AIBU ? Why won’t DH commit to a holiday? No holiday in 4 years !

[Littepinkyogapants]

Been married to DH 2 years
Dated for 18 months before marriage.

We have one DS ( aged 1)
DH has two children DSD 12 . DSS 17

We have never been on holiday . Now I get covid happened but I can’t get DH to ever book a holiday and it always ends up in an argument .I’m at my wits end .

Im on maternity ( I’m A teacher ) I go back to work in September. This is my chance to have a cheap holiday in term time .DH has two weeks off in June but he won’t book a holiday.

My birthday is in June. We never had a honeymoon ….I’m desperate for a break . We
can afford a holiday. …

DH says he feels too guilty to go on holiday without his children .So I said - well let’s book a holiday in August during the school holidays . He won’t commit to that .

Anyway.

I am desperate to go away in June . We can go for £900 all inclusive and I’ll pay as I have been saving !!!!!!
He still won’t commit . Refuses to talk about it and always says ‘ I feel bad about my children ‘
Yet we have agreed we will go on holiday with them in August!?

I know truthfully as does he - its
extremely unlikely that we will
go away in august because he will find some Excuse not to go.

(Even if we do go it will be stressful as DH and DSS don’t always get on and I know I’ll be the one looking after DSD. )

i think I deserve a break in June as I never got a honey moon. Im a good wife and mum and step mum and I want a bloody holiday . Yet DH is acting as if I’m being unreasonable and keeps telling me - ‘Just drop it. we will sort something ! ‘

Am I selfish ?
Am I weak ?
What would you do ???
or am I wrong here ???

I haven’t been on holiday in over 4 years and I feel DH is the one stopping me. I appreciate he has children and would be happy to book a family holiday for us all in august but he wont commit . We both have time off in June and can get away cheaply - he can explain to his children this is our honey moon and we are all going to go away in August…

im sick of limiting my life experience of going on holiday because DH is not Able to commit.

step childrens mother goes on holiday with her husband without the children.

Op are you willing to share where you have booked to? I am a holiday obsessive and love reading about other people's holidays vicariously!

And good on you for making your feelings so clear. I am really pleased for you.

Go on your own then.

Maybe he's worried about spending money, even if it's yours on luxuries at the moment.

OP so you have been on holiday just not abroad….!

He’s scared of flying. 100%.

Glad you’ve booked something and I hope it all goes well!

I'm so glad he listened to you and you were able to book.

Not quite the same but my mum wants to travel and my dad won't admit it but is scared of flying so they've done a few cruises but now covid has given him the perfect excuse. He would be happy to just stay home 24/7 whereas my mum loves to do things. It wouldn't be so bad if she could go herself but he doesn't want her doing anything without him. I love my dad but can't believe she's lasted 50 years married to him.

Agreed

Glad you got your holiday booked OP.

Your husband is probably just an anxious traveler and doesn't enjoy the idea of looking forward to a holiday. My DH is the same. It's irritating. But now I've met him in the middle as since we had children I'm equally anxious as they both have multiple food allergies and carry epi pens so I'm scared to take them anywhere that English isn't a first language.

I really really miss travelling. I'm going away for a long weekend with friends this summer without kids so I'm so excited about that

Go without him.

I've been married nearly 40 years. My husband dislikes holidays. He travelled as a lot for work and to relax he likes his own bed and his own things around him and to be surrounded by people and places he knows. Business travel also gave him a taste for first class flights and 5 star hotels which we can't afford from our own income.

We had a few holidays together when we were younger but as soon as we could afford it we built a second home in the village his mum comes from and that became our regular family holiday spot.

I'm not like my DH. I want to travel and see more of the world and I don't mind roughing it a bit occasionally. When the DC were little I would take them away on my own, sometimes to U.K. holiday camps, occasionally a cheap and cheerful all inclusive somewhere sunny. Now they are adults I sometimes holiday with them (yoga trip in Santorini with the youngest coming up), sometimes with mates (off to Seville soon) and sometimes on my own - I had a fantastic 3 weeks touring Canada before CoVid and I can't wait to book another trip.

100% I would go on my own
I’d also spend a chunk of time thinking if this is the only problem in the relationship ,and is it worth hanging on to

I asked why you’d never been on holiday pre covid or pre children and your response was

We had uk breaks but never got away abroad . I just don’t think the idea of a holiday abroad really excites him .

So he didn’t mislead you by making out holidays were remotely something he enjoyed. Indeed, you never booked one in the days before covid or children.

so now you’re suddenly desperate to go, but he is simply as he has always been, unenthused about foreign holidays and never having presented himself as otherwise, and you’re angry at him

@SafelySoftly

a lot of people don’t really class holidays in the uk as a proper holiday. I don’t really. The weather is too unpredictable, it’s the exact same culture that you live in everyday and everything is so expensive.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4545605-to-not-want-to-go-on-holiday-ever-again

Many mumsnetters share his stance.

@tomatoandherbs

shes got every right to be. I would be. I couldn’t be with someone so enthused by the foreign travel.

Does he have a valid passport? I'd book and accept he may or may not join you when the time comes. I'd make it clear he's feeling guilty his kids would miss out but his wife and kid is missing out when he won't commit.

But she knew he was unenthused BEFORE they were married, before covid, before children.

the op never even booked one for the two of them when they were in first flush of romance.

i agree. I could never be with someone unenthused about holidays. But she knew this about him right from the start

I hate theme parks. Despise them.

So it’s like my partner of 4 years suddenly getting angry that I’m not joining him on a trip to a theme park.

even though we’ve NEVER been before. Even when we were completely free and available to. And indeed he NEVER even booked a theme park visit in the honeymoon period so I had no idea important to him!

I'd go on my own or with others. I did precisely that and it was the kick up the arse DH needed. I booked a holiday to visit family abroad and literally said I was booking the flights, if he wanted to come say yes, if not say no. Credit card in hand. He stuttered yes. He came around to the idea and by the time we went he had a guidebook in one hand and some rudimentary phrases to say.

I'd also taken city breaks alone as I was tired of his disinterest. When he realised I would not stop my life for him, he started coming along.

Life's for living, OP. Not sitting stuck with sulky men who use their children as an excuse to never do anything. Some people would sit still and do nothing until they die.

“Life's for living, OP. Not sitting stuck with sulky men who use their children as an excuse to never do anything. Some people would sit still and do nothing until they die.”

so true

ODFOD.

Just because I have no desire to go and lie on a beach somewhere hot for two weeks doesn't mean I'm "interminably dull". You might not have those kinds of holidays but many, many people do and I fail to see how a fortnight of sunbathing somewhere hot once a year makes them more interesting than me. I'm intelligent, have an interesting job, a wide range of interests and great friends. People seem to enjoy my company and seek it out. Bizarre really considering I'm so "interminably dull" for not particularly enjoying a holiday........they must really force themselves to spend time with me.

FFS.

I completely understand why some folk enjoy a good holiday and I don't begrudge them it. It takes all sorts and there's nothing wrong with either view. But this constantly sneery attitude to those of us who don't enjoy holidays is just fucking rude.

@SpidersAreShitheads

none if that would matter though if you were OP’s partner or my partner.

I’d find someone who refused to travel and see different places of the world really dull and I wouldn’t wanna be with them long term.

Some people do love holidays and if their parent consistently refused to go it would be a dealbreaker to the relationship. Why live your life with someone who doesn’t share your priorities and pleasures?

Ridiculous

soneone doesn’t enjoy something I do, therefore they must be dull??

ffs

You're misunderstanding me.

I completely understand and agree that someone who wants to travel and enjoy overseas holidays isn't very compatible with someone who doesn't enjoy them and just doesn't want to go. I absolutely accept that for many people, an overseas holiday is an important and integral part of their lives.

No judgement from me. And there are limits to how much you should compromise to be with a partner because otherwise resentment builds. It's normal to want to share your holidays with a partner, and a lifetime of not being able to do that could really affect a relationship.

I agree that differences are fine in a relationship but core values matter and if you're passionate about holidays and travel, of course this would be a deal breaker.

No question.

But what I take HUGE and serious offence to is the accusation - which you've just repeated - that you'd find me "dull" because I don't like travel. It's rude and sneery and just bloody horrible actually. I have many faults, many, but being dull doesn't tend to be one of them. If you were in a relationship with me, of course you'd feel stifled because we couldn't travel together and I understand that totally. But you, and PP, sneering and saying that people who don't travel are dull and uninteresting is quite honestly ridiculous, insulting and rude. As I previously said, lots of people just go and plonk their arse on a beach for two weeks and I fail to see how that single act makes them a more interesting person than me?!

It's two different issues. Yes, I agree that people who like to travel shouldn't be confined by those who hate it. But no I don't agree that not enjoying travel makes you dull. It's the latter I object to.

And for what it's worth, I love reading travel books and hearing about people going on holiday so I have no judgement at all from people who enjoy it. Live your life. Have fun. But don't you dare to judge me as "dull" because I'm different to you.

@SpidersAreShitheads

Really good post
I LOVE holidays but I completely appreciate your stance and certainly don’t consider those you don’t like to travel as dull

Thank you @tomatoandherbs, I really appreciate that very much.

I haven't mentioned the reason before because it shouldn't really matter but I'm autistic and have ADHD, and quite honestly I find the whole process of going on holiday just overwhelming and overstimulating.

A holiday and all that it brings, is a LOT for me to manage and it just isn't enjoyable. But that's why I'm probably quite sensitive to the criticism of just being a shit and boring person because I don't enjoy travelling around.

Fair enough but surely you would make sure any partner was aware of your dislike of holidays?

It would be a dealbreaker for me, I couldn't be with a partner who doesn't like holidays as I love to get away from day to day life, it doesn't matter if it's in the UK or abroad (although I love going abroad, particularly the Caribbean) where I don't have to worry about anything, can see different things, try different foods and just relax. It's probably the only time I truly unwind, and if that can be in the sun with a book even better

Getting away does wonders for my mental health. I couldn't give that up, and would want to enjoy it with my partner