To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

[jognburger]

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

Well done you. He sounds awful

They're allowed to get away with it.

YANBU. BIL is not depressed and distraught due to you calling out his homophobia. Your DH needs to stop pandering

Bil is depressed and distraught because you called him out on being an obnoxious twat! Assclown! He’s only said that because he knows he’s pissed off everyone. Even his own daughter told him he’d gone too far. Hopefully this will make him change his act. Why does he behave like this? Is he secretly gay?

Your DH has no authority or indeed right to apologise on behalf of everyone else and I'd make sure that he knew that and he was to make NO apology for anyone other than himself, though why he would apologise when BIL acted like a complete embarrassing wanker making everyone, including the waiter, uncomfortable would make me question his character.

I'd also refuse to go out anywhere with BIL again.

The reason I mentioned the family being from the north-east and being working class is because I was making the point that they aren’t particularly woke or anything like that but still found his behaviour disgusting.

DH is pussyfooting because BIL is recently separated from his wife and mother of his kids and so he’s depressed. I don’t think it’s any excuse. Everybody has hard times in life. I got divorced 10 years ago and it didn’t make me a homophobe.

What an obnoxious bullying prick. Can dish it out but can’t take it. The fact your DH is taking his side in this is ridiculous.

BIL needs to be apologising to everyone, not the other way around. I’m amazed you didn’t dump the peroni on his head. I’m a lifelong depressive and not once have I behaved like him: being a wanker is who he is, it’s not suddenly landed upon him as a result of divorce.

I would be LIVID with my husband if he dared take this fuckwit out to apologise on my behalf.

Good on his wife for refusing to take his shit any more.

Now for his family. . .

God help anyone who has the temerity to apologise on my behalf, how dare your DH presume to do so on yours!

I would absolutely refuse to ever be around your BIL again. FFS, we have to make a stand against people like him.

He's a nasty homophobic scumbag. Well done OP. The world needs more of this.

I assume the BIL is your dhs brother? In which case he should take him out. Not to apologise but to explain to him that he’s going to lose everybody else in his life if he doesn’t change his ways. Your dh needs to talk straight to him to be kind in the long run.

If BIL doesn't want to be distressed and distraught at being called out for behaving like a wanker then the simple answer is not to behave like one.

Whatever is going on his life there is NO excuse for behaving the way he did, I'd would think a hell of a lot less of my DH for apologising, taking BIL's side, and soothing his hurt feelings, does your DH spare a thought for the other people who were offended and upset by his brother's comments and actions?

I know just the type! Poor you. And now he's playing the victim lol

who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type .

The irony. You sound well matched, op.

The reason I mentioned the family being from the north-east and being working class is because I was making the point that they aren’t particularly woke or anything like that but still found his behaviour disgusting.

That's even more insulting!

It sounds as though you're saying working class people from the north-east aren't particularly conscious of anything outside of their own box.

I get this is probably not what you mean, but it's how it comes across.

I'd be incandescent if DH apologised "on my behalf" for anything. I mean he would never, because he's not a raging misogynist, but if he had some kind of personality transplant and did this then I would be following up with a message to BIL to clarify that DH does not speak on my behalf or anyone else's and that I stand by everything I said.

I wouldn't get distracted by the obnoxious BIL. It sounds like you've got big problems closer to home.

Your dh is in the wrong if he’s going to apologise to him

Your Husband is very foolish and doing his DB no favours whatsoever,

Rather than apologising to DB, he should be educating him, so that he understand that (irrespective of his intention) homophobic comments can be illegal and amount to a hate crime.

Do not let him undo all your good work.

It sounds as though you're saying working class people from the north-east aren't particularly conscious of anything outside of their own box.

Oh I don't think so. She's saying they don't live in a bubble where everyone is mealy-mouthed - they're not easily shocked. My background is analogous and this wouldn't offend me.

He sounds odious and homophobic to boot.
And your DH is an idiot if he apologises on everyone’s behalf. Your awful BIL should in fact be apologising for his awful behaviour. I’d be insisting to DH that he categorically DOES NOT apologise on behalf of me.

He had no right to say what he did.

Your husband has no right to apologise on anyone else's behalf.

Absolutely DO NOT let DH apologise for you, or anyone else. What a prick your bil is!

Tell your DH that under no circumstances should he apologise to BIL on your behalf because you meant every word about his behaviour and you'd say it again if the same situation arises.