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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend drinking while pregnant

216 replies

lemondrop72 · 02/05/2022 19:53

Long term friend. Her first baby.

She has said a few times how she has got really upset with her partner or other friends who have been drinking alcohol while they've been out together because she feels like she can't join in the fun and isn't on the same "level".

She has text on a few occasions recently with a photo of a glass of wine or a cider etc while out saying "just the one 😉".
I don't want to sound patronising and it's none of my business because she is an adult. I never really respond to the messages because I don't want to make out I support drinking in pregnancy.
She messaged again the other day saying she had had "a few" the day before and felt really hungover. Now I'm starting to be to be a little concerned that one has turned into a few and I don't know if I should say something?

For the record, I have had two babies and she often asks my advise on pregnancy and babies etc.

Like I say it's probably none of my business but would you leave her to it or should I say I don't think it's a good idea to be drinking during pregnancy?

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 02/05/2022 19:56

Like I say it's probably none of my business but would you leave her to it or should I say I don't think it's a good idea to be drinking during pregnancy?

Depends, do you value her ongoing friendship or not? Because giving your opinion, or rather stating the obvious, isn't going to result in anything good.

LightningAndRainbows · 02/05/2022 19:56

Could you get her a pregnancy book?

woodenwindchimes · 02/05/2022 19:58

Is she aware of what foetal alcohol syndrome is?

Because my first port of call would be to talk about that, as looking after a child with it is life-changing.

She may be unaware?

CrabPuff · 02/05/2022 19:58

She will do what she wants to do. You can advise all you like but it won’t make a difference. Everyone knows that no alcohol is the best thing for a baby in utero. Some people justify a 125ml glass a week and some people just cannot not drink so try to make a joke of it to get validation that the behaviour they know is unhealthy for their unborn baby can be brushed under the carpet. Ignore it.

Lwren · 02/05/2022 20:01

Selfish bastard, if she wasn't ready to give up drinking she shouldn't be having a baby.

Original poster
lemondrop72 · 02/05/2022 20:02

It's such a difficult situation because I care about her and her unborn baby.
I have given her all the books I had read etc.
She's is absolutely aware that drinking in pregnancy is not okay but it's not like she's doing it in secret either. She is out with friends or her partner. So I can't believe someone hasn't said something. We don't live close by so I don't see her often but we talk a lot. She has told me she has had "drinks" twice this week but that is just what she has told me so it could even be more.

OP posts:
NotYourOscarSpeech · 02/05/2022 20:03

It’s because of people like your friend that the Nhs guidance is no alcohol in pregnancy. It’s well documented that a glass of wine a couple of times a week is absolutely fine (Emily Oster is great on this), but drinking to the point of a hangover, repeatedly, is not moderation and it’s the perceived inability of women to not understand this which has led to the guidelines being what they are.

Crimesean · 02/05/2022 20:03

She knows full well the risk she's taking, she's just denying it/rationalising it to herself.

FASD is awful, and because it's a spectrum it might not become apparent her baby has been harmed for several years - ADHD in particular can be caused by alcohol in pregnancy (although that's not the only cause). Other symptoms include low IQ, learning difficulties, poor co-ordination (dyspraxia), speech & language issues, and physical problems with the heart, kidneys or bones.

Please tell her - it might shake her out of her denial.

Namechangeonemillion · 02/05/2022 20:04

The baby is at risk of FAS. I’m not an expert but I think drinking in the first trimester is the most risky. You’ll have weigh up your responsibility to the unborn child versus the risk of losing the friendship.

I think in your shoes I would have to say something. I’d be kind about it but express my worry for the baby. I might be tempted to send her some information. I’d let her know that I felt like I might be overstepping and that she can take or leave my advice but I would be honest that I couldn’t live with myself if something happened and I hadn’t said something. I would let her know that I was worried I might upset her and have no wish to do that. I would let her tell me if she felt angry about it too.

But, I always think that children’s needs should be prioritised over adult wants. They are vulnerable and can’t advocate for themselves. Especially pre natally. But I’m sure I would get told to mind my own business.

Original poster
lemondrop72 · 02/05/2022 20:04

I can't say I disagree with her being selfish.
I wouldn't have even said she had a drinking problem prior to this but if she can't stop while pregnant then maybe she does?

I have found myself distancing from her because of it because I don't know what to say.

OP posts:
rainyskylight · 02/05/2022 20:06

It could well be that other friends are feeling lost as to what to say or do. And it could also be that she’s texting you these pictures because she’s calling out for help and intervention. Try a quiet word in person, going down the concern route? “Hey friend, I’ve noticed quite a few references to drinking in your messages recently. I know that finding out about a pregnancy can be a bit overwhelming - are you ok? I’m worried about you. Having half a glass on a celebration day is one thing but it seems like you are drinking more. I’m worried about you and your baby” etc etc.

romdowa · 02/05/2022 20:07

It's not really your business . It's her body , her baby , her choice and I'm sure she knows the risks.

2bazookas · 02/05/2022 20:08

print some info on Foetal Alcohol Syndrome and send it to her.

Original poster
lemondrop72 · 02/05/2022 20:09

Thank you everyone.
I must admit I didn't know the full implications of FAS because I always knew drinking was a no go and I've never been a massive drinker anyway. I will do my research.
My dm actually passed away from alcohol related liver disease 18 months ago, she's never really been sensitive to that situation so I think it's really hit a nerve with me that she's doing this.

I think I need to say something, I just need to figure out how to word it.

OP posts:
CatOfTheLand · 02/05/2022 20:12

I'd message saying "I didn't drink throughout my pregnancies because of the ADHD and FAS risk" any time she sent me that.

I'd prepare myself for a bumpy next few years tbh as if she's fine drinking to the point of drunkenness while pregnant she's probably going to have other dubious parenting techniques when the kid is here.

ZenKaleidoscope · 02/05/2022 20:13

As a friend I think it would be strange not to say something. I can hear that you don't want to come across judgey and I'm sure you won't if you consider how you say it.

Why not in person just say something that shows you care about her and ask how she's getting on with people drinking around her even though she's pregnant and just see where the conversation leads.

She might appreciate the extra support you are going being her by just asking her how she's really doing.

Giraffesandbottom · 02/05/2022 20:14

I couldn’t be friends with someone like this.

jackstini · 02/05/2022 20:19

It's none of your business and I wouldn't say anything

The info is all out there (although it changes over the years!) and presuming she has google...

Whatsmyname100 · 02/05/2022 20:20

Lwren · 02/05/2022 20:01

Selfish bastard, if she wasn't ready to give up drinking she shouldn't be having a baby.

This.

Morechocmorechoc · 02/05/2022 20:21

Be brutally honest. You'll find out how good friends you are soon enough. She may thank you for it one day.

ChocolateHippo · 02/05/2022 20:21

It depends how much she is actually drinking. I think you need to separate out your disapproval of her actions from the actual risk of harm to the baby. And there is no real evidence that occasional or even regular moderate drinking during pregnancy is harmful to the baby. Equally, there is no conclusive evidence that it is not, which is why the zero alcohol recommendation is there. I think people get a bit wound up about this one tbh... many women don't realise that they're pregnant for a few weeks or even longer during which time they may have been drinking as normal or even had one or two 'heavy' nights out. Midwives are normally able to be relatively reassuring to them about the risks. Of course, if she's drinking most days or strong spirits, that's another matter entirely.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2022 20:22

It's possible she keeps raising it because she wants you to say something.

One or two a week does nothing. Drink to the point of hangover is quite another matter.

Can you reply, "I'm really worried about you, do you want to talk about your drinking?" Or something. How she reacts should tell you everything.

Pod351 · 02/05/2022 20:23

Sadly she isn't ready for a child, if she can't even sacrifice a drink, she's in for a shock.

Neverreturntoathread · 02/05/2022 20:23

I would say something. She’s obviously seeming your reassurance that what she’s doing is ok and by staying silent you are reassuring her and that encourages her.

Doesn’t have to be dramatic just warn her that she’s eg massively raising the risk of ADHD.

I don’t understand anyone who chooses to drink alcohol in pregnancy. It’s just a drink. Doesn’t even taste that great. Have a smoothie it’s only for 9 months!!

WindyKnickers · 02/05/2022 20:27

I would mind my own business, personally. She knows what she's doing. Just don't validate it. Ignore the messages.