Friend drinking while pregnant

[lemondrop72]

Long term friend. Her first baby.

She has said a few times how she has got really upset with her partner or other friends who have been drinking alcohol while they've been out together because she feels like she can't join in the fun and isn't on the same "level".

She has text on a few occasions recently with a photo of a glass of wine or a cider etc while out saying "just the one 😉".
I don't want to sound patronising and it's none of my business because she is an adult. I never really respond to the messages because I don't want to make out I support drinking in pregnancy.
She messaged again the other day saying she had had "a few" the day before and felt really hungover. Now I'm starting to be to be a little concerned that one has turned into a few and I don't know if I should say something?

For the record, I have had two babies and she often asks my advise on pregnancy and babies etc.

Like I say it's probably none of my business but would you leave her to it or should I say I don't think it's a good idea to be drinking during pregnancy?

Oblomov22

Its not hysteria to point out the NHS guidance which is based on the best science available.

Also, whilst a diagnosis of FAS might be rare, miscarriage isn’t, and there may be sub-clinical issues for the child that are never linked to alcohol use.

The foetus drinks and ears what the mother does. You wouldn’t give a baby alcohol so why an unborn child.

Thats why the current health advice is to abstain. Advising anything different is irresponsible.

Just be softly softly, go on a walk or something and when she mentions drinking say “oh yes, you’re probably clued up on this already but have you seen the risk of FAS? I was reading an article the other day and it was so sad, sad story about a boy etc etc…. They say to limit alcohol to only a single glass of wine here and there, I’m sure you know this already and I’m sure you know the safe limits, but would feel terrible if I didn’t mention it!”

no one likes to be told they’re stupid and there is a way of getting across information without making people defensive or burning bridges.

Iwonder08
You wouldn't say all that if you had to deal with a child with FAS or ADHD /ASD

If it was an occasional “just the one”, I don’t think that would be a problem at all. It’s difficult to know what she’s actually consuming and it would obviously be better if she wasn’t doing it.

I would frame any conversation in terms of concern for your friend and whether she’s doing ok since you’ve noticed she’d drinking more. That might be more likely to have a good outcome than going in all guns blazing accusing her of not caring about her baby etc.

Bristol University:

Studied 13,500 kids.

Other recent studies (2015) suggest that three-quarters of women drink during pregnancy, with 1 in 3 at binge levels. This suggests that many individuals in the UK population today could also have symptoms of FASD.
3/4 of women drink. In pregnancy? 1/3 bingeing?
I find that stat hard to believe.

Most MN'ers don't. Posters below with high anxiety won't fly. Some won't eat strawberries, won't go to the cinema in case it's too loud.

You Need to stop her for the baby if this comes back for her it will her effect her mentally help her

Like all the other HCP Mantras over the years:

Wean at 12 weeks
Put to sleep on their tummy

No research in relation to that nonsense I suppose.

@WhereisWallyFFS

"Advising anything different is irresponsible. "

Well I never did advise differently, thanks all the same!

How exactly do you think the op can stop her friend drinking?

I agree with this. I wouldn't think twice if I saw a photo of a pregnant woman having one drink - I had an occasional single glass of wine myself during my second and third pregnancies but she is looking for absolution here for an amount of alcohol that left her hungover. - you can just message her that you find the photos/posts upsetting so won't be responding to them.

This is actually quite offensive. I don’t have to ‘deal’ with my child with ASD.

Didn’t drink during pregnancy either.

I was on a Child Protection course recently, and Foetal Alcohol Syndrome is now much more prevalent amongst middle class women. A goblet of wine does not equal one glass of wine!
I think your friend is incredibly stupid, and frankly I don't care how judgey that sounds. I work with children who have FASD, and the symptoms stay with that child for life.

Selfish! And I would probably tell her and keep a distance.

I don't drink apart from if I go out for a meal I may have one small glass of wine with it. I feel tipsy after this so no for me one glass would not be fine - if it's affecting me it would affect my baby.

People who cannot forgo alcohol for 9 months to ensure maximum protection to their unborn baby are selfish pricks. Same with smokers and drugs.

@tkwal

"wonder08
You wouldn't say all that if you had to deal with a child with FAS or ADHD /ASD"

@kitcat15 what a despicable response. Who cares about what? Repeated miscarriage; death of a little baby? The fact that eventually I got a pregnancy to term?

@tkwal

That is incredibly offensive. 1000's of MN'ers have ASD or ADHD dc.

Totally irrelevant to the FAS topic being discussed here.

Tbh it almost sounds like she’s being deliberately provocative/attention seeking by continually messaging you about it. She must know it’s wrong?

When I was 8 months pregnant, we went out to a nice restaurant to celebrate my friends 30th birthday. I had a non alcoholic beer, ice cold in a posh glass. It was lovely!

The woman at the table next to me kept glaring over at me. I couldn't work out why for aged then realised she must have thought it was a normal beer(I didn't have the bottle as had walked it through from the bar where the group met)

If I was pg again now, I would just stick to fruit juice when out. Stops people making assumptions about you even if they are unjust. I did drink when I was pregnant but it was a week before my positive test and we had tried for 7 years at that point. There was no way I could have known! I don't drink from one month to the next so was just unlucky with the timings on that one.

Op, talk to your friend, I don't know the best way to phrase it but there have been some good suggestions on this thread. You will feel awful and worry otherwise, driving yourself in knots thinking about not speaking up. Not that you should have to, but for your own peace of mind, I would.

All that being said, I felt like I had a hangover nearly every bloody day of pregnancy, mainly caused by the 9 month long insomnia!

One ADMITTED incidence of drinking in pregnancy. This is totally the type of thing where people lie.

Actually the pregnancy is a red herring. I'd say she has a drinking problem full stop. I remember i drank two beers during my whole pregnancy. I like beer, but i just didn't fancy it. And i hate the pregnancy police who constantly infantilize women. But, your friend is being downright idiotic, and she enjoys winding you up, she's got you down as a goody two shoes.

IvorCutler
I apologise for generalising, I should have been more specific. I deal with a child who has FAS ,ASD and PTSD. I have been beaten, threatened and intimidated by the same child who 5 minutes later could charm the birds from the trees so I may be a bit sensitive about women who risk their children's future by behaving recklessly while pregnant

I think I agree.
I wouldn't be surprised. I think she wants me to tell her to enjoy herself or whatever but obviously I'm not going to.

It really is bothering me she hasn't been able to stop drinking for the sake of her baby.
I think she has major fomo and hates the fact her partner and friends can continue to get drunk and she can't. (Or shouldn't but still is) She hates being left out of anything.

One glass a couple of times a week is highly likely of no consequence. So unless you see her having 2 or 3, I wouldn’t be saying a thing to her. I wouldn’t even be judging her.