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Original poster

Friend drinking while pregnant

216 replies

lemondrop72 · 02/05/2022 19:53

Long term friend. Her first baby.

She has said a few times how she has got really upset with her partner or other friends who have been drinking alcohol while they've been out together because she feels like she can't join in the fun and isn't on the same "level".

She has text on a few occasions recently with a photo of a glass of wine or a cider etc while out saying "just the one 😉".
I don't want to sound patronising and it's none of my business because she is an adult. I never really respond to the messages because I don't want to make out I support drinking in pregnancy.
She messaged again the other day saying she had had "a few" the day before and felt really hungover. Now I'm starting to be to be a little concerned that one has turned into a few and I don't know if I should say something?

For the record, I have had two babies and she often asks my advise on pregnancy and babies etc.

Like I say it's probably none of my business but would you leave her to it or should I say I don't think it's a good idea to be drinking during pregnancy?

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 03/05/2022 23:23

Echobelly · 02/05/2022 21:50

You know what, my parents generation probably all drunk moderately during pregnancy and I don't know anyone who had FAS. It is a horrible thing but the risk of it is being massively overstated as regards moderate, non-pathological drinking.

While no one should go out bingeing (which I've heard can be the most serious risk factor) or having serious daily drinking habits, I think we have become overly judgemental on the 'any drinking at all when pg' front, and it does slightly get on my tits that the attitude seems to be we're all silly drunken trollops who shouldn't have any alcohol because we won't be able to stop at one.

As it is, I'm not much of a drinker and I mostly didn't feel like drinking when pg, but yes, I probably had a glass of wine or half a pint no more than half a dozen times each pregnancy.

You may or may not agree, but I don't think anyone has the right to guilt someone about light consumption, and it's not likely to work if you try.

This.

Catastrophising about a couple of drinks is like crying wolf.

Nothing wrong with an occasional drink. A glass of champagne at a wedding or glass of wine with a meal out is not the end of the world. Two or three glasses a few times a week is a different issue.

PurassicJark · 04/05/2022 08:28

whiteroseredrose · 03/05/2022 23:23

This.

Catastrophising about a couple of drinks is like crying wolf.

Nothing wrong with an occasional drink. A glass of champagne at a wedding or glass of wine with a meal out is not the end of the world. Two or three glasses a few times a week is a different issue.

Show quote history

Kind of the point of the thread though. This woman isn't having the occasional one. She's having enough to get hungover. That's pretty bad, however people want to look at it.

I don't know why people wouldn't just quit for 9 months though. It's only drinking, if your life is that dependent on having a drink that you can't quit for 9 months, you maybe have a problem? You don't have to be swigging it back every night go have a problem, that's a common misconception. Really it's the same with anything, alcohol, food, smoking etc if you can't stop yourself and must have it, you're addicted.

Plus they don't really know how it affects people with even small amounts. They change that frequently enough to show they have no clue. What if they just haven't found the cause yet? It's not like we know everything about our bodies and how they interact with certain things yet. And doing experiments on pregnant women is frowned upon now obviously, the kind of experiments you'd really need to do at least. What if it's found in future that drinking while pregnant is what has increased cancer? Not saying its true, but you never know. That's why the NHS says none is best, because it is. It's a guaranteed way of knowing you won't get FAS at the very least. You can't guarantee it by having the alcohol. It's a luck of the draw at that point, some are lucky, some aren't.

Its up to women to do what they want, you know the risk. Its very well published, not like you can go around saying now that you didn't know. It's a risk you take.

KimikosNightmare · 04/05/2022 08:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/05/2022 23:04

That's not what I said and I acknowledged there were confounding variables.

And I read studies, not Guardian articles about studies.

Show quote history

What you said was "Studies of correlation have shown that babies whose mothers drink a SMALL amount during pregnancy have better outcomes than those whose mothers abstained completely. So yes, there is probably a safe level. We can't do double blind studies so correlation is all we have"

Did your studies come to the same conclusion as the Guardian article?
That there was no proof at all that the small amount of alcohol that gave the edge (which is what you implied) but it was likely the whole socio economic background of the participants?

TheKeatingFive · 04/05/2022 08:52

That there was no proof at all that the small amount of alcohol that gave the edge (which is what you implied)

She didn't say that at all. Go back and read it again.

KimikosNightmare · 04/05/2022 09:37

TheKeatingFive · 04/05/2022 08:52

That there was no proof at all that the small amount of alcohol that gave the edge (which is what you implied)

She didn't say that at all. Go back and read it again.

What she said was

"Studies of correlation have shown that babies whose mothers drink a SMALL amount during pregnancy have better outcomes than those whose mothers abstained completely"

Missing out the important information about socioeconomic background. Utterly disingenuous.

TheKeatingFive · 04/05/2022 09:40

Do you not understand what the word correlation means?

orchidsunrise · 04/05/2022 09:40

If she mentions drinking again you could say "I've noticed you often tell me about having a drink, and you didn't really do that before you were pregnant. I could be off track but I'm wondering if it's something you want to talk about? "

TheKeatingFive · 04/05/2022 09:40

Hint. It's different to causation.

UnsuitableHat · 04/05/2022 09:40

Whilst it’s her business, I don’t think you’d be unreasonable to tell her you’re concerned. Depends on your relationship i guess. I can’t imagine doing something like drinking in pregnancy, openly telling my friends about it and them not saying anything.

RosesAndHellebores · 04/05/2022 10:32

On the basis of what's being argued on this thread then, should women also abstain completely from casual sex (the sort that leads to unplanned babies) because they can't tell if the other party has any genetically transferable illnesses or inheritable neuro diverse traits and to copulation with them may have a negative impact on the unplanned child.

inappropriateraspberry · 04/05/2022 11:31

One occasional drink will be fine. If she's having several in a row, then it's a problem.
But it's not your problem. Bite your lip and say nothing, unless you know for a fact she is drinking heavily.
Oh, and get off your high horse, before you fall.

DangerouslyBored · 04/05/2022 11:44

I couldn’t be friends with such a self centred bell end. She’s clearly not v bright, either.

I’m pregnant and booze is the last thing on my mind, and I usually bloody love a drink.

KimikosNightmare · 04/05/2022 12:33

RosesAndHellebores · 04/05/2022 10:32

On the basis of what's being argued on this thread then, should women also abstain completely from casual sex (the sort that leads to unplanned babies) because they can't tell if the other party has any genetically transferable illnesses or inheritable neuro diverse traits and to copulation with them may have a negative impact on the unplanned child.

No it isn't but carry on with that line of thinking if it makes you happy.

I agree with.PurassicJark's post at · 04/05/2022 08:28 particularly this part.

I don't know why people wouldn't just quit for 9 months though. It's only drinking, if your life is that dependent on having a drink that you can't quit for 9 months, you maybe have a problem?

danny735 · 04/05/2022 13:19

RosesAndHellebores · 02/05/2022 21:57

By the time I had DD I had lost two 2nd trimester babies; countless early miscarriages and had D1 at 36.3 weeks and DS2 died at 27 weeks due to congenital heart deformity. I did not have more than 1/2 glass of champagne in any of those pregnancies.

During DD's pg I was obviously very high risk and nobody expected the pg to get to term. They utterly lovely and very senior obstetric consultant I saw at least every fortnight told me 24 years ago that if a g&t took the edge off the stress to have a g&t. So two or three times a week I did from about 28 weeks.

DD was born at 41.3 (induced), 8lb.13oz, bright pink and screaming. She's graduated from Oxbridge.

Congratulations @RosesAndHellebores
I can't imagine how devastating those miscarriages must have been for you. Congrats on your wonderful DD

BurdineMaxwell · 11/07/2022 04:33

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WonderingWanda · 11/07/2022 06:26

For the odd one drink it wouldn't be worth saying anything but she seems to be drinking a lot more than that. At the point where she messaged you that she'd had a few and was feeling hungover I would have felt inclined to reply 'Why are you sharing this with me? Are you hoping for me to validate that this is OK in pregnancy? For info I don't think it's OK and I don't want to hear about it to be honest'

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