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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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To have had a go at BIL in the restaurant

207 replies

jognburger · 08/05/2022 13:41

Was out with DH’s family yesterday for somebody’s birthday. A restaurant, party of 15.

DH’s family are from the north-east and very working class salt of the earth folk. They are all lovely except one BIL who is the stereotypical middle aged Brexiteer type. Usually everybody just grits their teeth and pretends to laugh at his obnoxious jokes but he was a fucking nightmare last night. He was on form.

First, I like lager. At an Italian restaurant I will always have a peroni as my first drink. I was dreading ordering the peroni as I knew he’d have something to say about it. “You can’t have a pint, you’ll never finish it!!!! Get a half!”. I actually just ignored him. DH’s nieces boyfriend ordered a cocktail (and he was very open about the fact that he’d pay for it separately so that nobody would be subsidising it when the bill came, so it shouldn’t have been an issue at all) and got absolutely crucified by BIL. Endless, unfunny jokes. BIL was on his 3rd pint by the time the cocktail came and when the waiter (a different one to who took the drinks order) asked who the cocktail was for BIL pointed at niece’s boyfriend and said “It’s for this puff over here!”, he thought it was hilarious and laughed out loud expecting everybody else to join in. The waiter looked horrified and everybody else was mortified. My beer came in a tankard and you can bet you bottom dollar he made a comment about it not being a ‘ladies glass’.

DH’s nieces boyfriend barely touched his cocktail after that and gave it to his girlfriend after 2 sips, I think because he knew if BIL saw him drinking it he’d give him more shit.

For my second drink I ordered a gin and tonic rather than the peroni I actually wanted to avoid being made fun of. When he made another snide, homophobic comment about somebody’s dessert I snapped. Can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of “Do you ever change the fucking record? Not one person has laughed at your shit tonight and your kids are clearly embarrassed by you.” He got annoyed and said it was all a joke and in good fun then said to his DD “I’m not embarrassing you am I?”. She admitted that he had been taking it too far and he stormed out.

I then apologised to the table but they were in fact all in agreement with me. He’d taken it too far, didn’t get the hint that nobody was laughing, humiliated us to the waiter and was being obnoxious.

Today DH is annoyed with me because he’s spoken to BIL and BIL is apparently depressed and distraught. DH is taking him for a drink later to apologise on everybody’s behalf.

AIBU to think he needed telling

OP posts:
Maireas · 08/05/2022 17:30

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/05/2022 17:13

Another in the North East who doesn't think the OPs view of the North is wholly accurate.

Thank god. That's quite a dreadful picture OP has painted.

RampantIvy · 08/05/2022 17:32

But MN is a very, very London-centric forum

I don't disagree with you there, but I'm a little disappointed that you think the North East is full of homophobic bigots. DH is from Northumberland, and DD is at university in Newcastle, and we have never come across the homophobia that you mention. I think maybe it is your BIL who is an arsehole.

RampantIvy · 08/05/2022 17:33

Cross posted. I agree it must be the company you keep @jognburger.

ImaniMumsnet · 08/05/2022 17:34

Hi all,

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread but we will be closing it now as it is not going too well.

Also just a gentle reminder to remember our Talkguidelines.

BronwenFrideswide · 08/05/2022 17:35

I know that BIL made a joke about a German colleague secretly being a nazi which she was upset by, but he apologised and she accepted it.

I brought it up because this occurred before his separation from his wife, so I think DH’s theory is wrong and is just making excuses.

JFC that is an appalling comment, and your DH wants to soothe the hurt feelings of this low life? I personally wouldn't have anything to do with him at all and would view with distaste anyone who did including my husband.

Happityhap · 08/05/2022 17:35

Please say DH has seen sense and will tell BiL he brought it on himself.

'Insults ain't funny, mate.'

Maireas · 08/05/2022 17:36

jognburger · 08/05/2022 16:52

I don’t think he actually MEANS to upset people. He genuinely thinks it’s funny. He’s one of those types who believes that political correctness has gone mad and ruined everything and that people secretly miss ‘old’ humour. His outspokenness is a personality trait for him.

No, being abusive, homophobic and racist is not a personality trait. Don't excuse it.
Adults choose what they say, and he chooses to make comments that are at the very least insensitive, at worst inflammatory.
I don't believe most people in the Sunderland area are like this.

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