Friend drinking while pregnant

[lemondrop72]

Long term friend. Her first baby.

She has said a few times how she has got really upset with her partner or other friends who have been drinking alcohol while they've been out together because she feels like she can't join in the fun and isn't on the same "level".

She has text on a few occasions recently with a photo of a glass of wine or a cider etc while out saying "just the one 😉".
I don't want to sound patronising and it's none of my business because she is an adult. I never really respond to the messages because I don't want to make out I support drinking in pregnancy.
She messaged again the other day saying she had had "a few" the day before and felt really hungover. Now I'm starting to be to be a little concerned that one has turned into a few and I don't know if I should say something?

For the record, I have had two babies and she often asks my advise on pregnancy and babies etc.

Like I say it's probably none of my business but would you leave her to it or should I say I don't think it's a good idea to be drinking during pregnancy?

Thank you and I’m really sorry to hear about your struggles.

I've known her since high school. We grew up in a not so great area. My life is very different to my childhood now and I think she does see me that way. When in reality I think I just try to have a bit of decorum.

My mum died of alcoholism. I think she's purposely sending them to me to get a reaction.

I mean, that is literally enough to report someone to SS due to risk to the unborn child. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation OP, it's a tricky one, but it does sound like she is risking her baby's health.

Agreed. She can't go 9 months watching other people drinking. That's pretty bad since it's not a long time. She has a problem.

I'd back the hell away, because chances are that she'll carry on like this with a newborn baby/child. And I just wouldn't want a front row seat.

I gave birth to a much wanted and much loved stillborn baby. I didn't even take a paracetamol during the pregnancy, and yet the guilt that it was my fault was horrendous and something that's taken many years to be able to live with. I can't believe that anyone would risk the most precious thing you'll ever have in your life

@Booboobagins

“One is too much. Everyone needs to understand alcohol is a poison, that's how the liver deals with it - in moderation, fine but not when pregnant if you want a healthy baby.

I really don't get why having a drink is a big thing for some people. I would def have a word if she's a friend.”

One alcoholic drink every so often is fine. No evidence to the contrary that one drink every so often will cause any harm to a foetus.

Lots of people like having a drink! Chatting with friends in a nice bar or pub over a glass of gin and tonic or wine is a lovely thing to do. It relaxes you and gives you a little buzz. If you liked it before pregnancy then why would you not like it during? I.e as in miss it?

You can really miss it in a pregnancy and have a glass every so oft and it not make you a raging alcoholic you know

Oblomov22

Apologies if I misunderstood but you seemed to be suggesting that only heavy drinking was an issue. We don’t yet know if there is a ‘safe’ level of alcohol when pregnant. It will be different for each person and at different stages of foetal development. The only 100% safe option is to abstain. Anything else holds a degree of risk that the baby can’t consent to. The risk may be minimal at small amounts and in second trimester but no way of knowing for sure.

@Parentcarerandcrazy

what do you think social services would do?
its her body.

"You should probably stop drinking, you know. It's not exactly recommended during pregnancy and the consequences can be very serious. Don't take the risk, stick to the soft drinks until baby is safely here."

Or something like that.

If I was pg again now, I would just stick to fruit juice when out. Stops people making assumptions about you even if they are unjust.

People have no right to visibly voice their assumptions about/disapproval of others and there's no way I would change my behaviour to avoid this. And if they voiced their judgment to my face, I'd tell them to fuck off mind their own bloody business.

It sounds as if the OP's friend may have a problem (or the very least is being deliberately provocative), but generally people should wind their necks in. A pregnant woman having a drink (or apparently having one) is no one's concern.

LuckySantangelo35

We don’t know if there is a safe level of alcohol. It will depend on the individual and the stage of foetal development. That’s why abstaining is the only way to ensure zero risk to the baby. It’s a choice whether to take the risk of ‘one every now and again’ but it still is a risk. One the baby can’t consent to.

SS would alert midwife and health team. Mother to be would be asked about her drinking, SS could place the unborn on a CP plan if they are not happy with the situation.

You could say that about anything! Baby cannot consent to going in a car, baby can’t consent to going on an airplane, baby can’t consent to eating a burger, blah blah. Lots of things in life come with a degree of risk.

FASD is far more common than some people on this thread seem to realise. It’s more common than autism and among children in care or adopted, it’s estimated up to 75% could be at risk.
www.adoptionuk.org/blog/fasd-the-hidden-epidemic

Both my children (adopted) are thought to have FASD. It is believed their birth mum was not a heavy drinker, yet the impact of her drinking choices affects every part of their lives and means they need significantly more care and support than others the same age.

OP, please report your friend.

I think that considering you lost your mum due to alcohol (I'm so sorry ) she is being quite cruel and in order to protect yourself and your own wellbeing, it would be worth either simply stepping back entirely from the friendship or letting her know you're finding it awkward hearing about her drinking during her pregnancy especially due to your mum and so you'd prefer she didn't keep sending you messages like that. She doesn't sound very nice to be winding you up about booze, not nice at all.

I had a friend who smoked during pregnancy....l had to ask her to not do it in front of me because it made me feel really uncomfortable.
Could you say something similar op?

I had a friend like this. I was honest, she ignored me. The friendship survived. Her life is very hard now, and it's certainly not a topic we ever discuss in relation to her child's difficulties, but I try not to judge.

Tbh I would automatically assume that anyone who can't give up drinking while pregnant is an alcoholic and needs support.
I would be very honest with her, see what her response is. If she's defensive then that's concerning, but she may be receptive. What's her partner like?
I don't know for sure but doesn't it impact baby's growth? It may well come into question at her next scan if that's the case

Are you friendly with any of the friends she goes out with or her partner?

She was pretty clear early on that she struggled with not drinking when everyone else is.

Instead of telling her the obvious, which she clearly already knows, could you instead nudge her friends and partner to be more supportive and plan activities/nights out that don't involve alcohol or at least not more than a small glass of wine?

Just said goodnight / goodbye to DS who has come over for a break from finishing writing his MA dissertation and to watch the football.

He is 22. when I was pregnant, via IVF/ICSI, the guidance was 1 or 2 drinks once or twice a week. I followed this, apart from millennium eve when I was 8 months pg and had 1/2 bottle of champagne.

He was born underwater during natural childbirth and was breastfed for a year. He was brought up vegetarian. He began to talk the day after his first birthday and was given his 3 1/2 year check when he was 22 months old. He was classed as gifted and talented throughout school.

He is expected to get a First.

This is not a stealth boast, but to say that having a few drinks as part of a good diet, like many women would do in Western Europe, is not automatically going to lead to FAS.

LuckySantangelo35

Thats not the same and you know it.

Look, I wouldn’t judge anyone for their choices, but I will challenge people on a forum that are dismissing current medical advice that is designed to protect the health of unborn children that can’t advocate for themselves. it’s not OK to say ‘one every now and then’ is ok. You don’t know that. It will be different for different people and at different stages of foetal development.

MadKittenWoman

Great. Good for you. That doesn’t mean that there is no risk. It’s different for different bodies and at different stages of foetal development. There is no way of knowing the risk so abstaining is the only 100% risk free option. Some people smoke all their lives and don’t get lung cancer. That doesn’t mean smoking doesn’t increase the risk of lung cancer.

The current advice, for this reason, is no alcohol. FAS isn’t the only risk. Miscarriage and sub-clinical difficulties are also a risk.

Exactly this
There was another thread about alcohol alternatives I just think that if people are pregnant and all they think about is booze they shouldn't be having kids!

I've always understood that the guidelines of not to drink at all are not based on some moralistic stance, but are really due to the fact that there have been instances of FAS born to women who hardly drank at all.

Thank heavens for all those children that escaped suffering any consequences.

Well, she's drinking 'quite a bit' if she's routinely hung over!!