AIBU ? Why won’t DH commit to a holiday? No holiday in 4 years !

[Littepinkyogapants]

Been married to DH 2 years
Dated for 18 months before marriage.

We have one DS ( aged 1)
DH has two children DSD 12 . DSS 17

We have never been on holiday . Now I get covid happened but I can’t get DH to ever book a holiday and it always ends up in an argument .I’m at my wits end .

Im on maternity ( I’m A teacher ) I go back to work in September. This is my chance to have a cheap holiday in term time .DH has two weeks off in June but he won’t book a holiday.

My birthday is in June. We never had a honeymoon ….I’m desperate for a break . We
can afford a holiday. …

DH says he feels too guilty to go on holiday without his children .So I said - well let’s book a holiday in August during the school holidays . He won’t commit to that .

Anyway.

I am desperate to go away in June . We can go for £900 all inclusive and I’ll pay as I have been saving !!!!!!
He still won’t commit . Refuses to talk about it and always says ‘ I feel bad about my children ‘
Yet we have agreed we will go on holiday with them in August!?

I know truthfully as does he - its
extremely unlikely that we will
go away in august because he will find some Excuse not to go.

(Even if we do go it will be stressful as DH and DSS don’t always get on and I know I’ll be the one looking after DSD. )

i think I deserve a break in June as I never got a honey moon. Im a good wife and mum and step mum and I want a bloody holiday . Yet DH is acting as if I’m being unreasonable and keeps telling me - ‘Just drop it. we will sort something ! ‘

Am I selfish ?
Am I weak ?
What would you do ???
or am I wrong here ???

I haven’t been on holiday in over 4 years and I feel DH is the one stopping me. I appreciate he has children and would be happy to book a family holiday for us all in august but he wont commit . We both have time off in June and can get away cheaply - he can explain to his children this is our honey moon and we are all going to go away in August…

im sick of limiting my life experience of going on holiday because DH is not Able to commit.

step childrens mother goes on holiday with her husband without the children.

All of this ^

Sounds like he finally is hearing you. Some people panic too much about getting things right, or how will they cope if things go wrong, that they don't get to do the things they want.

Book it tonight /tomorrow. Be clear about getting good insurance. If he also wants to book an August holiday with the dsc, he can do but I dont see that as your job to sort.

Honestly, he sounds like me. I haven't been on holiday for ages, because I constantly think about what could go wrong, and think I'm safer and more secure at home.

Luckily DP isn't that bothered about going away so it doesn't cause any issues.

But perhaps he is struggling.

And all the people who have said leave him are ridiculous.

You shouldn't have to get to this point OP. However, you do sound very dependent on him.

Most people I know (and from the PPs this is usual) would just have said "OK, I am taking the baby to X place on Y dates - let me know by tomorrow if you want to come with." If he didn't I would go on my own or with a mate. No drama.

God.no. you NEED to go on holiday. We need to live, not just exist!

Also - I would be very wary of "bullying" him into going on holiday if he doesn't want to. It could end up being very miserable for you.

Much better to go on your own or with other adult (s) who actually want to go. Surely he can stay behind and have some quality 1:1 time with DSC?

Given the amount of time you’ve been together, is it correct to assume that you have never been on holiday or travelled together?
I’ve always seen travel, even just a couple of days mini-break as a a real test of compatibility in a relationship.
Did you never consider it odd when you were dating that you never went away together?

Hes using the children and everything under the sun as an excuse.

the children sound like they have a decent quality of life between you and their mum. So what’s his real issue?

is he actually scared if travelling/flying?

telL him you’ve booked for those two weeks. Just the three of you. And if he can’t make it then suggest that marriage counselling or therapy for him is the next step as there is obviously something else underlying things.

and if he hasn’t got a great relationship with his kids then he needs to step up and sort things out rather than you being the soothsayer for the rest of your life with him!

christ it’s like having a petulant teenager and the last thing you need right now is another child to manage. He needs to step up and be a better version of himself.

@LindaEllen - I dont think those telling her to leave are being ridiculous. She'd be better with a man who gives what she wants equal priority.

Luckily it reads like he's realised he has been a bit selfish and is trying to put his own angst around travel to one side. (OP - get good insurance, it may help him relax on the run up to the trip)

Sounds like he's realised his plan of shutting you down when you talk about it has failed. I hope you get your holiday! But you need to get to the bottom of whether his reluctance is really down to worries about the practicalities and his children, or whether it's actually that he does not want to go. Otherwise you'll have this problem every time!

It could be that he used to find holidays with his ex and the kids stressful and so doesn't think a holiday is a relaxing break, a lot of people don't really like going on holiday and that is okay, you can't help not liking something - however, he should just tell you that. The constant excuses would annoy me. If the issue is he just doesn't want to go, he should tell you that instead of the false hope.

Personally, I would book the holiday myself, tell him you want him to come but you're not going to beg and if he doesn't commit then either go yourself with your child or ask a friend/family member to go with you

Book for June for three and then he can decide 'last minute' if he actually wants to spend his two weeks off with you.

It's a bit ridiculous to compare her to a single mother when talking about taking your child on holiday alone. A holiday is a luxury and plenty of people are happy to go alone with their children, a single parent is 24/7.

Plenty of people don't like going on holidays, that isn't unreasonable, people are just different, the issue is the making excuses every time it's brought up instead of just saying from the start that he doesn't enjoy holidays

I'd take a friend or relative instead then it doesn't need to involve him or his kids. Some people just don't like holidays or being away from home. Personally I just find holidays stressful, maybe he is the same, especially with a one year old and 2 teens.

If he doesn’t book it tonight, book one yourself without him. Take your mum/friend/whoever.

Holiday phobia is very real and seems to affect men more than women in my limited experience. Unfortunately unless he actually admits this and tries to deal with it you will still have a problem even if he does book with you.

He will likely be anxious and looking for problems and might even pull out.

tricky.

He said - we will book a holiday tonight . If we do not . I’m booking one tomorrow.

Yeah, and stick to that. He books a holiday tonight with you or you book one for you and your child tomorrow. His choice.

My DH is a bit like this. So a few years before covid I started booking holidays for me and the Dcs. I usually did it at a time when he had something big on at work, or when he was engaged in his hobby (there is a 2 week long hobby-related event that happens near us every summer). So he could crack on with stuff he likes in peace and the Dcs and I got to do what we wanted. This year we are going to Jersey and hopefully France.

It's not ideal, and I was upset at first but it has worked out okay. The children are not being limited by his holiday aversion and I love going away.

DH has started muttering about a trip to Greece all together towards the end of the summer holidays. So we might even have that to look forward to as well.

So in short- don't wait for him. And I'm sorry. I know how dispiriting it can be.

Has your baby got a passport OP?

I think posters are missing the point that the op and her husband have NEVER been on holiday. Even when saying, pre covid and kids.

so not like he led her up the garden path by making out he was an intrepid traveller

and more to the point… the op never arranged anything pre covid and pre baby.

I'll confess, I don't like holidays.

I like the nice weather, the lying by the pool or going to the beach, the chance to visit new sights etc. Obviously very nice not having to cook (if you don't go self-catering).

But I like to be in my own bed at night. Even in my home town I don't like sleeping at family/friends. At a push I'll stay at my mum's house. I was the same as a child, hated sleepovers. Being at home centres me and makes me feel more relaxed.

I don't particularly care if I never have a holiday again. As it happens, I have two autistic DC, one with high needs and so travelling is very difficult. DP quite likes a holiday but it's not make or break for him. We have been away on (UK) holidays together but not for about 7 years due to DC issues. And when we did go before, the practicalities were just a bloody nightmare. We had to take two cars.

I was really caught by surprise during COVID and the aftermath hearing so many people talk about holidays like some kind of essential, and the implication - like some on this thread - that you can't possibly be living a full life unless you have a (overseas) holiday. I never realised it was such a core and essential part of so many people's lives - the desperation of being able to go back on holiday was a real eye-opener for me. It seems that for some people it really is an important part of life.

I guess OP in the longer term you need to work out what's at the root of this. Is it bad holidays in the past that have made your DH reluctant? Does he just not like holidays in general? Is it the thinking/booking/planning? Basically what I'm saying, if you figure out what's at the root of his reluctance you'll be able to ascertain if it's something that can be overcome with positive experiences with you. If he really doesn't like holidays - and it sounds like you do - and he won't commit to going ever, then you'll need to think about whether you're willing to have a lifetime of holidaying alone/with friends. For some people that would be a deal-breaker.

I know he has been to USA and Asia -
so I don’t believe it is an issue with flying

My brother flew all over the world. Then, for some unknown reason, he developed a fear of flying.

Have you suggested a holiday in the U.K., or on Eurostar?

Not everyone’s into holidays. They associate them with stress more than relaxation. It doesn’t bake him a monster, but it sounds like you’ll have to just go ahead and book something, not wait for permission.

OP,

I mean this kindly, but it sounds as if you are just another young woman who has been taken in by a man who needs a woman to do childcare for him.

You deserve so much better.

You are with him 4 years and never had a holiday?

Unbelievable.

He sounds like a bit of a bully, shutting you down.

Happy for you to be skivvy for his children though.

Be wary of wasting your future on a man who cares so little for you and your happiness.

A holiday after 4 years before you return to work is SO LITTLE to ask for.

Definitely have your contraception sorted.

You should be organising another break for yourself with your sister and mum.

Don't depend on a man like this that drives you to tears because of his dismissive manner towards you.

He sounds so selfish and you deserve better.

That’s absolutely fine, but he needs to be a grown up and have an honest conversation.

Tell his wife that holidays aren’t his thing, but please go ahead without him.