Friend drinking while pregnant

[lemondrop72]

Long term friend. Her first baby.

She has said a few times how she has got really upset with her partner or other friends who have been drinking alcohol while they've been out together because she feels like she can't join in the fun and isn't on the same "level".

She has text on a few occasions recently with a photo of a glass of wine or a cider etc while out saying "just the one 😉".
I don't want to sound patronising and it's none of my business because she is an adult. I never really respond to the messages because I don't want to make out I support drinking in pregnancy.
She messaged again the other day saying she had had "a few" the day before and felt really hungover. Now I'm starting to be to be a little concerned that one has turned into a few and I don't know if I should say something?

For the record, I have had two babies and she often asks my advise on pregnancy and babies etc.

Like I say it's probably none of my business but would you leave her to it or should I say I don't think it's a good idea to be drinking during pregnancy?

This would really bother me if a friend was sending me this.
I like a glass of wine but I haven't touched a drop since being pregnant.
Only last night I was reading that when in the amniotic sac the baby will drink the fluid, however when the mother drinks alcohol, the baby doesn't drink because the fluid in the sac is toxic.
I really wouldn't ever want to have even one glass while pregnant. I know people do but I really wouldn't want to.
Also, the alcohol crosses the placenta and takes 3 days for it to leave the babies body. I wonder if she knows this? Some people don't think a few glasses will have any effect.

I don't understand the defensive "none of your business" posts TBH.

it is our business. Our taxes pay for the NHS. What happened to "it takes a village"? Do the MYOB posters also turn a blind eye to child abuse/domestic abuse etc?

RampantIvy

Good point.

@lemondrop72

"My mum died of alcoholism. I think she's purposely sending them to me to get a reaction."

If you think this is the case, then she is not a friend at all. I'd send her a clear message about how hurtful you're finding her behaviour given your circumstances and how dangerous you believe it can potentially be for her baby, with links to info on FAS and MC.

Then I personally would say I didn't think the friendship was healthy or going anywhere positive any more and you were saying good bye and best wishes for her pregnancy.

And then just leave her to it - silence and archive her WhatsApp, etc.

Life's too short to have "friends" like that in it.

i don’t agree with what the friend is doing. It’s sounds like a lot more drinks than one or two.

but for all of you saying that you have no interest in drinking and 9 months is such a short time etc, really?! You never really fancied a glass of wine or a cocktail or felt a bit sad when you saw your partner or friends having a few? Didn’t feel like you were missing out?

@LuckySantangelo35 - I really enjoy a drink and definitely felt I missed it - but I still didn't drink at all when I was pregnant.

I'd had a 12 week MC previously and wanted to do absolutely everything in my control to keep my baby. Simple as that really.

Thanks for replying @CorsicaDreaming

makes total sense

think it’s just some of these posters who give the impression that anyone who likes a drink and then misses it when they have it give it up for nearly ten months (when everyone else around them can keep drinking) MUST have a problem with alcohol…. Bollocks!

It IS none of your business. Child abuse..is abuse of a child.A person. Of course that's our business.
But this is a woman, having a drink. What happens inside her body is none of your business. There is no other person for you to intervene on behalf of.

I imagine you understand the difference

That's a very defensive answer. I am not a pro lifer at all and very much believe in abortion, but I feel that drinking too much while pregnant does count as child abuse, albeit abuse of an unborn child.

People need to butt out and stop judging women. Yes, there may be some pregnant women (potentially including the OP's friend) who take it too far, but most women are perfectly capable of making sensible, informed decisions based on the evidence and one of those decisions might be to drink in moderation during pregnancy.

We've got ourselves into a sorry state if people think it is OK to openly tut at a pregnant woman in a restaurant enjoying a (non-alcoholic) beer because they 'didn't touch a drop' themselves.

Tbh I feel it’s kind of common sense that any substance that causes you to feel hungover in any way shape or form, is going to harm your unborn baby.

One glass, yes, that’s subjective. Hence why I said it probably sounds dramatic because I’m fairly certain it was just me being dramatic 😄

But without a shadow of a doubt, to drink to the point of a hangover the next day, heavily, throughout your pregnancy, is 100% going to cause damage to your unborn child.

It's not a defensive answer. It doesn't matter what you feel, a foetus is not a child, and it is not child abuse.

Your opinion is immaterial.

I have just seen your post about losing your mother to alcoholism. I am so sorry OP.

This changes the dynamics of this situation for me. To be frank, this friend of yours doesn’t sound like a very nice person.

I wouldn’t even mention the word alcohol to a friend whose mother passed away from drinking. Never. Under any circumstances.

So this person is not your friend. First and foremost.

I’ve been reading through the replies to your original post and honestly, I’m inclined to agree with those who have suggested that you report her to SS so that her midwife is aware.

It’s odd because I’m fairly certain that if the title of this post was “friend smoking weed during pregnancy” or “friend shooting up during pregnancy”, there would be complete uproar in these comments right now.

But somehow alcohol consumption during pregnancy is more widely accepted? Why?

Report her.

Then remove her from your life altogether because she sounds toxic. Who needs enemies with friends like this? 😒

The 'rules' / guidelines were very different when I was pregnant 24 and 18 years ago and I admit I did have a couple of glasses of wine a week, both times. Not drunk at all. No hangovers.
I told my midwife and she said, don't worry about it, the French do it!
Mine are both healthy, bright and successful.
I did have a word with my friend when she was pregnant and drinking though and she decided that has she'd switched from spirits to cider, she (and the baby) would be fine. Thankfully they were. Currently 21 and at university.

Sorry about your mum

Thank you. She has never really been sensitive to what happened with mum. Her problems are always worse than everyone else's even though seem minor in comparison.

I had a birthday lunch with friends a few weeks ago and she texted saying "I'm proud of you for drinking" which I found very bizzare.
I really am not a big drinker most likely due to what happened with mum and it was the first drink I'd had in nearly 2 years.

I don't want this to seem like I have an issue with her drinking because of my past and experiences. It's not that. I'm just concerned about her welfare and her baby's. But of course I have lived with the irreparable damage that excessive drinking can cause.

I couldn't be friends with such a selfish twat. What exactly do you like about her so much that you're holding on to this friendship, op?

It’s odd because I’m fairly certain that if the title of this post was “friend smoking weed during pregnancy” or “friend shooting up during pregnancy”, there would be complete uproar in these comments right now

There wouldn't be COMPLETE uproar sadly. The usual suspects would still be popping up to say there's nothing wrong with it as long as she's happy.

It sounds like she is an alcoholic. Drinking in pregnancy, self oriented, the weird comment about you drinking when out (because if everyone is drinking it's ok if she is). Sending the photos of her drinking (for validation or disapproval, to get you to take responsibility for whether she drinks or not? I don't know)

It all seems like classic alcoholic behaviour to me, alcoholism is a progressive disease but it can be a slow progression. She might not be drinking tenants and sleeping on a park bench, but she's well on her way to having a baby with FASD or social, emotional and physical health issues of her own. Maybe nobody is telling her not to drink, but lots of people will be judging and distancing. Before she knows it she will find herself on her own, or only surrounded by other alcoholics and maybe some codependent/rescuer types. It sounds like her denial is pretty strong, but her seeking your approval through the photos and finding you drinking validating shows that she does have some moments where she is more unsure of her actions. She may not have the capacity for self awareness, and by everyone else being too scared to challenge her this is enabling her to continue with the facade that it's all ok.

Personally I would tell her that I believe what she's doing is potentially harming her baby, and tell her that I believe she may have a problem with alcohol as she's drinking whilst pregnant and to that level. Then I would tell her that whilst she's drinking I won't be in her life but if she wants support to get sober I absolutely will be. That's my belief about alcoholics that you don't play into their delusions/denial. That you are honest, and that to be close to an alcoholic who is still drinking is a very dangerous place, but once sober they can be some of the best people in the world.

I agree with you 100% @MissusMaisel

Full body autonomy to women (even the pregnant ones!) even if they want to put substances and poisons into their body.

And I absolutely do not condone it and could not be friends with somebody who was in the process of drinking in pregnancy.

Those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Thank you. She has never really been sensitive to what happened with mum. Her problems are always worse than everyone else's even though seem minor in comparison.

I had a birthday lunch with friends a few weeks ago and she texted saying "I'm proud of you for drinking" which I found very bizzare.
I really am not a big drinker most likely due to what happened with mum and it was the first drink I'd had in nearly 2 years.

I don't want this to seem like I have an issue with her drinking because of my past and experiences. It's not that. I'm just concerned about her welfare and her baby's. But of course I have lived with the irreparable damage that excessive drinking can cause.

So what if you do have any issue with her drinking or people drinking, full stop? You’re allowed to feel however you want to feel! Exactly. You have firsthand experience of the irreparable damage that addiction to alcohol can cause, so why shouldn’t you have strong feelings about it?

You know when sometimes you minimise or make yourself ‘smaller’, be it physically or emotionally, just so that someone else can feel ‘bigger’ or stand in the spotlight, so to speak? I feel like that’s what you’re doing here.

To congratulate someone on having a drink for the first time since the passing of their mother, due to alcoholism, is so messed up, so dark, so provocative. It’s gaslighting and it’s disgusting.

Honestly, her behaviour overall sounds bizarre and I’m not sure how you’ve managed to stay friends with someone like this for so long. But hey, I’ve been there, so I do understand to some degree, but it’s time to put yourself first and free yourself from this negative energy in your life.

Every post I’ve read from you so far, every example you’re giving of her behaviour, it’s almost like she goading you.

You don’t do that to someone you love. Someone that you deem a friend. You just don’t.

The fact that she messaged you to say she is 'proud of you for drinking' suggests that she does have a drink problem one way or another, and is trying to normalise her alcohol consumption. She's sending you the pictures of her drinking in the hope that you'll say 'Haha, good for you, one won't hurt!' and that will then make her feel less guilty.

She knows, deep down, that drinking heavily while pregnant is harmful to her baby. She's just in denial, and looking for validation (which her other friends and partner appear to be giving her). And the 'I'm proud of you for drinking' is all part of that - she's essentially trying to say 'I'm glad you're having a drink because then I don't feel so bad about having one'.

I don't think there's a whole lot you can do about this, if I'm being honest. But I think if she says again that she has been drinking to the point of being hungover or whatever, I would be inclined to say 'OK, I need to be really straight with you because I really care about you and I know you want the best for your baby. Drinking the way you are drinking while pregnant puts your baby at serious risk. I know it can be hard to stop, but if you really can't stick to one or two small glasses a week, you need to get some help with giving up. I can't force you to do that - it's your choice. But please don't send me pictures of you drinking while you're pregnant. I can't truthfully tell you it's OK to drink the way you are at the moment, and I honestly find it quite upsetting because I know what the consequences can be.'

@MissusMaisel Once we start arguing that women need to be controlled during pregnancy, its over.

I don’t disagree with this. I think that to suggest that a woman should be controlled during her pregnancy is wrong.

Nobody should be controlled in terms of what they choose to put in their body.

But shouldn’t common sense prevail in a situation like this?

Once again, I don’t want to sound dramatic here, but would you mix alcohol into your newborn baby’s milk, just to ensure that he or she goes to sleep?

Because in some cultures, this is deemed acceptable.

How is drinking during pregnancy any different? Should women be policed? Absolutely not. Should women have common bloody sense and choose not to conceive a child if they are not ready to temporarily give up any substance that could be harmful to their unborn child? Yes.

Do you really want to be friends with someone like that? Who will risk her child's whole life for some alcohol?

I would just say 'Please be careful, I think the advice is 0 units these days as fetal alcohol syndrome is such a dreadful condition. Obviously it's your choice'. I actually think she's trying to upset/shock you with the texts boasting about drinking.