Friend drinking while pregnant

[lemondrop72]

Long term friend. Her first baby.

She has said a few times how she has got really upset with her partner or other friends who have been drinking alcohol while they've been out together because she feels like she can't join in the fun and isn't on the same "level".

She has text on a few occasions recently with a photo of a glass of wine or a cider etc while out saying "just the one 😉".
I don't want to sound patronising and it's none of my business because she is an adult. I never really respond to the messages because I don't want to make out I support drinking in pregnancy.
She messaged again the other day saying she had had "a few" the day before and felt really hungover. Now I'm starting to be to be a little concerned that one has turned into a few and I don't know if I should say something?

For the record, I have had two babies and she often asks my advise on pregnancy and babies etc.

Like I say it's probably none of my business but would you leave her to it or should I say I don't think it's a good idea to be drinking during pregnancy?

I used to hang around with a group of women and one night, one of their sisters was out. She was absolutely knocking em back and was about 7m pregnant. I said to my friend cane someone stop her please and she said she's done it throughout this pregnancy and isn't listening to anyone.

Early hours tge next day she delivered her daughter sleeping due to the alcohol.

One is too much. Everyone needs to understand alcohol is a poison, that's how the liver deals with it - in moderation, fine but not when pregnant if you want a healthy baby.

I really don't get why having a drink is a big thing for some people. I would def have a word if she's a friend.

I used to have the odd drink while pregnant. A Guinness during the rugby, a little glass of champagne or two at New Year. But not enough to ever feel hungover.

I think if you feel strongly enough about it then say something but be prepared for her to blow up at you and for the friendship to be over. But maybe, if you feel strongly enough, that isn’t the end of the world. And at least you know you’d have said your piece. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly this - small amounts occasionally aren't a problem (I enjoyed a minibottle of cheap as anything 2% lager at the weekend during the last four weeks of pregnancy), but as the NHS and other health organisations know, people lie about how much they've been drinking, especially when it turns out that their child is then born with FAS with a 'I only had two sips of champagne! It's not my fault! It must have been the chicken in Red Wine Sauce I had before I knew i was pregnant!'.

You aren't going to want to be around for a miscarriage or the event of the baby having FAS because you'll be biting back the 'You chose to go and get drunk multiple times whilst you were pregnant' as she's blithely saying 'Oh, it's nothing I did wrong, it's in the family to have these symptoms of fetal alcohol syndrome '

Just the one isn't going to do any harm. Depends on the quantity and frequency

Selfish stupid bitch

You are patronising and yes, you should mind your own business. Her body, her baby, her risk assessment.

If she mentions it to you again I think that’s your “in” to say something like “you know, it can truly damage your baby to drink more than one small glass of wine a week in pregnancy” - then leave it at that.

If she’s rude to you, or continues to behave in such an irresponsible way I’d probably distance myself.

I know of two female friends who drank in pregnancy - they’d say in moderation 🙄- and both their DS’s seem quite behind for their age, but I’m well aware that’s a minuscule sample size, and may not be at all related to the drinking. But I think I’d have to say something.

During my 3rd trimester ultrasound they discovered brain damage in my DC. We had an appointment with a paediatric neurologist. The very first question he asked was "have you drank any alcohol during this pregnancy?" I hadn't.
I don't know how I would have forgiven myself if my drinking had been a possible cause of what happened.

OP I would have to say something. Likely with the odd drink here and there nothing would happen. But this sounds like it goes way beyond that. There's a chance it may make things difficult between you, but there is an innocent baby involved here.

It sounds like she looking for you to justify it and tell her " oh yeah enjoy! " as she knows fine well its not on
id message her saying " please do not send me these photos. I find them upsetting "
up to her how she responds.
my DM drank throughout my siblings pregnancy and my sibling has real issues. I think due to the alcohol and I suspect DM thinks this too...

I'd mind my business. With all the ads, education, some bottles even have a warning too plus given the fact she has indicated she knows she shouldn't by comments made or "just the one". She knows and doesn't care enough. It's complete her choice and her business.
I had a friend who drank and smoked her entire pregnancy. She knew it was wrong. And I know it's not my business to parent a grown woman expecting her own baby.

If it was literally 'just the one' every so often, I'd mind my own business.

Drinking to the point of hangover... I'd say something about the risks to baby.

One is too much. Everyone needs to understand alcohol is a poison, that's how the liver deals with it - in moderation, fine but not when pregnant if you want a healthy baby

This may sound dramatic to some but it’s the truth. I had one glass of wine whilst in Paris celebrating my engagement while 7 months pregnant and I felt sick for days. I know it was only one glass but I felt like the worst person in this whole world. I still think about it occasionally, that’s how awful I felt and still feel about it.

Honestly, I can understand being stressed during pregnancy. I can’t say I enjoyed any of the trimesters, it was a nightmare throughout.

But to drink heavily throughout your pregnancy knowing full well the damage you are causing to your unborn child is just disgraceful.

I couldn’t be friends with someone like that.

If you can’t get through to her, I would suggest telling her partner, parents or siblings if they are in the picture.

ADHD often runs in families. In my family at least it has never been associated with alcohol consumption in pregnancy.

I can't understand your friend's behaviour. I think she wouldn't be staying my friend and I'd tell so. It might shock her into at least cutting down for that poor baby.

Drinking to the point of hangover... I'd say something about the risks to baby.

This.

Can you imagine drinking to the point of a hangover whilst you are carrying your unborn child?

😳

I don't get this. What's the point of having friends if you cannot tell them the truth or give them your opinion without fearing that the other person would break the friendship. What kind of friendship is that?

I wouldn't want to be friends with her anymore

Disgusting

I dont get it.. she is a friend but you cant say to her 'hey dont drink! Its not good!' People need more balls seriously!

I’m not sure those who are saying things like ‘one or two’ won’t hurt know that for sure, unless they have expertise I would ignore. There is no way of knowing. Bodies are complex and we are all different. For some pregnancies at some developmental stages one or two might be fine but for other pregnancies and at different stages it might not. I think, it can depend what is currently developing in the foetus. Like I say, I’m not an expert but I think it’s better to abstain. I’d say something.

It does sound dramatic and it's not the truth. There is zero evidence of risk from more than one glass of wine a week and plenty of wvide6 to suggest it's not a risk.
Even in women known to be drinking at high levels, FAS is not found in the majority of infants born.

It's her body, her life, her pregnancy, her choice. None of your business

She's being completely selfish and blind to the effects alcohol will be having on her unborn child. Sod the friendship, talk to her, does she have alcohol dependency? Maybe she needs a referral to the community alcohol team for support.

Yeah, agree with @Blaze1886 and @Piglet80 and she would be no friend of mine. Try losing eight babies for no reason, then reading this.

One drink yeah. Your choice. Hungover nope. Not a chance would I be staying quiet there

I guess you could say the good news is that she isn't smoking.

Some years ago when I was in hospital I went to the smoking room (they existed in hospitals back then) and there was a woman chain smoking during early contractions. Poor baby.

woodenwindchimes
I agree completely. Although drinking very occasionally during the second trimester appears to be reasonably safe (1 or2 units per week) early pregnancy during neural tube formation especially would seem to be greatest risk.

I would be really worried. Get some facts and tell her that her baby if she continues drinking will be at very high risk of learning difficulties etc. I have some friends who fostered children suffering from FAS and it is awful. Awful to know that it was deliberately done to them. Condemning children to a life of difficulties and health problems because of their mother's behaviour.

And even more awful that they went on to have more babies in exactly the same circumstances

If you were just aware that she was doing this then I wouldn't say anything. But she's sending this directly to you - as someone said, it sounds like she wants you to endorse it, and she might take your silence as tacit agreement with what she's doing. It's tricky but I think I'd say something like 'it's completely up to you what you do when pregnant but please don't send me pictures of you drinking, it really upsets me'.