabler, thrn I wouldn't be looking at him in a very good light either.

You were right to stand up to him, and as a working class Northerner I have no problem with you describing thick, ignorant bigots like your BIL in the way you have. Sounds like he voted Tory, which if he's in the NE then that's a turkey voting for christmas.