Friend drinking while pregnant

[lemondrop72]

Long term friend. Her first baby.

She has said a few times how she has got really upset with her partner or other friends who have been drinking alcohol while they've been out together because she feels like she can't join in the fun and isn't on the same "level".

She has text on a few occasions recently with a photo of a glass of wine or a cider etc while out saying "just the one 😉".
I don't want to sound patronising and it's none of my business because she is an adult. I never really respond to the messages because I don't want to make out I support drinking in pregnancy.
She messaged again the other day saying she had had "a few" the day before and felt really hungover. Now I'm starting to be to be a little concerned that one has turned into a few and I don't know if I should say something?

For the record, I have had two babies and she often asks my advise on pregnancy and babies etc.

Like I say it's probably none of my business but would you leave her to it or should I say I don't think it's a good idea to be drinking during pregnancy?

Oh wow, I have a drink when I'm out an pregnant so I don't feel left out but always NON ALCOHOLIC and I still feel guilty as sin so always end up on juice !!!
Should reply next time an say "hope non alcoholic!!! 😂"" make it into a sort of joke so it doesn't cause issues between you but a dig so she knows you don't agree ? Xx

I work with children and vulnerable adults with FAS. Your friends behaviour is deplorable. I would report her to social services. I know it is hard line but the effects of FAS are horrendous and it can happen with 1 incidence of drinking in pregnancy.
www.theguardian.com/society/2015/apr/04/my-mother-the-alcoholic-living-with-foetal-alcohol-syndrome

Is she actually getting drunk? She must be with other people when she's doing this and I highly doubt they'd not say something, unless no one knows she's pregnant? I wouldn't say anything to someone for have A drink pregnant, if they were on 3+ I'd question it. On the other hand she could be drinking none alcoholic stuff and pulling your leg, do you have form for gossiping or blabbing things?

@romdowa I'm interested in where you draw that line?

Seriously. Her body her choice. Absolutely. So alcohol yes? Smoking...?
Heroin?

At what point do we as a society intervene and say absolutely not.

Or at the very least make the call to social work even anonymously. Because what happens when baby born, does that continue, etc etc.

I struggle with the concept of wishing to go ahead with a pregnancy and then being hungover.

Telling her won't make a difference. She knows it's wrong, but she doesn't care. Her happiness is the most important thing.

I would just drop her as a friend. Someone that stupid wouldn't be a friend of mine.

@Namechangeonemillion :
"The baby is at risk of FAS. "

No. The baby is not. FAS is very serious. Baby is not at risk from one glass of wine. Even a 'few'. It takes quite a bit.

No I am absolutely not a gossiper. I very much keep myself to myself. If anything, she is by far the gossiper out of the two of us.

We live in different cities so I don't see her when she is out but from what I gather from her other friends I think they would have the attitude of 'it won't do any harm'. So would probably not discourage it.

MissusMaisel

There is no way of knowing if alcohol will or won’t do damage. At the wrong point of development in the wrong body, just one could do damage. For some several drinks might not. But there is no way of knowing. Just like some people can chain smoke all their life and not get lung cancer - it still increases the risk a lot. The unborn baby has no voice and can’t chose whether to take that risk or not, so the only choice is to not drink.

Foetal alcohol spectrum disorder
If you drink alcohol during pregnancy you risk causing harm to your baby. Sometimes this can result in mental and physical problems in the baby, called foetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD).
FASD can happen when alcohol in the mother's blood passes to her baby through the placenta.
Your baby cannot process alcohol well, which means it can stay in their body for a long time. Alcohol can damage their brain and body and stop them from developing normally in the womb.
This can result in the loss of the pregnancy. Babies who survive may be left with lifelong problems.

@lemondrop72 given the severe implications of FAS on a child for the rest of their life, I personally wouldn't say anything to her about it, but would pass on her details to social services. Having a professional sit down and talk to her about the effects of alcohol on a developing baby will likely be an upsetting experience, but might wake her up from her denial. Alcohol exposure does varying amounts of damage depending on the genetics of the baby, a child can be severely disabled or stillborn from a surprisingly low exposure to alcohol

I think young people worry too much about this. People have drunk alcohol throughout pregnancy for millennia and the human race has not only survived but thrived.

My SIL had an unplanned pregnancy and caned it for the first three months. Her son is 28 now and is the picture of physical and mental health. I drank 3/4 units a week for the last 3 months of my second pregnancy and my child is a 20 something fitness instructor.

I have only once met a child with FAS. His mum drank in excess of a bottle of vodka a night throughout her pregnancy. There is a massive difference between that and the occasional social drink

“I’m hungover after drinking yesterday”

“you’re hungover? Kelly, that’s more than an odd drink love, it’s drinking and getting drunk. I’m your friend, I’m here to help if there’s something wrong but are you aware of FAS and the associated Risks? Please have a look and decide if you want to cut right back. Hope you feel better later, maybe a nice bath?”

I think I would have to say something along the lines of- please stop telling me when you’re drinking Mary. I love you and I don’t want to lose you as a friend but I’m worried I’ll say something to upset you because I really worry.

You know what, my parents generation probably all drunk moderately during pregnancy and I don't know anyone who had FAS. It is a horrible thing but the risk of it is being massively overstated as regards moderate, non-pathological drinking.

While no one should go out bingeing (which I've heard can be the most serious risk factor) or having serious daily drinking habits, I think we have become overly judgemental on the 'any drinking at all when pg' front, and it does slightly get on my tits that the attitude seems to be we're all silly drunken trollops who shouldn't have any alcohol because we won't be able to stop at one.

As it is, I'm not much of a drinker and I mostly didn't feel like drinking when pg, but yes, I probably had a glass of wine or half a pint no more than half a dozen times each pregnancy.

You may or may not agree, but I don't think anyone has the right to guilt someone about light consumption, and it's not likely to work if you try.

@lemondrop72
It made me shudder reading your post saying she'd texted saying she was really hungover. That's really not good OP.

I'd have to say something - but I am a very opinionated person and have good friends who withstand that (and probably quite a number of people who think I'm an opinionated bugger and are not my friends due to it!)

Bottom line - I didn't drink a drop throughout my pregnancy- my main concern was the miscarriage risk (although I accept many GPs may feel that was over cautious).
Why would you risk it, though?
I also wouldn't fly and barely took any painkillers etc - so accept I'm probably more hardline on it than many.

I couldn’t be friends with someone who thought this was ok. Why risk harming your baby for a small buzz? It disgusts me and i’d have to say something.

I mean I had the odd half pint of Guinness (craved it) but again not weekly or event monthly. Probably had about 4/5 my entire pregnancy. So I can't exactly preech from the t total soap box.

But drinking to the point of being hungover, is drinking in excess.

Honestly, I'd just call social services in her area anonymously, let them know what you know and leave it at that. She's been out drinking with other people so there's no way to single out who has reported her.

@romdowa so her baby should live the consequences of her mother’s drinking ? I cant stand people who shove their head in the sand… don’t be such a wet wipe

Everydaydayisaschoolday

Thats a really unhelpful position to take. Doctors used to prescribe smoking. We now know it increases risk of lung cancer. Times change, research happens. Anecdotal evidence is not helpful.

SOME people, at SOME stages of pregnancy might be able to get away with drinking. But the unborn child doesn’t have the choice. The ONLY 100% safe thing is to not drink at all. Certainly in the first trimester.

"Research shows that binge drinking and regular heavy drinking put a fetus at the greatest risk for severe problems.1 (The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as a pattern of drinking alcohol that brings blood alcohol concentration [BAC] to 0.08 percentor 0.08 grams of alcohol per deciliteror higher. For a typical adult female, this pattern of alcohol consumption corresponds to consuming 4 or more drinks in about 2 hours.

link

I agree with Echobelly and Everyday, the hysteria on this thread is damaging. No one is condoning drinking, but some of these reactions on this thread are ridiculous. One thimble of sherry at Christmas doesn't cause FAS. FAS is serious. IT is rare. It's heavy drinking.

By the time I had DD I had lost two 2nd trimester babies; countless early miscarriages and had D1 at 36.3 weeks and DS2 died at 27 weeks due to congenital heart deformity. I did not have more than 1/2 glass of champagne in any of those pregnancies.

During DD's pg I was obviously very high risk and nobody expected the pg to get to term. They utterly lovely and very senior obstetric consultant I saw at least every fortnight told me 24 years ago that if a g&t took the edge off the stress to have a g&t. So two or three times a week I did from about 28 weeks.

DD was born at 41.3 (induced), 8lb.13oz, bright pink and screaming. She's graduated from Oxbridge.

I drank a shandy on occasion during my pregnancy and on my wedding day half a glass of champagne.

At no point did I ever feel the need to 'have a few' as I felt left out and I had my hen do whilst 10 weeks pregnant.

I had mock tails, did silly games etc instead.

I wouldn't judge half a glass of wine or a smell beer if it wasn't a regular thing but certainly having back to back drinks I couldn't not say something.

This won't be popular but I see no issue with the very occasional small glass. Of course bih difference between that and regular drinking, mind.

What would you hope to achieve by saying something?

She knows drinking isn't advised during pregnancy.

She's unlikely to be drinking enough to actually do significant harm though.

When do we intervene? We don't. There are no limits in her body her choice. There is no point when we stop women from.doing what they want with their own bodies.