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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU ? Why won’t DH commit to a holiday? No holiday in 4 years !

205 replies

Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 09:20

Been married to DH 2 years
Dated for 18 months before marriage.

We have one DS ( aged 1)
DH has two children DSD 12 . DSS 17

We have never been on holiday . Now I get covid happened but I can’t get DH to ever book a holiday and it always ends up in an argument .I’m at my wits end .

Im on maternity ( I’m A teacher ) I go back to work in September. This is my chance to have a cheap holiday in term time .DH has two weeks off in June but he won’t book a holiday.

My birthday is in June. We never had a honeymoon ….I’m desperate for a break . We
can afford a holiday. …

DH says he feels too guilty to go on holiday without his children .So I said - well let’s book a holiday in August during the school holidays . He won’t commit to that .

Anyway.

I am desperate to go away in June . We can go for £900 all inclusive and I’ll pay as I have been saving !!!!!!
He still won’t commit . Refuses to talk about it and always says ‘ I feel bad about my children ‘
Yet we have agreed we will go on holiday with them in August!?

I know truthfully as does he - its
extremely unlikely that we will
go away in august because he will find some Excuse not to go.

(Even if we do go it will be stressful as DH and DSS don’t always get on and I know I’ll be the one looking after DSD. )

i think I deserve a break in June as I never got a honey moon. Im a good wife and mum and step mum and I want a bloody holiday . Yet DH is acting as if I’m being unreasonable and keeps telling me - ‘Just drop it. we will sort something ! ‘

Am I selfish ?
Am I weak ?
What would you do ???
or am I wrong here ???

I haven’t been on holiday in over 4 years and I feel DH is the one stopping me. I appreciate he has children and would be happy to book a family holiday for us all in august but he wont commit . We both have time off in June and can get away cheaply - he can explain to his children this is our honey moon and we are all going to go away in August…

im sick of limiting my life experience of going on holiday because DH is not Able to commit.

step childrens mother goes on holiday with her husband without the children.

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 08/05/2022 09:33

‘Just drop it’. How fucking date he speak to you like that.

Everyoneishappier · 08/05/2022 09:34

What's your answer to why you don't just go ahead and book? Is he in someway the boss ? Why do you need his permission to book?

Original poster
Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 09:35

I can’t work out what the issue is. I know he has been to USA and Asia -
so I don’t believe it is an issue with flying .

i think In the last his family holidays maybe were extremely stressful and he for some reason associates holidays with stress .

We went out last night with his friend , the subject of holidays came up and I said i am desperate to go .
His friend said to DH- take your bloody wife on holiday - you would be lost without her so take her away you git !!!!!!!

I was delighted with the support and it made me realise DH is being a tool!

OP posts:
OnTheBenchOfDoom · 08/05/2022 09:36

Tell him you are booking it so he needs to decide now whether he is coming with you or not. Then actually book it and go.

Oblomov22 · 08/05/2022 09:36

Why did you marry such a drip. You must have known what he was like before? This will be the first of many problems you have with step children if you don't stand up for yourself.

balalake · 08/05/2022 09:37

Like the response of his friend!

ChiswickFlo · 08/05/2022 09:37

Oh fgs
Just book it and go without him
He sounds really really hard work op :(

Oblomov22 · 08/05/2022 09:38

"I was delighted with the support and it made me realise DH is being a tool!"

And you didn't have the emotional intelligence to realise this before? Hmm

Mirrorball2022 · 08/05/2022 09:38

If ww3/nuclear war breaks out we would have a lot worse to worry about than a cancelled holiday tbh.

Tell him you’ve saved and will be going on holiday with or without him in June and you will give him til the end of the week to make a decision before you book.

Are passports all ok and in date? May need to leave extra months etc. Trying to get hold of a passport for June May be impossible with current waits I’m not sure.

wonkygorgeous · 08/05/2022 09:39

You absolutely must book a break away with your baby. Take a friend or your mum.

I'd be saying to him I really need a holiday and I'm booking for this week (book it over the weeks he has off work so no excuse).

Tell him you are booking it by x time on x day. That if he'd like to join you he needs to confirm he's coming by that time otherwise you'll book your friend or mum in and won't be able to change the arrangements.

Tell him you really want it to be with him but you understand if he can't commit. But you need a holiday so you are booking one.

Do it, book it, wave goodbye for a week.

At the moment he has all the control. By delaying and delaying he's ensuring you can't go away.

Take back this control, set firm boundaries. He'll soon realise that he's having to stay home alone for a week and miss out on a holiday with you and his youngest because he's unreasonable.

If you do this it will help him address this issue going forwards. If you don't do this you will be forever in limbo. He's not going to make a decision without a hard push.

DogsAndGin · 08/05/2022 09:40

The step children’s mother goes away without them. And your DH wants to go away without them. So your SC are not part of either mum or dad’s family holiday?! That seems harsh. Can’t they come too?

DogsAndGin · 08/05/2022 09:41

Everyoneishappier · 08/05/2022 09:34

What's your answer to why you don't just go ahead and book? Is he in someway the boss ? Why do you need his permission to book?

Because he is expected to attend?

You can’t force soemone to go on holiday. You can, however, go without him!

bellac11 · 08/05/2022 09:41

Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 09:35

I can’t work out what the issue is. I know he has been to USA and Asia -
so I don’t believe it is an issue with flying .

i think In the last his family holidays maybe were extremely stressful and he for some reason associates holidays with stress .

We went out last night with his friend , the subject of holidays came up and I said i am desperate to go .
His friend said to DH- take your bloody wife on holiday - you would be lost without her so take her away you git !!!!!!!

I was delighted with the support and it made me realise DH is being a tool!

I dont think being aggressive about it or name calling is the way to go here.

There is clearly an anxiety problem, you cant say that because someone has been flying before that its not an issue, he could just have done that through gritted teeth and it be extremely unpleasant

I think the key is that he has said,, book a late deal, this seems to imply to me that the build up and the planning causes a lot of stress, it does in some people, that anticipatory anxiety is very uncomfortable

However with children its better to be planning like you say.

Why not build up to bigger holidays, do you go away at weekends at all, I try to book about 6 holidays a year, they're not what people on MN would consider a holiday, they are all cottage holidays in the UK and a few are long weekends at bank holidays but by doing that, Ive created a pattern that we are nearly always on holiday. He now loves holidays and I dont have the problem I used to have with him

NoWordForFluffy · 08/05/2022 09:42

What would I do? Book for me and my child and be done with! He can stay at home.

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 09:42

If you've both got time off in June tell him you're going away and it's up to him if he comes or not. If he's staying home leave the baby with him.

FfeminyddCymraeg · 08/05/2022 09:42

Another one that would just book without him - fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Also, whilst great his friend is making supportive comments, what’s with this ‘take her away’ business.

Take yourself away!

PinkiOcelot · 08/05/2022 09:43

I’d be going without him. I wouldn’t mention it to him again, just book and then start packing towards the time of your holiday and tell him you’re away for a fortnight.

Sciurus83 · 08/05/2022 09:43

Just book it. Tell him when it is and you hope that he will come but it is his choice. If you end up on that holiday alone it's time for a big think.

axolotlfloof · 08/05/2022 09:45

Sciurus83 · 08/05/2022 09:43

Just book it. Tell him when it is and you hope that he will come but it is his choice. If you end up on that holiday alone it's time for a big think.

I would book it.
Maybe you are going to have to get used to holidays without him.

MiddleParking · 08/05/2022 09:50

I can’t even believe you got married without ever having been on holiday together! Personally I’d go without him and leave the baby with him on his week off.

MarvellousMay · 08/05/2022 09:51

Just show him the place and tell him you are booking it tonight, is he coming or not?
And then book it. Seriously, it doesn’t have to be an agonising decision.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 08/05/2022 09:55

Providing your son has a passport I would tell him you are booking for you 2 & does he want to join? Make it an active decision for him to make or not as he chooses & definitely take advantage of the quietness and cheapness of going outside school hols!

Original poster
Littepinkyogapants · 08/05/2022 09:55

DogsAndGin · 08/05/2022 09:40

The step children’s mother goes away without them. And your DH wants to go away without them. So your SC are not part of either mum or dad’s family holiday?! That seems harsh. Can’t they come too?

They don’t want to miss school. So they can’t come in June.

So suggested we all go on holiday in August . DH won’t commit to that !!!

To take 4 plus a baby away in august is too expensive for me to pay . ( also , this will never happen because DH will never book it)

But I can afford to book a holiday in June . If DH doesn’t want to come then he doesn’t have too.

I a teacher on maternity leave and if i don’t take my opportunity to get away in term time when it is a third of the price I won’t be able to do it . So it seems my only option is to book a holiday in June and if DH comes great.if not I get my holiday .

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 08/05/2022 09:58

bellac11 · 08/05/2022 09:27

Ive learnt that some people, dont like holidays.

I dont understand it myself but this is what Ive learned

So book for yourself,, your step children and your child and go away. He'll have a little break or not at home

Also you need to clarify what you mean by holiday. I mean going away from home, whether that is in the UK or not. Some people dont like flying or being out of the country, has he said why he doesnt like holidays or is it the type of holiday he doesnt like or the place?

Errr no if he's not going why should OP take his children?! agree she should book but just for her and baby. And maybe another adult (mum/sister/friend) for company and help with baby.

Paperyfish · 08/05/2022 09:58

i’ve booked for me and my mum to go away this summer for a beach holiday. Dh hates the idea of sitting quietly on a beach enjoying the sun and swimming in the sea- but I love it and am going anyway! I know it’s not the same as a honeymoon- but at least if you booked for just you- or with a friend- you’d have a holiday of some kind to look forward to. We do have holidays together too- but different to beach breaks. Your dh is being unreasonable to never holiday with you.