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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ? Why won’t DH commit to a holiday? No holiday in 4 years !

205 replies

Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 09:20

Been married to DH 2 years
Dated for 18 months before marriage.

We have one DS ( aged 1)
DH has two children DSD 12 . DSS 17

We have never been on holiday . Now I get covid happened but I can’t get DH to ever book a holiday and it always ends up in an argument .I’m at my wits end .

Im on maternity ( I’m A teacher ) I go back to work in September. This is my chance to have a cheap holiday in term time .DH has two weeks off in June but he won’t book a holiday.

My birthday is in June. We never had a honeymoon ….I’m desperate for a break . We
can afford a holiday. …

DH says he feels too guilty to go on holiday without his children .So I said - well let’s book a holiday in August during the school holidays . He won’t commit to that .

Anyway.

I am desperate to go away in June . We can go for £900 all inclusive and I’ll pay as I have been saving !!!!!!
He still won’t commit . Refuses to talk about it and always says ‘ I feel bad about my children ‘
Yet we have agreed we will go on holiday with them in August!?

I know truthfully as does he - its
extremely unlikely that we will
go away in august because he will find some Excuse not to go.

(Even if we do go it will be stressful as DH and DSS don’t always get on and I know I’ll be the one looking after DSD. )

i think I deserve a break in June as I never got a honey moon. Im a good wife and mum and step mum and I want a bloody holiday . Yet DH is acting as if I’m being unreasonable and keeps telling me - ‘Just drop it. we will sort something ! ‘

Am I selfish ?
Am I weak ?
What would you do ???
or am I wrong here ???

I haven’t been on holiday in over 4 years and I feel DH is the one stopping me. I appreciate he has children and would be happy to book a family holiday for us all in august but he wont commit . We both have time off in June and can get away cheaply - he can explain to his children this is our honey moon and we are all going to go away in August…

im sick of limiting my life experience of going on holiday because DH is not Able to commit.

step childrens mother goes on holiday with her husband without the children.

OP posts:
DolphinaPD · 08/05/2022 10:45

Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 09:20

Been married to DH 2 years
Dated for 18 months before marriage.

We have one DS ( aged 1)
DH has two children DSD 12 . DSS 17

We have never been on holiday . Now I get covid happened but I can’t get DH to ever book a holiday and it always ends up in an argument .I’m at my wits end .

Im on maternity ( I’m A teacher ) I go back to work in September. This is my chance to have a cheap holiday in term time .DH has two weeks off in June but he won’t book a holiday.

My birthday is in June. We never had a honeymoon ….I’m desperate for a break . We
can afford a holiday. …

DH says he feels too guilty to go on holiday without his children .So I said - well let’s book a holiday in August during the school holidays . He won’t commit to that .

Anyway.

I am desperate to go away in June . We can go for £900 all inclusive and I’ll pay as I have been saving !!!!!!
He still won’t commit . Refuses to talk about it and always says ‘ I feel bad about my children ‘
Yet we have agreed we will go on holiday with them in August!?

I know truthfully as does he - its
extremely unlikely that we will
go away in august because he will find some Excuse not to go.

(Even if we do go it will be stressful as DH and DSS don’t always get on and I know I’ll be the one looking after DSD. )

i think I deserve a break in June as I never got a honey moon. Im a good wife and mum and step mum and I want a bloody holiday . Yet DH is acting as if I’m being unreasonable and keeps telling me - ‘Just drop it. we will sort something ! ‘

Am I selfish ?
Am I weak ?
What would you do ???
or am I wrong here ???

I haven’t been on holiday in over 4 years and I feel DH is the one stopping me. I appreciate he has children and would be happy to book a family holiday for us all in august but he wont commit . We both have time off in June and can get away cheaply - he can explain to his children this is our honey moon and we are all going to go away in August…

im sick of limiting my life experience of going on holiday because DH is not Able to commit.

step childrens mother goes on holiday with her husband without the children.

I'd go without him.

bellac11 · 08/05/2022 10:47

Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 10:42

@Onwards22
You hit the nail on the head

‘he needs to stop delaying things and just say he doesn’t want to go so you’re not waiting for him.’

because this is the crux . If he doesn’t want to go - tell me and I can drop it and I can get excited to book a holiday . I’m just stuck waiting .

We have joint finances .
mom not willing to pay £4K to book a family holiday of 5 in august with worry that DH won’t come and I’ll have to take everyone on holiday. I love the step children but don’t think they world come on holiday with me alone without their dad . I think DSD would but I’d be terrified if anything went wrong as I’m not their birth parent . Eg /
medical emergency.

Oh for gods sake, book a self catering cottage, it will cost about 800 to 1k somewhere nice like Wales or the peak district

Who are these people going on 4k holidays and thinking if they cant afford that then its no holiday

Its a different issue if they dont want to come without dad, thats fair enough but dont make excuses about holiday cost or medical emergencies, what do you think step parents do all the time? You risk sounding like your husband now.

IncompleteSenten · 08/05/2022 10:49

At this point I would say look, it's clear you don't actually want to go on holiday. That's fine. You just needed to say that.
I'm going to book something for me and the baby and we'll go away on our own. You can stay here.

DolphinaPD · 08/05/2022 10:51

Actually, I'd consider leaving the baby with him too and going completely on my own for a real holiday.

BlueOverYellow · 08/05/2022 10:52

Book 2 weeks in June and take your 1 year old and have a lovely time. Tell him he can come if he wants, there's nothing wrong with him having a holiday when his other children are in school. Nothing.

You only this time once with your little one. Take it!

He can book another trip away with them in August if he feels guilty about it.

PriestessofPing · 08/05/2022 10:53

I think it’s sad that your step kids don’t seem to have any holiday if their mum goes without them and your husband won’t go on holiday. He sounds anxious with things about Covid or the war in Ukraine.

Id go ahead and book the June holiday but he really should take his kids away if he can afford to in August. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy or abroad, why can’t he take them somewhere in the U.K. for example? After the two years we’ve all just had it seems really shit he won’t take them as well as shit he won’t go with you in June.

WouldBeGood · 08/05/2022 10:54

Book the holiday and go yourself. tell him he can come if he wants.

Ive just done this very thing 😃

otherusername · 08/05/2022 10:58

Go without him! Either just you and your child, or do you have a friend that would want to go too, if they have small kids too you could take turns keeping an eye on each others kids to have a bit of a break? Or take your mum?

MaChienEstUnDick · 08/05/2022 10:59

Book the holiday in June and go! He can come or not come. Is there someone else that would go with you?

August, while I do agree it's not ideal that his kids don't get a holiday, that's not your problem to solve. Have a look at some options (cheap, UK) and send them to DH then the ball is in his court.

FoundationClassic529 · 08/05/2022 11:00

Book holiday & go yourself or invite friend or other family member

You have the money, so go

Original poster
Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 11:01

@bellac11
i am not making excuses about money. We have money . But I’m not paying £4K to go on a holiday which then won’t happen incase step children won’t come with out Their dad .

if you think it’s not a huge responsibility taking children away without their parent then I think you are brave . But it’s too much pressure . I know that DSD has medical needs and I’m not confident even after 4 years without her dad . I don’t know why you have to be so mean .

Im not wanting to book a self catering holiday where i can cook and be the bloody house maid . If DH wants to take us on holiday in august he can be part of the booking process !

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 08/05/2022 11:03

Or you could let him know you’re looking at holidays for single parents. That way you can meet other parents who are holidaying alone with their kids. Bet he wouldn’t like the sound of that.

On a less bitchy note though - even though I think he should make an effort, would he even be fun to go on holiday with if he’s this against it? Or would he stress and bring you down the whole time anyway? I had a partner once who was dead set against even days out with the kids or going away for a night. The very few times I dragged him out he made it rubbish with his downer attitude and being stressy and arsey with everyone.

HMSSophia · 08/05/2022 11:03

It's not about the holiday is it. It's about your sense that DH doesn't value or want to appreciate you as a good wife and step mother, who never got a honeymoon. You're feeling unvalued. You want your DH "to take us on holiday". You don't want a holiday for its own sake but as a symbol. Own your own needs!

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 08/05/2022 11:05

MN where holidays are compulsory.

WonderingWanda · 08/05/2022 11:09

That is rubbish op. I am sure you don't want to spend the rest of your life not going on holidays or only doing self catering so this is a big deal. You need him to explain if there is a genuine reason why he can't commit to this. Then you can decide what to do. If it's anxiety related will he get treatment? Would you be happy holidaying without him but maybe a friend instead? If it's just about him notbeing fussed then I guess it boils down to will he do it to make you happy? He has got to open up to you.

Original poster
Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 11:12

You are totally right . I just broke down in tears and told DH I can’t cope with feeling like I’m taken for granted whilst trying to make everyone else happy.

i explained the way he closes me down when I try and chat about the holiday makes me feel worthless and I am feeling undervalued
. He said - we will book a holiday tonight . If we do not . I’m booking one tomorrow.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 11:14

When you first got together
did you not go away on holiday ever?

confusedlots · 08/05/2022 11:16

My DH came from a family where they holidayed in the UK, self catering holidays, days out with packed lunches etc. Not saying there's anything wrong with that and I certainly didn't come from a family who took 2 or 3 foreign holidays a year, but we did go to Spain a few times as children, and once to America.

It was a real sticking point when we got married as he just wanted to continue with the type of family holiday he was used to, and I'm happy to do that once in a while but I also look forward to a foreign holiday where I can have food made for me etc.

He's softened a bit now but only because he knows that's the sort of holiday I like, he wouldn't be that bothered if I didn't push it. Unfortunately COVID has got in the way and we're now in the middle of expensive house renovations, but I'm adamant that we are having a foreign holiday next year.

In your position, I would tell him again that you're all going to be going on holiday in June. If he wants some input as to where you go then he needs to speak up now, otherwise you're booking it this week. And leave it at that, no further discussions as you'll just get more and more frustrated

Sally872 · 08/05/2022 11:17

That's rubbish and if affordable to go in Aug then it sounds like he is making excuses. If too expensive in Aug he should absolutely go in June as there will be no other opportunity for a term time holiday.

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 11:18

Ok so his last holiday was before he met you

you two have NEVER been on holiday together
and you’re married
so surely you got a hint of this before you married?

Moodycow78 · 08/05/2022 11:19

bellac11 · 08/05/2022 09:27

Ive learnt that some people, dont like holidays.

I dont understand it myself but this is what Ive learned

So book for yourself,, your step children and your child and go away. He'll have a little break or not at home

Also you need to clarify what you mean by holiday. I mean going away from home, whether that is in the UK or not. Some people dont like flying or being out of the country, has he said why he doesnt like holidays or is it the type of holiday he doesnt like or the place?

Oh god no just book for yourself and your DC, you don't need to look after his other kids for him! It's your holiday! Xx

Starseeking · 08/05/2022 11:20

You shouldn't have to go away on your own with a 1 year old because your DH won't commit to one. You are not a single mother, and he shouldn't be having to behave as one. Your DH is being completely unreasonable, particularly as you haven't even had a honeymoon!

Whatthefuck3456 · 08/05/2022 11:24

I’ve been in this position before and I took my children on holiday several times on my own! My partner then is now my ex, but I am grateful he didn’t come because I now have the courage to go on my own, so no matter what the situation me and my kids still have a holiday!

AxolotlEars · 08/05/2022 11:25

Maybe he is anxious and doesn't realise it and this is coming out as not travelling. Hey, I didn't really I had anxious thoughts until I realised that I skipped the feeling bit and ate instead.....probably took 40 years! I have been married 26 years and if this had happened to me when I was first married I wouldn't have gone on holiday. Now I would say find someone who would love to go on holiday. Do not ignore your needs....they are really important

Mariposista · 08/05/2022 11:26

Go with a friend, your sister/mum (if you have them and would enjoy it) or literally anyone else but this boring sod. Why should you miss out?

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